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childhood love
Dear Missa,
I can't get a former boyfriend off my mind. It’s a very weird situation considering the fact that we were only children when we met. He was my "boyfriend" for three years. I say it that way because our relationship was very innocent, we were so young 9-12, but there was something about our interactions with each other that make me feel as though we are soul mates.
We connected on a level that I just can't explain. We haven't seen or spoken to each other in nearly six years but as of lately I can't stop dreaming about him. I dream about what it would be like if we were to find each other again, reestablish a relationship, and fall back in love with each other and get married. I dream that he still has feelings for me and thinks about me as much as I think about him. I currently live in a different city than him and it would be dumb for me to try and contact him. I feel as though I'm pathetic for not having moved on with my life. I'm sure he has moved on with his and probably doesn't remember me less on still have feelings for me.
The circumstances surrounding our relationship are so difficult to explain but there are some small indications when I last saw him that he still had some interest in me. What should I do to move on with my life? I'm almost 20 years old and have yet to have any sort of relationship with the opposite sex and not counting the varying innocent kisses on the check I shared with this one "boyfriend" as an adolescent, I've never even been kissed! What should I do? Should I seriously explore trying to get back in touch with him or just move on with my life? How can I get on with my life when I can't stop thinking and daydreaming about him?
I really need to find a solution though. I dread going to sleep at night because I know I will dream of him and wake up the next morning feeling bad about me and my life and how alone I am. Please help!
--Nightmares of Dreams
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Warning: my response will be long. Long, long, long...Long.
You have two options. 1) You could find him. 2) You could get over him. But before we explore your options, I'd like to take a moment to explore your feelings.
You said that you feel like you are pathetic. You said that you are almost twenty years old and have yet to be involved in an adult relationship. You said that you wake up in the morning and feel bad about yourself, your life, and that you feel alone.
The reason that I am pointing this out is because...Because I think that the way you are feeling about yourself is the real problem, and not the memory of your childhood sweetheart. I believe that you need to address these emotions before you decide on a course of action.
I believe that it is possible that you established a deep emotional connection with this boy, despite that you were both very young. And I understand that once you have formed such a connection, it is difficult to forget that connection or the person that you shared it with. I had a similiar experience with a man that I was best friends with before I ever met my first boyfriend. Even though I do not wish to contact him, I still think about him on a regular basis. He is one of the very few people in this world that I believe knew me, accepted me, and understood me.
While I understand how are you are feeling, I also think that insecurity and lonliness are both contributing factors. You are an adult now. You've probably noticed that most of the women your age are involved in some sort of relationship, or that they have been involved in a relationship in the not too distant past. You might be wondering why _you_ aren't involved in a relationship, and I think this could be the thought that is at the root of your current feelings.
You might be wondering if something is wrong with you. You might be wondering if you will ever find someone who wants the relationship that you want. You might be fearing that you never will.
Such thoughts should be immediately discarded. I do not know you, but I believe that you are a good person, that you deserve to receive what you want, and I have faith that you will. You need to address your insecurities and assure yourself that these fears are invalid. You are normal. Just because you might be on the same page with most of the women that you know, that means nothing. I was about your age when I started dating. I felt insecure and lonely too, and I experienced the same fears. What I later realized is that, I was just a late-bloomer, and this isn't as uncommon as anyone ever thinks. I know several men who did not even start to really date until they were well into their junior or senior years of college. You are not abnormal. You're just a little different and there is nothing wrong with that.
Once you have put your fears to rest, finding a potential partner will be easier. I assure you that you will eventually become involved in a relationship. I would actually wage a ridiculous amount of money in your favor, and I am not a gambling woman :)
And if you are lonely, take stock of what you do have. I'm guessing that you have a loving family and plenty of caring friends. You may be lacking a romantic relationship, but there is no reason for you to feel lonely for too long. I'm sure you have many people in your life to fill that void.
Once you have addressed your feelings about yourself, you need to address your feelings regarding this boy. It is perfectly healthy to recognize the emotional connection that you share with this person. In fact, be thankful that you have made this connection! You now know what you are looking for in a relationship. That is immensely valuable. Many women go through their lives never making the connection that you have made, and as a result they settle for less than they should and end up unhappy. Be grateful to this person, he has shown you what you really want. And now that you know what it is, you shouldn't settle.
At the same time, the fact that you were both children, and that you are now both adults needs to be acknowledged too. I'm not trying to insult your intelligence, I have every confidence that you are an intelligent young woman. I'm pointing this out because, sometimes we dwell for so long on the past, that we forget the reality of the future. You both have become adults, you have probably changed a great deal, and so as he. Even if you were to meet him again, you might realize that the connection that the two of you shared was not as wonderful as you remember it to be. Or that the connection has changed, just as you have changed.
