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Trust. Kinda long, sorry. I write a lot.
Okay, lemme give you a little background. I'm 17, and a girl, first off. My boyfriend is 18. We've been together for over 15 months.
In my last relationship, the guy lied to me, and cheated on me, then lied to me about lying to me and cheating on me.
That combined with my mother's constant "He doesn't mean it, words don't mean a thing" kind of spiels involving my boyfriend has made me completely untrusting.
But the problem really, is it's hurting our relationship. I mean, I'm not jealous. I'm not controlling, and we have a great thing going here. I'm just afraid to trust him. There's always this little voice in the back of my head, saying "he doesn't mean it," or "he has some ulterior motive". It's driving me absolutely crazy, this constant dread in the back of my mind that he'll go up to me one day and say "Oh, by the way, I met someone else. Have a nice life."
I mean, most people have the problem that they trust blindly and get hurt, but NOOO. I don't trust at all, and hurt the other person, and I HATE to do that. It's hurting me to hurt him. I love him with every fiber of my being, and I'm sick of being afraid to trust him - to trust anyone, really.
Relationships need to be based on trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. I hate my trust problems, they're kinda...not good.
Anyone have any advice?
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Firstly, talk to your boyfriend about it. Don't say that you don't trust him, just explain that you are paranoid because of your last boyfriend. Maybe he can help you learn to be trusting again.
Also couples counselling is always an option.
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is there any reason for you not to trust? does he do anything that might be sespicious? if not then you have to take a risk and trust him. Like you said a relationship needs trust or it will not work. You do not want to hurt him so trust him if you think he is not cheating or lieing. Its a risk but everyone has to take it. you are still young...this will happen a lot, if this relationship does not work out. If it doesnt you have to keep your head up high and you need to be looking for the right person. IF he says oh i found someone else have a nice life well that means hes not the one for you. if he cant see how great u are and he cant see your personality then hes not the one for you. you have to understand that your heart will be broken a couple of times before you find the right person but think of it as a journey you have to go through to reach that person. remember everyone goes through this journey..your not alone.
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For a week or two, consciously observe yourself and him, the activities you enjoy together, the ways he talks about other people and about himself, the same for you; what he actually *does* as opposed to what he *says*, then start a list of the times you have these untrusting thoughts pop into your head.
Is there a pattern in your thoughts or in his behaviour which emerges as you observe yourself, or is this random?
Define for yourself what you mean by "trust". Trust that he won't dump you out of the blue, trust him not to get you pregnant, trust him not to lie to you, trust him to make you laugh....?
People don't just dump out of the blue; there's usually a history of estrangement, whether people recognise it or not, so you shouldn't just sit there being afraid of an abstract concept which is unlikely to happen.
Your mom is expressing, however badly, a general truth: talk is cheap. Doing the right thing, even when it's hard or unfashionable or even conflicting internally, is a lot harder. Trust has to be earned, on both sides. What does your boyfriend trust about you, so you think? (Probably a lot but it should help your self-confidence to list what he and you like about you!)
You could start out with your mom and use her as a test case: hey, mom, can I tell you something and you promise you won't laugh at me or lecture me first, just listen? And then tell her you're immensely uncomfortable with feeling like a fundamentally untrusting person, and you want to be both more self-aware about your own boundaries, and more trusting of the people you love, as well.
She maybe very surprised, and pleased, and thoughtful about your mature approach, and will respond appropriately.
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Well, I can definetly understand why you'd stop trusting. But then theres a part where when you decide you're ready you move on and trust again, and with your guys support, and your moms', you can get through it, you should ask about past relationships and tell him that you're just really worried, and make sure he knows so he can show you. And just think of it this way, that was one time this happened in the past, and now hes the past, so you should deal with the present like the past never happened. Which is hard I know, but you have to take chances, and if you're still not getting the trust in, then you will probably have to wait for a boyfriend until you feel like you can take chances, time heals (that only goes for some things.) But you've got to prepare yourself for trusting the guy before you enter the relationship, I hope I helped.
-TheTeenGirl
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