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Coworker troubles
A while back, I was friends with my coworkers and very close to them, until a new female employee started working and excluded me from my group of work friends. She is now dating one of the other coworkers. It is very obvious and others have been asking me if they're dating to which I answer yes. I was unaware that this was a secret. Our boss now knows. Also, the female employee texted my best friend saying that I am selfish and a bad person because I gossiped about them, rather than confronting me. P.S We are adults in a post graduate career. However, I honestly feel terrible, should I feel bad? Should I apologize? I just feel very uncomfortable at work and now get anxious about even going into work. I'm just not sure what to do about this situation. Although it does not seem to be a big deal it clearly is to my female coworker. What do I do?
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I will be blunt. She is an insecure bitch and has probably and most certainly have had this behavior her entire life. She is likely uncomfortable with how fast you make friends or do your job better than she can etc . Your boss probably gets that she is this way as are the two males.
However, you should point out to HR the way she has been acting, your inadvertent gaffe and that you are uncomfortable around her. That should fix things. I would NOT apologize for anything to her. You really haven't done anything wrong and that gives her ammo.
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I say you need to protect yourself cus no one else is going to. This I would call an insurance against the 'what if she becomes vindictive and makes up lies to get me to lose my job', If she is already acting this way, its not too far a stretch to see her try to do further damage. So I'd have to agree with Adviceman, best to talk to the boss. You have to be careful to not share anything else that might be secret. Since the boss already knows, if you don't know how he found out/from who, it might be helpful to know. What if the boss caught them and discovered for him self before the people you told, even had a chance to say anything. There's no way to be 100% sure unless the boss says he figured it out him self. What a couple doesnt realize is that even if acting professional, if they are a couple, their eyes, facial expressions and body language give them away, long before hearing gossip.If your other coworkers saw something and believed it must be true, this they knew without talking to you. So your boss could easily have seen for him self, the same the others did and figured out for him self.
The only issue is if there's a strict policy to not date any coworkers. Other than that, if it doesnt cause a problem for her or the guy, then I don't see why there's an issue. If there is a policy, it will seem you did this spitefully to cause trouble.
Sorry to confirm that not all adults grow wiser and more mature as they get older. So even though an adults, you will find issues throughout life that crop up because of children in adult bodies, people who are as immature as they were in middle school or HS. IF she had just been mad and personally chewed you out, that's one thing, but sending texts and making up whatever bad things she can say about you already shows she is a loose cannon that could cause some real damage if the boss were to believe her without any real proof. Just because someone is a boss doesn't mean they are necessarily any more mature and wise. So I have found at times it has been better for me to say something first, trying to patch things up, without falsely confessing I was wrong just to maintain peace.
I feel that if you come across as a peacemaker, with the boss, it should all turn out okay.
Ask first if he knows anything regarding issues that (mention her name) has with you. If he is aware, or not, let him know you'd like him to hear your side of the story in case she does not let this go and just move on. Then tell him your side of the story. I feel its better to say something first rather than going to talk to him only after she has brought accusations made up against you to him. At that point, it looks more like you are guilty of something because you did not voluntarily bring this up with the boss yourself. Going to boss first gives off the sense that you have nothing to hide and are not guilty. After all, what guilty person would do something that could get him/her in trouble if the spotlight isn't currently on them?
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I would say you have nothing to apologize for. she ostracized you from your group of friends. You knew of the dating and because you were not part of the group you did not know she wanted to keep it a secret.
Now I am a different person then you may be so how I would handle this may be out of your comfort zone. I would take this coworker aside and tell her. That ever since she started there she, not you has been the cause of any problems between the two of you. You don't know and you don't care why she took an instant dislike to you. Your sorry her secret got out but that is the consequence of her actions towards you by not sharing with you as she is with others.
You go on to tell her your not looking to be friends but you do expect her to be a professional in the office. Which means she does her job and she shares any and all relevant information pertaining to the job with you. If there is anything about her personal life that might spill over into the office she should email you and tell you if it needs to be kept a secret.
Prior to this conversation with her you go to your boss and tell him or he that you are aware of a problem, not of your making, and that it is your intent to have a serious conversation with her about office professionalism and how to interact with people. You don't know why she has taken a dislike to you but she should keep it out of the office.
You do this to protect yourself so she can't run to the boss and say you threatened her. The boss may tell you to do nothing and let him or her handle it. If so disregard what I have said to say to her.
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Hiya! Dr.D here!
sounds like no one here is at fault. you were award of them dating and had no clue it was a secret and so told the truth. Which that is normal! But sometimes we have to apologize even though it was miscommunication.
I suggest going to her, and apologizing. Tell her the truth. You had no clue that it was meant to be a secret and that a friend ask so you told him/her. Always tell the truth. its my policy. :-)
And for your friends/coworkers. They are still your friend. You ever watch toy story? well the beginning goes Woody is jealous of Buzz because he takes his glory and his friends. But at the end the resolution is made when woody and buzz become friends. So by friending this female coworker. You can all be friends. Have a new friend. And this fight will be over.
I wish you good luck! :D
-Dr.D
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