Favourite family saying (insert Louisiana accent HERE): "You are the smartest person I know but you sho' ain' quick." I am, though, into compassion, respect, and thoughtfulness on all subjects. And I am an "old lady" with a younger partner and a very young son; so they and my too-varied CV influence what advice you may get. :-)
Gender: Female
Location: US and UK
Occupation: semi-active scientist, FT mom
Member Since: October 21, 2003
Answers: 7
Last Update: February 25, 2005
Visitors: 1310
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Okay, lemme give you a little background. I'm 17, and a girl, first off. My boyfriend is 18. We've been together for over 15 months.
In my last relationship, the guy lied to me, and cheated on me, then lied to me about lying to me and cheating on me.
That combined with my mother's constant "He doesn't mean it, words don't mean a thing" kind of spiels involving my boyfriend has made me completely untrusting.
But the problem really, is it's hurting our relationship. I mean, I'm not jealous. I'm not controlling, and we have a great thing going here. I'm just afraid to trust him. There's always this little voice in the back of my head, saying "he doesn't mean it," or "he has some ulterior motive". It's driving me absolutely crazy, this constant dread in the back of my mind that he'll go up to me one day and say "Oh, by the way, I met someone else. Have a nice life."
I mean, most people have the problem that they trust blindly and get hurt, but NOOO. I don't trust at all, and hurt the other person, and I HATE to do that. It's hurting me to hurt him. I love him with every fiber of my being, and I'm sick of being afraid to trust him - to trust anyone, really.
Relationships need to be based on trust. Without trust, there is no relationship. I hate my trust problems, they're kinda...not good.
Anyone have any advice? (link)
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For a week or two, consciously observe yourself and him, the activities you enjoy together, the ways he talks about other people and about himself, the same for you; what he actually *does* as opposed to what he *says*, then start a list of the times you have these untrusting thoughts pop into your head.
Is there a pattern in your thoughts or in his behaviour which emerges as you observe yourself, or is this random?
Define for yourself what you mean by "trust". Trust that he won't dump you out of the blue, trust him not to get you pregnant, trust him not to lie to you, trust him to make you laugh....?
People don't just dump out of the blue; there's usually a history of estrangement, whether people recognise it or not, so you shouldn't just sit there being afraid of an abstract concept which is unlikely to happen.
Your mom is expressing, however badly, a general truth: talk is cheap. Doing the right thing, even when it's hard or unfashionable or even conflicting internally, is a lot harder. Trust has to be earned, on both sides. What does your boyfriend trust about you, so you think? (Probably a lot but it should help your self-confidence to list what he and you like about you!)
You could start out with your mom and use her as a test case: hey, mom, can I tell you something and you promise you won't laugh at me or lecture me first, just listen? And then tell her you're immensely uncomfortable with feeling like a fundamentally untrusting person, and you want to be both more self-aware about your own boundaries, and more trusting of the people you love, as well.
She maybe very surprised, and pleased, and thoughtful about your mature approach, and will respond appropriately.
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I have to think of questions to ask 'Camillo Cavour' (Italy 1815+) and radicals from Britain in the 1800's. Henry 'orator' Hunt in particular.
Has anyone got any ideas? (link)
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Ask Signor Cavour to describe his regional identity and whether it had any influence on his view of Italy as a potential republic.
Ask Henry Hunt if he favoured the repeal of the Corn Laws, and why he answered the way he did; ask him his view of children under twelve working in mines or as chimney-sweeps; and if he thought that the emancipation of women was as important as the emancipation of West Indian slaves.
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I want to dye my hair blue... no... I MUST dye my hair blue! bright blue! the problem is that I have dark hair and I've never dyed it before and I think I have to bleach it blonde first then dye it blue for the color to show up. Is that going to ruin my hair and make it all crackly and nasty? (link)
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Um, I think Turc might be basing advice on one experience.
As a general rule, the proteins in hair are oxidised by all dyes, and by bleach especially. The proteins are cross-linked - which gives them their strength and flexibility - and these links have to be broken to some extent so that the atoms which make up the melanins in your hair can be broken away and washed out. Do you really want to do this to your hair?
You could try, as a first approximation, a non-permanent blue dye, to see how it looks. You could also try out a wig, for effect, just to see if it is the color you want, or that you actually want to go through the whole process.
or you could lighten your hair - use a good quality hair bleaching product - and go the whole hog. It will take about six months to get your real hair back, and once won't ruin your hair; but honestly, conditioner, or even good nutrition, won't keep your hair good-looking over a long period of bleaching and recoloring. The effects on your scalp, follicles, and hair roots will be unpleasant on a long-term basis.
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I have this problem with doing my homework. I get it all done, mind you, but most often it takes me till way late at night. Sometimes I don't even have a lot, but I either procrastinate terribly or get so off focus that it wrecks everything. It's starting to really hurt my health because of lack of sleep.
