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This is kind of inbetween friendship and love life
Okay, I have been thinking about two problems today. I thought I'd ask the pool and some of my favorite columnists about these. I can't remember if I've talked to you about the first one, but I know I haven't talked to you about the second.
I've had this crush on this girl for quite some time. It's gotten to the point where I'll buy stuff I don't really need, nor do I really want, just to talk to her. She always seems happy to see me and always gives me a big hug before I leave. The problem is I have no idea how old she is. I'm not the type of guy who judges people who date younger or older people, but it seems to worry my when I'm involved. I'm 20, what if she's only 15 or 16. She looks and kind of acts young, so I'm worried. What do you think the dating age limit should be for someone like myself?
The other problem. Earlier today, I saw scars and cuts on her rist. It doesn't look like something an accident would have caused. I know she can't really die from cuts on arm, but the scars aren't exactly good for her either. How should I go about asking her where they're from? Is it even my business to ask such a question? What if she obviously lies to me about the scars origins? Should I just drop it then or what?
I won't blame you if you don't give me solid answers, but I at least want your thoughts.
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I finally got a guilt-free, "I don't need to be worrying about homework" minute so I can give you my opinions about this.
I've seen some of the things that your other favorites have said, and what I have to say, at least about the first problem you've described is quite different from what anyone else has said.
Normally I would agree, that you need to find out how old she is and don't try to go further than a friendship if she's 16 or younger. But I don't necessarily agree with that.
Let explain... My opinion is based a lot on some conversation's we've had. You don't seem like the kind of guy that's going to just go after a girl to try to get her into bed. You seem like a smart, decent human being who isn't going to use another person. If she is 16, that doesn't mean that she's too immature for a relationship. And I think your smart enough to know the difference. Obviously there's the legality of the whole thing, and if you plan on taking the relationship to another level, then you need to worry about that. If she turns out to be under 18, then you probalby shouldn't go into the relationship if you don't plan on waiting a year or two.
There's another reason that I don't necessarily believe that you simply need to let go of the relationship idea if she's 16 or 17. My male roommate is 25, my female roommate is 20, and they have been dating for four or five years. They started out when she was quite young, and they have been going out since. He is a nice decent guy, and she is an intelligent girl. They didn't have sex for the first few years of their relationship either. From my experience with them, I know that this kind of situation can work out. Most of the time it can't because of the difference in maturity, but sometimes it can. It could be worth the chance.
Some people might get mad at me for feeling that way, but oh well. In the end it's really up to you. If she is under 18, you have some thinking to do about the maturity level... I guess.
Ok, now about the second problem. That's a hard situation, and I'm glad you've asked a bunch of other people. It might not be an extremely serious problem, but then again it could. If it's enough to notice, then it could either mean that she doesn't really try to hide them, that she doesn't think it's serious, that she does it a lot and is running out of hiding spaces, or that she sort of wants you to see and say something about them. Honestly, from my lack of experience with cutting, I want to say that she fact that she might do it, shows a low level of maturity, and might throw my answer to your first question out the window. But, that's because I've only had experience with very immature people who decide to cut.
I thought about how to ask her about them a bit. I think it should be suttle, and innocent. Next time she hugs you or see's you, if you get a chance to hold her hand to where you would obviously be able to see the scars, then ask her. But don't just bring it up without a reason... the reason being, "I just noticed you have cuts, what happened?" Except ya know, more cleverly said.
If she obviously lies, then it would be safer to leave it be for a bit. The closer you get to her, the easier it would be for you to say something to her without having her run off and never talking to you again. The closer you get, the easier it will be to actualy know what she's going through, why she might be doing this, etc...
That's it for now, I'm getting close to the "I need to worry about homework" time again. I'm sure I'll talk to you later.
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