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Should I continue our sexual relationship or run far away?
In April, I met this guy on Tinder. I’m 22. He’s 23. He told me he was on the app looking for a friend with benefits. I was looking for a boyfriend. But at the same time I’m not in any rush. He consistently messaged and video chatted for 2 months. After a while he said that he changed his mind. He deleted the app. That he wanted to be my boyfriend in the near future. We finally met in person, went on two amazing dates, then he pressured/guilted me into sex with him on our 3rd date. He said,
“If we both want each other, why aren’t we having sex? You’re playing games. I won’t pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do, but I don’t understand why we can’t have sex. If we stop talking today, I’d have lost a lot of money, which would make me very upset.”
Actually, on that day we first had sex, I was taking some medication that you may have to restart if you’re sexually active on it. I didn’t have health care and I would’ve had to pay out of pocket for more medication and he knew this but didn’t care. This is truly what rubbed me the wrong way. I’m sure he would have paid. But it wasn’t about that. It was the principal, he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. I made the mistake of giving it to him. Don’t get me wrong. He had my consent and i wanted to do it, I would have been very happy to do so, just maybe a week later when my medication was done.
What makes it strange for me is that the rest of the time he is amazing; opening every door every time, walking closer to the street if we’re on a sidewalk, always driving to me even though I also have a car, punctual, very affectionate, attentive, polite, generous, gentleman, kind, vulnerable (he opened up to me very honestly about his abusive childhood) and all of these wonderful things. Throughout this whole time all that stuff has remained consistent. Also, he mentions the fact that he can see himself marrying me and having 3 kids together and all these sweet things, but it doesn’t feel right... when he says that it’s either as a joke, or when he’s being serious he doesn’t sound sincere at all.
Sometimes he is not respectful of my wishes. If I’m not in the mood, he will continue. He won’t stop the kissing/rubbing of my vagina/breasts/booty the first time I’d say stop, one day I had to say it and push him away 4 times, then I asked to go home. After that day, I made my decision that I will not take him seriously as a boyfriend like he said he wanted. (I didn’t say that to him lol) But i told him I’d like to continue to have sex with him, and now we are sexually exclusive.
We planned a resort for just the two of us July 28-30 and he will have access to my body for 72 hours. obviously what he wants is sex for that whole time. It sounds great. This will be my first experience taking a vacation with a man alone! Despite having been manipulated and pressured into sex I feel completely safe and taken care of with him. I’m not used to being pampered and taken care of like he does for me. He paid for my birth control and he always surprises me with food and gifts and does so many things for me.
Which is also why I felt like I HAD to sleep with him or I was afraid he would have felt used. I grew fond of him before we ever met in person. All the video chats were long and I got to know him pretty well.
But instead, I feel taken advantage of and manipulated. I like this guy enough to keep seeing him, and he wants to be exclusively sleeping with me and in a relationship, but this feels like it’s better off as a sexual thing. Or, maybe even nothing. I feel like he would be abusive and manipulative if we continue as a couple... I’m not sure how i should feel or what i should do.
My question is,
Should I cancel this vacation? I would like to enjoy a sexual relationship with him but the question is, does he deserve it? Or should I continue sleeping with him for my own reasons and benefit, regardless of whether he’s worthy or not? Should I leave him after the vacation if i do go? I enjoy the sex very much. I just don’t enjoy the energy he puts around it. Like he’s paying his way to my body, and if i don’t do it there’s something wrong with me..... Please help. My head hurts
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Dear Should I Run,
If you are looking for a boyfriend, I would focus on that. All you have right now is a sexual relationship. This guy should be ashamed that he uses guilt to pressure people into sexual relationships. It doesn't sound like he gave much thought to your health care needs either.
It sounds like this guy is not ready for a relationship. One minute he is pressuring you for sex, the next minute he is saying he wants to marry you. This is a guy that does not know what he wants. More than that, he sounds like he crosses the line into sexual assault when he continues when you ask him to stop. I understand that most of this has been consensual, but that doesn't mean that all of it has. I want to congratulate you on sticking to your boundaries and being very clear with him despite his disrespect.
At the same time, you have gone above and beyond to make him feel good. He took advantage of this kindness. He may want a relationship, but he doesn't sound like a caring boyfriend. It sounds like he is lacking maturity and that he is mentally unwell.
You need to stop seeing this guy. I understand that you care about him and that the connection is there. That said, I do not see this having long term potential. He is not worthy of you, and continuing to sleep with him for your own benefit will only waste your time. It may be enjoyable, but you are wasting time that could be spent with a man that you prefer.
Even if you care about him and enjoy the sex, his actions are abusive and this whole thing is time consuming.
Take care,
Little Owl
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I would say that if you really enjoy his company then you can go on the trip. However, think about what YOU want in the long run. It seems like he is very attracted to you, but he is just thinking about sex. So he might tell you what you want to hear in order to get it. If you are just having fun and don't want any serious commitment then you can continue to see him. But I think you're looking for a more long-term relationship, and I would say to follow your gut on this one. If he makes you feel uncomfortable about sex then maybe he isn't the right one for you. He does not seem very considerate, and if he wants more with you then he'll have to respect your wishes and desires and not pressure you to have sex even if you don't want to. You don't owe him anything; by paying for your dates and being a gentleman he is giving you what you deserve, and you have a right to end the date with or without sex if you choose to. Just think about what you want out of a relationship. If he is not ready for a relationship, maybe you can move on to someone who wants the same things as you.
