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I raped him. 21, woman
CW: rape
Two weeks ago now, I engaged in sexual interactions with my boyfriend. I told him that I didn’t want anything to happen to me down there, because at the time I was uncomfortable with it, and also I had just had a UTI and I really didn’t want to inflame it, but that I would go down on him. He was angry that I wouldn’t let him, and even though I persisted he was still sexual, and made advances… I escaped to the bathroom and showered so I would be able to get away. When I got back, he was still really sexual and took the towel away.
I felt wrong about it, but I knew from experience that if I said no, he’d get angry and I’d end up paying for it. I’m a victim of rape myself, and sometimes I can’t have sex or do sexual things, but he told me I need to at least try to feel the mood, instead of just giving up before, which is completely fair. I tend to decide early on that I’m not okay instead of trying it first. So I tried and while it was uncomfortable, I knew that I could. I engaged in oral sex with him and he put his legs up, which is usually his cue that he wants anal play. I asked him if I could, and he said yes. I performed anal cunnilingus, and he came really quickly, and mentioned it and said it was great. Afterwards he had a counseling session to go to almost immediately after, so I stayed in my room while he left. I felt really good that I had made him get there so quickly (usually it takes twenty minutes, this time was more like 8 which is rare). I masturbated because I was proud of myself, and then met up with him after his session. He asked how my time since he last saw me had been, and I told him that I had orgasmed thinking about it…he blew up and was really angry. He felt used, like I had just used his body for my own pleasure, and said that he had thought that he would get to go down on me and he regretted it now because he didn’t. I felt really horrible. He had to go to class after that, and even though I know it’s wrong to do, I thought to myself that no, I get to have the right to my orgasms, and it’s okay for me to say no especially if it’s because of pain. When I told him that, he told me that I had sexually assaulted him because he wasn’t getting what he thought he signed up for, getting to go down on me, and I apologized over and over again. I must not have been clear enough. I wish I could be better, but this week is the anniversary of one of my rapes, and I just can’t be sexual. I know I should just try, but I can’t.
Things… haven’t been going well. I opened up to a friend about some things, and they said a lot of the relationship was controlling and bad for me, so I started bringing up conversations about breaking up, with that event as part of it. But today, he told me that I raped him. He told me that he didn’t want any of it, that he felt pressured to say yes to it and like he couldn’t say no. I didn’t know at the time. I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t. He revealed to me today that he had shook his head no at one point. I didn’t see it, but that doesn’t excuse it. I feel so horrible, and I apologized so much even though apologizing doesn’t cover it. I never thought I would be a rapist, I never thought I could become one of the monsters who have affected my life so much over the years. I have nightmares every night, I have PTSD and major depression and anxiety from it, and I can’t believe I could have done this to someone else.
How do I turn myself in? I never pressed charges against any of my rapists, but now I regret that. I know I’m a monster and that I need to be held accountable. Is it possible for me to file a report on myself? Accidental rape isn’t a thing, you can’t accidentally rape someone. Maybe the worst part is that even though I know what it’s like to be a survivor, I have wonders about whether he’s lying and manipulating me so I don’t leave him, which is horrible of me and I know it. I’m coming to this forum because I don’t have anyone else to talk to, I wasn’t allowed to talk to my friends and now they’ve drifted apart. How do I fix this? I’m desperately in need of advice, I can’t believe I did this, but I need help from someone, even if it’s a stranger. Please, help me. How do I make things right?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
You are not a rapist. If anything he forced you. You are a victim and he is manipulating you. Leave him. You will only get hurt in this relationship. Your body is not his.
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I used to be married to a verbally abusive man and a friend of his, over alot was a controller. YOu've heard that one before. They slowly whittle down your sense of what is normal and good so they can do whatever they want and you will even take the blame they dump on you. I am familiar with that. Experienced it myself. I am divorced from that man after giving him 30 years to change his life around. He only went to a counselor in the end still not believng there was anything wrong with him but overheard him telling someone he was going through the motions of seeing a counselor in hopes I'd stay with him, thinking that now he'd get better. But when he said it was a ruse and that he didn't need to get better, the Dr. was wrong, I continued with my plans and left him. It took him two years to calm down and agree on a divorce. I didn't have money to pay for one myself so that's why it took time.
Your question "How do I make things right" I assume based on your mental condition by living with an abuser, you meant how to make things right with him, am I correct? Well, you can't. People with his condition of controlling and abusing rarely get professional help or even want it. I can tell you that maybe even a professional is unable to help him so where would that leave you the victim? All I can recommend immediately is that you go in for counseling. If you can't afford counseling or its not covered by your insurance, start calling churches to ask if they have a counseling ministry. Some of the larger ones do, like one I used to attend. The counselors may be pastors or deacons trained as counselors and getting paid by the church but mention you can't pay if thats the case. What you need is to get your head straight first because right now, your mind is so abused, it won't be able to see this situation like an outsider like me or the other who wrote can see it. Once you are back to your happy healthy mental self, you will see this situation clearly and realize that this guy is nothing but evil and you must cut him out of your life. If you are living together with him, I don't care if your name is on the lease, change your cell number and walk away from him to go stay with the parents or other relatives nearby. They will find a way to take you in if you tell them whats going on. He will try to talk you out of going to counseling because he knows once you are thinking for yourself again and no longer under his control, he would have to work harder to get you back to feeling helpless and the victim.
Also, the reason he said he was assaulted by you was to scare you into not going for help, it is another control tactic dear. I am familiar with them having been through it myself.
