Free AdviceGet Free Advice
Home | Get advice | Give advice | Topics | Columnists | - !START HERE! -
Make Suggestions | Sitemap

Get Advice


Search Questions

Ask A Question

Browse Advice Columnists

Search Advice Columnists

Chat Room

Give Advice

View Questions
Search Questions
Advice Topics

Login

Username:
Password:
Remember me
Register for free!
Lost Password?

Want to give Advice?

Sign Up Now
(It's FREE!)

Miscellaneous

Shirts and Stuff
Page Backgrounds
Make Suggestions
Site News
Link To Us
About Us
Terms of Service
Help/FAQ
Sitemap
Contact Us


Cheating


Question Posted Saturday May 6 2017, 5:08 am

So usually i am on this site, to give my advice. I come to my fellow website friends to ask a question in hopes to find a answer that will finally bring my brain some ease. So to make this story brief as possible, i have been seeing a gentleman for about 8 months now. It started as a friendship. Spending endless hours talking and exploring life in ways that we both agreed we have never been able to do with another human being before.He is a deep, emotional type person. He prays to the universe and loves the rain. He is the type of person i have been looking for my entire life. After about 3 months of me and my "friend" being able to escape these moments that would happen, we finally kissed. The type of kiss that i never thought actually possible. The goosebumps giving type. After this we spent many days together, from the moment we were off work until crazy hours in the am. He got me back into writing, and taught me to play guitar. We would watch every documentary we could find. I feel like every person i have loved before now, i am completely over. Because the way i feel for him is absolutely a feeling i have never had. Now for the twist of the story.
He is Married.
With three children.
Most of our talks in the first months, were about how he was stuck in his relationship and how he was very unhappy. But he choose to stay with her for the kids. He would actually say "i feel like life is longer for me, but to just please the people around me".
He works away from home, he spends monday-friday here and goes home for weekends.
I guess my question is, how come he has not left his wife yet if he was so unhappy. Do you think i am getting played? He says to me often that its just very hard for him to just leave because he has so much invested, and he is so scared that his kids will think less of him. In which i have been telling him, take your time to do things right. I made him promise to me that if he leaves him wife, he has to do it 100 percent because its best for him. And i should be absolutely not a part of that decision.
Do you think i am still a very horrible person? Because i get in this mood, when i start to really think about it, and i feel like the worse person to ever set foot on this earth. But most of the other time, it was his choice. And now i am deeply in love with him and i cant imagine my life without him, but what do i do now. He says every weekend he leaves basically, that this may be the weekend everything happens. But it still hasnt. Please give me some insight on what i am to do.


[ Answer this question ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?


MrKaman answered Tuesday May 9 2017, 9:34 pm:
Rule number two. never fall in love with a married man.

rule number ONE. never fall in love with a married man with kids.

When you are having a hard time finding the right answer it is because the right answer is the hard answer. What that means is you have to leave him. It will not be easy, it will hurt. However, I see no other way out of your situation without causing more harm then good.

Your happiness, his, his wife, and 1, 2, 3 kids. It is best over all to keep his family together at least till the kids are out of the house. sadly that means you are losing end of this situation.

Your best move is to never see him again. Cut your loses spend a few months crying and move on.

If you try to make it work the situation will most get worst, not better.

Nest time you have a fling with a married man do not fall in love.

[ MrKaman's advice column | Ask MrKaman A Question
]




Dragonflymagic answered Saturday May 6 2017, 3:13 pm:
I don't try to tell someone what to do unless based on my own experiences and lots of info. it sounds exactly like something I've lived through and can honestly tell you what I believe the right decision is. Both Adviceman and I are older so we have life experience. I do not know about DrD as that person I haven't seen before. I have 2 different scenerios.