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The problems started for you in the beginning, him wanting friend with benefits and you a boyfriend. I once had a friend with benefits after my divorce and before I met my husband. I am a sexual person and wanting sex with someone who would treat me nicely as a friend.
A person has to be a friend even a new person you meet, before they can become a friend with benefits, Otherwise, its isn't sex with a friend. Maybe sex with a person who doesn't care about others, only himself.
Now I will go to your question at the end. Should you go? As long as you want only the sex and don't care if he even treats you as a friend, then sure go ahead if you know you can remain neutral and just go for the experience. But you already know how his mind works and if you leave him eventually, he is keeping a tally already of what he has spent on you and this weekend would go in the mix and he will accuse you of using him. If you are also okay with dealing with this kind of back lash after the weekend, then go.
Now I will share more to help you decide if he is even worth your while for the sex. I see no problem with having a friend with benefits if you don't have a gf/bf or wife/husband. However the operative word here is friend. I once read somewhere that a marriage needs a solid foundation to be able to last forever. My first marriage didn't because it didn't have that and I was too naive to not see that what I thought were the necessary ingrediants, were in fact none existant.
This foundation only needs two things but sadly most couples married of not only have one. The first is being close friends or best friends and the other is being each others sexual equal, where the chemistry is there.
The only difference between friends and sexual relationships is having the sexual desire for each other, otherwise both a friend and a sexual relationship are supposed to have friendship. You already know he is not treating you like a close friend would. You have the choice to take the poor treatment just to get the sex or stop seeing him and waiting until you find a guy who not only is a terrific friend and treats you well as a human being, thinking of you first, and also truly being drawn to you ...the whole package, so inside and out, and being in love unconditionally.
Yes, crappy men can outwardly go through the motions to do things they feel will impress a woman while inside they don't want to relate to another human closely and care about another. So you have seen him use some manners like open doors for you. But that alone isn't what you get when you are in some kind of relationship with a person. YOu get exactly what they are on the inside. And you can't change another person, because change and the desire to change for the better or even be able to acknowledge the behavior needs improving, that one is wrong, must be part of the persons characteristics before they will even be able to change. So I now tell others based on what I learned by living through it, is that few people ever make great strides in changing. They may change a few petty things that in the long run won't make a difference. I know what it is like when a man makes it all about him and his feelings and could care less about me. I was also verbally abused and he tried the emotional abuse but my faith in God kept me sane there. This was a husband who fooled my friends and my family and after a month of being nice after marriage, changed to his real self. You have known your guy since April, so not long enough to learn everything you might like or dislike about him. About three months, but I can vouch for another fact that people who put on their best appearance and become someone they think you will like, not who they really are, a false personality because deep down they know they won't measure up and have some bad traits. It takes too much personal energy to keep up a false personality and remember to keep their false image going so depending on how often you see them, it can be by the 3rd date that you see their real self come out. Thats what I found out as an adult in my forties when single again and starting dating. Their act is good so that I would be thinking that maybe this person would turn out okay and by the third date or a month in, I'd see something that showed me a bad trait that had lain hidden in the person. From your description, this man isn't treating you as a friend, is selfish, meaning he comes into this relationship thinking only what you can do for him, not what he can do for you, or else he wouldn't pretend to not hear you and keep going for more sex. In bed, the right man will not be concerned about his own pleasure but want to pleasure his female. When he does, the females libido is turned on hot like an iron and like an iron it is very slow to cool off so she'll be wanting to give him back as much as she can to please him. Its a give and want to give back, not a take and take. A give and take which you've heard before is something that can work if one partner isn't keeping a tally of what they have done for you. He is not boyfriend, sex friend or husband material dear. At some point, you need to cut off seeing him, as I hope you can see by some of what I've shared, that he is not worth investing any time into, not even as a friend. If you decide to continue seeing him for sex, he won't learn that he has bad behavior that needs changing. If every woman refused to have sex with him or even go out once they heard something bad the first time, then he would either have to wonder why and hopefully learn that he is the problem or he will grow older and more lonely as a bachelor til the day he dies. I can see how a man who keeps tally, is not unconditional. He is conditinal and probably doesn't even realize that. He has conditions that you must meet, hoops for you to jump through for him to not blame you for anything. Sure he willingly pays for dinner out or your meds. but it isn't really free and given in love just because. All his actions require something back from you. If you never pay your own way, (something I always did to avoid this) or only sometimes do, then he will be quick to tell you that you owe him or simply try to take by force what he wants in payment back. If it takes a person several decades to learn better and become better, may be he can change one day. But do you want to wait until 3 more decades have passed, staying with him, only to find out, he still hasn't changed one bit and has no desire to.
You asked does he deserve a sexual relationship with you? Everyone deserves to have a wonderful rewarding sexual relationship. But by how he thinks, he certainly has not earned it. Think of it that way, and also not monetarily. Other than his money spent on you, those other things matter as much and even more. If he can't be that friend for you as well as a great sex partner. Then all you will have if you stay is okay sex with a man more concerned about getting his jollies than how it affects you. My second husband is so considerate that he doesn't want to ask me even if he needs it but I am tired, sleeping or sick. Even when I told him that on occasion I am okay with morning sex, just not every morning as he wakes earlier than me, and yet, he loves me so much, he doesn't want to wake me even occasionally.
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