|
I don't know how to feel
I'm a 24 year old female and ever since I was a child, I've dealt with painful and hurtful situations by making myself believe that these situations didn't matter or pretending everything was alright. I've always refused to face the reality. For example, I was overweight as a child but my sister was the slim and pretty one. As a child, I picked up certain words or behaviour from my parents, which let me know they favoured my sister over me. But I told myself time and time again that I didn't care less about my weight that everything was perfect. Another example is when my last boyfriend left me, I was devastated. But instead of going through the usual crying etc. that my friends seem to do, I made myself believe that I didn't care about him at all, that it didn't matter if he left or stayed.
Somehow that's always been my survival tactic. So, over the years I have put up walls to protect myself from getting hurt. I just can't bring myself to feel the pain, so I avoid it. Now I feel so detached from everything and anything, and I've just realised I simply don't know how to feel. People often tell me how cold and unemotional I am. But I don't mean to be. I am just so scared of the rejection and getting hurt that I don't know what to do.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
I noticed a couple of good points in your letter right off the bat. One, you state that you know it's a defense mechanism, which means you are aware, and awareness can bring about change. I wish you had gone into more detail about some of the issues. You say you were overweight. I don't know if that's simply comparing yourself to your sister or if you were overweight in an unhealthy way. If it wasn't unhealthy, then you may be able to look at it as being secure within yourself. But you know more about you than I do, and if you say it was a defense, then that's what it was. Two, you say you don't know how to feel, yet, you described it eloquently in stating how you feel about the position in which you now find yourself. You feel detached, which means that must be something that you FEEL is missing, something you yearn for, and you're "scared of rejection and getting hurt". No, you feel just fine, dear. If you truly believed all of these things that kept you from getting hurt, then you would be fine at the moment. But I think the problem is, you don't believe any of the things you've allowed yourself to state to get through the pain. That would be a good start for you. Try to tell yourself that the things you have always said to get you through those times are TRUE. Look for the good things in yourself. Things you like about yourself, without comparing yourself to ANYONE else. Look at yourself as an individual, with your own little flair to add to others' lives. You're worried about rejection because you don't like who you are. And if you don't like you, then there's no way anyone else could, right? So you set yourself up to believe that rejection is impending. I see from the short letter you wrote, that there's alot of compassion and careinbg within you, regardless of what people "see". They see what you them to. Let them see who's really there. I bet it's not as bad as you think.
]
More Questions: |