I fell in love after a divorce. The man was in love with me, I can tell by how he treated me and it all was so perfect as the guy you describe. He was separated and at some point, his wife comes to him saying she wants to make the marriage work and get back together. He loved her but left due to quite a lot of her emotional problems that after decades of marriage and adult kids, she had never addressed or wanted to get over. so here he was in love with 2 women. Loving more than one is actually not a crime. It isn't in vogue these days as being monogamous is, but there are people who are polyamorous, meaning having more than one love and it is not a secret but each partner knows who their mates other love interests are and are okay with it. If he and his wife were poly, and he wanted to add you as one of his loves, and you were open to that, then you'd all be one bigger happy family.
My next story, being that I was on a dating site, is that I always met a guy who sounded promising online in a public place like a coffee shop or restaurant where I paid my way. This was not a date. The guy I was meeting in this story presented himself as single on line. He enjoyed talking to me during dinner and saw that I was truly open honest and sweet as he said and so in the parking lot after, he felt guilty about his secret, he was married, kids grown. SO he confessed that to me. He confessed that he called me as I said I did not mind poly. He was hoping for two special ladies in his life. The only problem with his wife was that she no longer was interested in sex. But in everything else, she was still his best friend. He was still in love with her and could not under any circumstance see himself leaving her. All he wanted was sex on the side and that was way he thought poly was a good idea. So I explained to him that for poly to work successfully, his wife if she was open to this idea, would be okay with him having me just on the side for sex, since I was okay with that, at least for now, until I came across the man I'd like to do marriage with after my divorce. He told me he could never tell his wife and she'd ask for a divorce and he could not financially afford to support her and himself separately with his income.
You guy is a very unique wonderful man from your description. Sounds quite a lot in character as my 2nd husband. If all he wanted was sex on the side, he would not have waited 3 for just a kiss! I believe his intention going in was platonic, just being lonely due to travel for work and not having anyone to even talk to after work. But as you said, the moments of attraction were there even before the kiss. I believe he tried hard to resist but in the end found himself falling in love with you. I don't know if he went into detail with what the issues are with wife that make him miserable but those might be enlightening to know.
What I do know about relationships is that a firm foundation for a couple relationship is based on 2 things, 1. Being each others best friend and 2. being each others sexual equal. This means having the same libido for one thing. If one is happy with sex 2x a month and the other wants 2 or more times a week, then after some time both will be at odds with one wanting more and the other upset at being harassed for more. Then there's sexual preferences, and how strong the sexual chemistry/pheromones is between you.
It is hard to find a good person let alone one who can be both friend and lover. Most end up with just one, a marriage partner who is only a lover but not a best friend or a best friend but not a lover. Just knowing this and what you have shared, I suspect that if he is truly miserable, it is not because he doesn't have good sex, he may be lacking the best friend camaraderie, time enjoyed just spent together where everything feels more special because that person is there with you. Because it sure sounds like he found that in you. He was probably likely okay with the idea of having one of those foundational relationship things in one woman and getting the other from another. But my guess is that he never believed he might fall in love and feel an actual sexual attraction as a bonus. It is very possible that this man has found someone now in you with whom he can have both of the important relational foundation pieces for a relationship and with the wife has only one. So when you ask why he hasn't left her yet, we need to examine whether he is a player or not. MOst men of less character and fiber would just leave if unhappy, no matter of any commitments or children. So that is not holding him there, commitment to his children. There are many Dads divorced who have great relationships with their kids. Kids are actually quite good with it once they get over the shock of parents not together anymore. The difference for kids is seeing each parent happier on their own or with a new partner and because they love you, they also want you to be happy. I am divorced and remarried and my girls told me I looked much happier after I left their Dad. And they like my new husband too. So that is not a valid excuse. But I can think of something, that morally he was raised and trained to not ever shirk his responsibilities and it is so engrained in him that he can not imagine leaving his family even if he is unhappy.
Here is another piece of human behavior that may help you. When we first apply for a job or meet someone when looking for a relationship, we are on our best behavior whether you consciously think of it or not. We only show what we believe will make the other person want us so either we hold back and don't show our full self or the person doesn't like much of anything about themselves and puts on a total false facade of character. The deal here to discovering who the real person is then, is just a matter of being patient and waiting it out. See, a person presenting a not so true personality of themselves has to put in a lot of personal energy to maintaining it, like when you tell lies and later try to remember who it was you told it to....it is very draining. So no one can keep up a false persona for very long. Some are really good at this and can keep it up for a month or two or so, but in the 8 months you've been together, anything false about the man he has presented himself to be would have slipped away by now due to exhaustion of keeping it up. A person also doens't seem to consciously notice when they are showing their real self in more frequent slip ups until they are back acting their real self. So if he has not changed in all this time, then the man you see is what you get.
So are you getting played? I believe this is where the difference of opinions may center from the two previous advice givers. On one hand, is he is truly being himself, he is a man of commitments and doesn't commit lightly and loves his kids and wants to be there for them. That is good. But his belief that he can't do that if he divorces is what needs to be investigated. This would be a situation of no plan to deceive you since he talked about the relationship from the beginning. He didn't even try to kiss you or press you for sex in the beginning. He may need help with seeing other possible solutions though as he seems to see only one, staying with wife and also keeping you on the side with the only thing keeping him stuck here being perhaps a fear to bring up the subject with wife and a fear of losing his kids forever.