My problem is I'll sit down to do homework and work on it for maybe five minutes, and then get totally distracted and it takes at least 20 minutes before I get my focus again. This happens at school sometimes as well, but not as often. Is it possible that I have ADD or another attention disorder? I often lose interest in conversations in real life as well. I don't know what's wrong. But I have such a low attention span and level of concentration and I don't want it to hurt me anymore. (link)
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You sound like a really intelligent person: not many people necessarily identify what their problem might be and how it hurts them.
It VERY unlikely you have ADD - just a lot going on in your mind, which is different.
Tricks, then:
1) remind yourself before you start, and then five minutes in, that in fact there is a well-known "five-minute wall" you have to break through in order to keep your concentration going for longer. You can stick it out, through nothing more than will-power, for that five minutes. After the first five minutes, look up, and give yourself another five minutes. You can hack anything for five minutes. After a few nights of this you will be working for at least ten minutes at a stretch; and then fifteen. After a month of practice you should be able to work for at least half an hour or more.
2) Pre-program breaks for yourself. Remind yourself you HAVE to take a break at, say, fifteen minutes, or thirty; and eventually you will find that you resent HAVING to take a break. It will be fun to break the rule and NOT have a break - but this only works if you force yourself out of your chair when you said you would.
3) Where it's possible, do your homework out-of-sequence. If you have to write an essay, start with your possible conclusions, then write the rest to see if you can come up with the facts and logic to support those conclusions. Or write a counter-essay first, one which destroys the propositions you t hink you are supposed to support. If you have a series of maths problems to work out, do the "last" one first - you can always re-work it later after your brain has limbered up.
4) Do "brain-gym" exercises for a few minutes before and during homework sessions: run in place a little, then touch your left foot with your right hand, right foot with left hand, then more right-to-left/left-to-right motions. This really helps the two hales of your brain to start communicating with each other, and will sharpen your focus. Then go back to the Five Minute Rule: "I can do anything for five minutes."
5) Don't beat yourself up.
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I've heard that some babysitters take classes at local hospitals or community centers. What do they teach you? Are they worth it? Does it matter where you go to take them? (link)
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YES, take any class on babysitting and childcare you can. The reasons are multiple: different perspectives on childcare help you approach different kids as individuals and may give you insight into human behaviour in general; first-aid and other safety skills can never be reviewed too often; "common sense" ISN'T that common, and it's a huge help to have other people help you think your way out of situations you might not have imagined yourself: when you are babysitting, it's the little ones who get surprises, you are the stand-in grownup and it's your responsibility NOT to be surprised by actual or potential difficulties.
Best of all, childcare and babysitting classes expose you to how many different "right" ways there are to treat children and their parents. If you decide to have children yourself you will be a better parent for having been exposed to several models of "right" childcare.
Having certificates which show you to be a person with interest, commitment, and an enquiring mind are excellent things for your CV or portfolio.
Things I have learned from babysitting classes include: how to recognise when a child needs to rest BEFORE he/she has a screaming meltdown from overtiredness; how to structure a bedtime routine; how to deflect the interest of small children in destructive things into safer play; how to manage being angry yourself; how to help children manage their own temper tantrums; how to find out from parents what they want and how to report to them when they come home --- and of course, first aid and infant + child CPR.
Go for it!!
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I have to drink coffee every day to survive. I don't drink a ton of it, probably two cups a day in the morning. My friends and I used to have a day we'd call "detox thursday" where we wouldn't drink coffee all day, but I was starting to hate detox thursdays because I felt tired and grumpy all day so I quit doing it with them. Does this mean I'm addicted? Is coffee really that bad for me? It's way better than soda, right? (link)
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Better than soda by far, but still not good for you, especially if you are in your teens. The antioxidants in coffee help kill your skin, for a start. And 'detoxing' for a day is awful, I agree, because caffeine takes 36 hours or more to clear out of your system.
You could help yourself by:
staying off it for a week; drinking LOTS of real fruit juice (not "juice drinks") and vegetable juices; plenty of water; taking one B-vitamin supplement a day; and getting more sleep.
Results: grumpiness and exhaustion stop after a day or two; better skin and hair in a couple of weeks; more energy.
Even if you stick to your one day/week regime, drink a lot of fluids and help yourself out that way!
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My best friend Joleen has been dating this guy Tom for a month now. Tom and my friends Allison and Grace go to the same school, but Joleen and I go to a different one.
Well, Tom, Allison, and Grace's school had a homecoming festival. Allison, Grace, and this other girl Mary were hanging around a fire pit, when Tom comes up and sits on Mary's lap. Then, he says "Oh, no. I'll crush you, you can sit on my lap." and Mary did. Apparently, that wasn't all that happend, either. They were flirting a LOT.
Should I tell Joleen what Tom did? Or should I keep it to myself? (link)
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Usually best to mind your own business on this one. You didn't see the behaviour in question (did you?) and your friend isn't helped by you spreading gossip.
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