In the beginning, I stood up to my husband, telling him no about something, not even sex, trying to use logic to explain something. I'll give an example: He was berating me about where I put food items and dishes in our kitchen cupboards. I had logically placed all cups and mugs on the lowest shelf nearest the water tap as that made sense. I pointed that out and asked if he was upset about that. He would not answer but continued to shout how I was an adult and not stupid and this was my job, keeping up the house and he expected it to be perfect when he got home from work the next day. I had to work too and had little kids, but somehow I managed to change everything around. When he got home, all he did was verbally cut me down about making even a bigger mess of it. So I said I wanted to make him happy and would follow his plan if he would right down instructions for me to follow and I pretended he had me cowed so I lost self respect, so I even said, I guess I am too stupid to figure it out on my own. He went for that and wrote out instructions. His ideas were worse than where everything was before this started. When he came home and looked at the cupboards, I was sure I would hear this was good. Instead he shocked me by attacking me again. Apparently he wasn't responsible for any mistakes and never did anything wrong, it was always someone else fault in his mind so He yelled about how I messed this up all over again. So I got out the paper with his instructions on my drawings of each cupboard as to what he wanted where. I told him, You told me to put all this stuff as you see it now. You only can blame yourself. I don't like as it is dysfunctional. If you had been happy and not complained, I would have gone along with it. But since you are just looking for excuses to attack me, then I am going to do it my way and too bad ford you. I changed them back. He didn't hit me but he was into shoving me hard when unhappy with me but it didn't happen often, Mostly verbal abuse and threats he never followed through on. From that point on, I realised he has issues, and already knew he wouldn't go for counseling at church or elsewhere. But I decided to no longer let him push me around verbally, I would ignore him or leave. One day my kids were off at friends houses for dinner and he picked a fight with me. It angered him that he couldn't get me to start yelling too or crying. It was time to make us a dinner but I'd had enough so I told him if he didn't shut up right now and stop verbally attacking me, that I was going to leave. He was quiet only a few seconds before he began to yell again so I grabbed my purse and coat and headed for the front door. I think, he didn't believe I was strong enough to do this. As I yanked the door open, he had the gall to ask, "What about my dinner?" "Make it yourself" I said and slammed the door behind me as I left and went to a friends where I finally made plans to leave him for good.
When I went home later, he was quiet and said nothing. The thing a verbal bully and controller do not like is a strong woman with self confidence because they know it is too much work to wear them down to be in their control or more aptly described, they would find it a futile effort. If simpply dating, the woman would leave. But I was married and had kids. The 2nd about to move out and one had a year left in HS.
He chose me to want to marry because he thought I was something other than I look to people. I have long known that my appearance makes people think I am something other than I am. So when he found out I was hard to control, at first he rose to the challenge, then later he just called me all sorts of foul things in public, in front of family who he chewed up if they spoke up for me. He had no respect for anyone. And I was too young and believing what I heard at church that God doesn't believe in divorce. trust him to heal your marriage. It took many years of my relationship with God and hearing HIm respond and tell me things that made sense and things finally clicked in my mind and I knew it was okay for me to leave the husband, that I had tried everything I could to make it work but he was the one who was resistant to professional help and he was the problem, so I left him. A controller will make you feel you can't talk to or see friends or family, they cut you off from your support group so he is literally the only person in your life and he is the abuser.
If you don't live with him, don't tell him anything you are planning. Just stop going to see him. Don't open the door to him. Make sure those you live with check first before opening the door and if its Him, not to open it. If he makes any verbals threats, Start recording on a cell...if you can hear it, likely some of it from outside will be heard in a recording if he is mad and yelling. If he isn't saying enough, say things to get him to continue, like it's over, I will not hang out with an abusive man so go away. The plain truth and the fact you are not caving to him this time will help. If you are living with him, surely there are times he is not at home when you are. During one of these times, pack a bag of clothes to go, drive or take a bus to the nearest womans shelter. All cities have safe houses and services for women of domestic violence. Verbal abuse only isn't recognized as domestic abuse in some places so you'd have to say something if bruises are not ever left on you such as he pushes you or yanks on your clothes to stop you. Thats still assault and can be reported to police. But let the womens shelters help you with that. Even if you still believe that you are a horrible person or the one at fault, at least believe me that these are false distorted thoughts in your mind and planted there by the men who abused you so that you would not ever complain about them. So call the Natl. Domestic abuse Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) to get started and they can give you addresses in your area of where you can go for immediate. Get counseling as soon as you can. I needed to do this after I left my ex, even though he hadn't messed up my mind as yours has been. The stress of such a life with a controller has to go somewhere, either physically or mentally it affects your body. I got all the physical stressed related illnesses, like headaches, migraines, all over body rash and stomach ulcers. Your stress hit you mentally. SO no matter how horrible you think you are, just call the number, leave him and get counseling and rebuild your life. I can't encourage you or tell you more until after you've called the hotline, gone to a shelter, started counseling. At that point, if you need someone to talk to about how you go on with your life after abuse, I'd be glad to share my story with you and encourage you.
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Oh honey. If anything, he raped you. Take solace in the knowledge that a complete stranger thinks he's as manipulative and awful as you do. You need to leave him. You may not have talked to your friends or family in a while, but I guarantee they'll take you back. He is so wrong about everything. He's manipulating and gaslighting you. He's using your experience being raped against you. You are not a rapist, you're really not. Don't tell the cops you raped him, because there's a good chance that when you do, he'll change the story so it seems like you really did rape him, instead of this bullshit he's told you now.
And just so you know, your pain is valid. Any reason for not wanting to engage in sexual activity is good enough, but especially trauma from rape. He should be compassionate, especially around the anniversary of it. He is wrong, not you. Please leave and do not look back. It'll only get worse.
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