Then again, perhaps his fear is not trusting himself enough. If he committed to a woman once who was not the perfect fit in both relationship requirements, then perhaps he fears he may not be seeing the real thing here and is just not sure with you. Not being totally sure that things could change for the worse could be enough to keep him from leaving her while intentionally hoping to keep you too in his life and this would be the string you along thing, getting played. If it's all about those wonderful exciting feelings at the beginning of any new thing in our lives, that is hard for many too understand let alone realize it exists. Think back to a toy you wanted so badly for Christmas and kept telling the parents and once you got it, it was exciting for the first couple days or weeks or maybe longer, but eventually it became boring, that special excitement about the toy had worn off and it no longer held your interest. You may have even discovered it had limitations you didn't expect. It is the same in relationships. This feeling at first is so much like the feeling of really being in love that we are fooled and get into a relationship. Then when the feeling wears off, the relationship breaks up as the feelings go away and one is left realizing the other person is no where near the perfect fit for you as a partner. He may not be totally aware of this and could be assuming the same will happen with you. But this NRE new relationship energy doesn't last forever, it eventually goes away. For many, its around for a short time only a couple months but doesn't seem to last past a year. More likely from people I have talked to, it seemed to last depending on amount of time spent together. So if only meeting on weekends, that's 4 times a month vs a month of seeing the person every day or so. My opinion is that the average falls around 3 to 6 months before people notice a decrease in the feeling of how the relationship felt in the very beginning.