Now, your options...
You said that you think contacting him would be foolish. I think that you might feel foolish if you were to do it, but then again you may not. And either way, I think that if you did, ultimately, you would benefit. If you do decide to find him again, you don't have to actually see him. I suggest that you first just find out what his phone number is and give him a call. And you don't have to fess up and tell him everything you just told me. You could just tell him that for some reason you have been thinking a lot about him lately, and wanted to catch up with him and see how he's doing.
If you do this, just take it slow. This way, you will be able to find out who he is now, if the connection that you shared is as you remember, or whether it continues to exist at all. This is also a good way to get an idea whether or not he has in fact moved on with his life and now has feelings for someone else. When you've assessed the new situation, you will be better prepared to make the next decision. Whether you think that you should try to date him or not. (Yes, long distance relationships are difficult, but you are both adults now. When your an adult, making a long distance relationship work is more than possible.)
So what happens if he has forgotten you? Or he's not as you remembered him to be? The thought of such things can be hurtful, and if it does happen, you will be hurt. But I think that, even though you might be hurt, ultimately you'll feel better. You'll have realized that a relationship with this person is not possible, and will be able to focus your efforts elsewhere. Most importantly, you won't dream about him at night and wonder what could have been when you are awake.
Closure. It really is a beautiful thing :P
Of course, moving on is also an option. You might wonder why I am even bringing this up after what I just said. It is because, since I have been in a similiar situation, I feel it's necessary to share with you what happened to me and how I ended up handling the situation...
His name was Adam. I met him on the internet, and after that we talked to each other on ICQ on almost a daily basis. Our conversations were not always the most deep or enlightening, but he knew more about me than anyone else does, or at least, did at the time. I really felt like he knew me. I really felt like he accepted me, he praised my good qualities and put up with my bad qualities. He understood my thought process, which in itself is a monumental feat. Sometimes _I_ don't even understand why I think the way that I do. When we started on the phone, I discovered that, while I was open to the idea of having a relationship, he was not. It was not that he wasn't attracted, interested, or didn't care about me. Shortly before he had met me, he had ended a long-term relationship that had started the same way. They met over the internet, dated long-distance, and then moved in together. Everything eventually went wrong, he moved out, and into his parents house. He had just started to pick up the pieces of his life, and he admitted to me that he was afraid of taking another risk so soon.
Because of this we lost touch after about six months. Another six months passed and we re-established contact. During a family reunion I actually met him in person. We spent every waking moment of the week together and had a great time.
Unfortunately, our timing was never good. Before he had issues with a possible relationship, now I had issues with a possible relationship. During the six months that we had lost touch, I had met another man, who I started to date. I was crazy about him, but he had issues, and early on the relationship could be considered as turbulent. He knew all about the other man, just as the other man knew all about him. After visiting Adam, the other man told me for the first time that he loved me, and that he wanted a relationship. Because Adam was so far away, among other reasons, I chose the other man. Adam and I talked about this, he understood, and sadly, I never heard from him again.
Now that I am single again, I have considered trying to once again, re-establish contact. Like I said, you never forget someone who you share that type of connection with.
But I decided not to. Why? While Adam had showed me what to look for in a potential partner, and I will never forget and always be grateful, I have to look at the situation logically. It was great while it lasted, but that doesn't mean that if would have worked out in the end. We never had to face many of the common problems that you experience when you are in a relationship with someone. There were other reasons that I did not pursue a relationship, and none of them had to do with the physical distance between us.
I may still be insecure and lonely to a degree, but I love myself and realize there are many people in my life who love me. And I am happy. I still want to experience a loving, lasting relationship, but I am trying to be patient. I am looking for someone who lives up to Adam's standards. It might be a while before I meet someone else who I can establish that special connection with, but I believe that I will meet someone. And when I do, it will be truly special, because I was fortunate enough to have someone show me what it was that I want.
In summary: only you can erase your insecurity and lonliness. No one else, not even this man, even if you were both destined to be with each other. Only you can make yourself happy. Happiness is not something that anyone else can give to you.
Don't be afraid, whatever your decision. If you find him, and you both fall in love with each other, then I am happy for you :) If you find him, and it doesn't work out, be grateful for the closure that you receive. And if you decide to pursue someone else, don't wonder about what might have been. You are not alone, and you will love. This will pass...
I am sorry of I was not able to provide you with much help. I have to admit that, even though I feel like I can relate to your question, this one sort of made my head hurt :P Sometimes it's hard to answer a question when you only have a page of information. But if you would like to discuss the matter further, please feel free to leave a message in my inbox. I am always here to listen to you, and to provide what help I can. Until then, I wish you the very best ;)
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