As for you being a bad person, I don't see it that way. its more of on a sliding scale, there are choices than can be worse and ones that are better. As a soul, and what learning level you are at, if it feels right to get involved with someone even just as a friend, is up to you. If the feelings change into something more, then it is up to you to re-evaluate and decide to break it off or stay. You only want to find the right kind of person for you. The fact is, I married at 20 and didn't know who the right person for me was back then. Most of us don't really know enough in our youth to make the best decision for a marriage partner. That is why there are so many divorces because people continue to mature and grow and even change and eventually realize the person they are married to is not the perfect fit. I see no reason why at that point, a person can not leave their partner and look for someone who is a better fit for them. this page shows your info of being female and aged 20. So if he is married and has kids, not just one, he has to be older than you. Married a while and for him it sounds perfectly normal to now realize he is not with the right person. I am sure you will want children of your own unless you are one who knows at an early age that you do not ever want to feel burdened down by having kids. If he is quite a lot older, he may not want any more kids. This is something to consider when looking for the love of your life. The love of my life was also married before, I think just as many who accidentally find the right person from the start when young is way less than the amount of people who find true love the second time around because they are more mature. You may be very mature for your age dear and must be to be an advisor on here. I felt I was at that age. But maturity aside, I realize looking back that I lacked experience in ways of the world or understanding the intricacies of human behavior especially when it came to intimate relationships. And that's a given due to the age. So even if going into this with your eyes wide open, you may be doing so for all the right reasons but the other person is always going to be the unpredictable ingredient in life. Not just in couple relationships, but in all people you come across and depend on in life. We all have a God given will to choose as we wish. Lots of choices are intentionally destructive ones, but lots are based on not having enough information, or based on assumptions like there is only one way, one choice. Of course there are some people who do study and check out everything they can before making a decision. I do not know but perhaps you are the right person for him, perhaps not. But the fact he is such a wonderful sounding man, I must admit, there aren't many of these around. So I can understand your not wanting to see this end. If his weak character points are being indecisive, afraid of making a big life change, either he will stay stuck there or he may be one of those people who just need to hear a couple more options than the only one he thinks there is. So have a good talk with him and find out what is truly holding him back cus tho the kids are his excuse, that is not a valid one as there are other options, that's not the only one. Ask him some point blank questions. Was his wife his best friend when they met and married, or was she his best lover, or a blend of both. Ask if he sees you as one, the other or both. This information may be revealing enough to let you know what you are dealing with. You need to be honest and let him know what it is you are looking for in a guy. There are things that are deal breakers, meaning if his stance is different than yours, a relationship will not work no matter how many good things there are about him. Then there are things you'd like to have in a guy which are liking icing on the cake, very nice but not necessary. Example, I like long hair in a guy but would have been happy if the right man shaved his head all the time. Be sure what are the deal breakers for you and let him know what they are. So if you need to be the only woman in his life, and you want to have kids, those become deal breakers if he can't make the changes to be in total agreement. He has of course options with the kids, duel custody and perhaps him getting the kids on weekends, older enough ones are in school during the day so the main custody parent will have them most the time and schooling is part of that. The other parents gets them for odd evenings and some weekends. It isn't the same, no...but what is better for the kids is to grow up witnessing two adults in their life who truly love each other. If the two don't or fight, the kids will know. One child watched whenever we kissed, and at age 3 saw two candles leaning in the taper candle holders, crossing against each other. SHe exclaimed, Look Mommy, the candles are kissing. This is good, this a healthy and helps a child when they come of age to have a better idea of what a healthy relationship is. The ones portrayed on Tv are too unreal or perfect or just plain wacky. Where else will they learn. I stayed too long with my ex and my daughters suffered for it. Two of 3 have troubles with relationships because of it. His kids are better off even if Mom stays single but they see a healthy happy relationship with whomever their Dad remarries to. Don't spend as much time on the doing activities that take up concentration space so you both are not talking. Talking right now is the most important thing as he is missing information for sure, and you probably are too, due to things he may not yet have revealed, things that might help you make a decision. I feel for you. If he won't budge, you have to choose him in just this configuration or let him go. And that would be a big world of hurt and pain. But keep this in mind, over the years of settling for more of the same, its inevitable to feel discontent and pain at being left out when he spends time with his family on weekends when you want all 7 days a week with him. You may be ok wiwth it now but if you had to let go of your ideal for a man and the situation, and settle for less, then trust me, at some point it will crept up, resentment and pain and this would be pain you have simply from having him still in your life. If it comes to this, you would have pain whether you leave him or stay with him. The only difference is, staying with him is a pain that lasts as long as the relationship, maybe a lifetime of this. But letting someone go, the pain eventually fades over time. Not your memory though. You will still remember him. But in time, the memories instead of bringing you pain, will have no pain attached to them and you can find yourself smiling at any good memories, despite the fact it didn't work out.
If you discover anything new that may shed more light as to why he hasn't asked for a divorce yet or anything else you'd like another viewpoint on, let me know and I'll try to help. My personal opinion is that he doesn't sound like a player due to some of the things you shared, but if he can't make a decision to divorce her and be with you fully, then even if he's not the player type, he is in fact hurting you as if he were a player and that is just as bad and just as good a reason to not associate with him. A man who is truly in love with a woman, as mine is with me, does not like to witness his lady upset or crying and if he finds out shes crying do to something he did, he feels even worse and it compells him to not promise to try to change but actually change and never do that behavior again. If you hurt, he hurts so he would never do things that hurt you if he cared that much. Is 8 months enough time for him to learn to love you that deeply? Yes. Does he love things about you, or is he in love with you. In love is the only one that works in the long run. Thats the one where it hurts him to see you hurting so he does all in his power to change things and make you happy. That I believe is what you want. I just don't know enough to advise you is he does feel that way or not. Good luck dear.

[ Dragonflymagic's advice column | Ask Dragonflymagic A Question
]



DrD answered Saturday May 6 2017, 11:26 am:
Hiya!
HOLY CRAP DON'T LISTEN TO THAT FIRST GUYS ADVICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I read that first sentence and just grabbed my chest! I can't believe he said that!!!!!!!!!!

Now hold the phone, and now give it to me. he is right about one thing, this man could have the potential of cheating. But you said you feel something deep for this man. And you feel the echo of it being reproduced from him. Love... is such a tricky thing.

Ever heard the Greek tale the Iliad? To sum up the point, this man named Paris, can either choose to be with his love, who cares for him, loves him, and he deeply loves her. Or be with the most beautiful women ever to live on Earth. He chose the most beautiful women on earth. Will say the most beautiful women ever to live(helen) represents his current wife. And the man(paris) represents him. And finally, you represent the caring, and loving one(Oenone(probably spelled that wrong)). How the story goes, is that he could not stand Helen anymore, for they were nothing alike, and only stayed together because he faught a war for her. But in the end, he crawls back to Oenone, dying. And wishes to be with her once more. He is through with Helen. But still Oenone says no for him leaving her the last time. And so Paris dies, and he is thrown into a funeral pyre. And Oenone walks to the edge of the woods and watches him burn. But in tears, she puts down a veil over her face, and runs and jumps holding hugging the body. as they burn together.

To me, that is more beautiful then Romeo and Juliet. Becuase its to teach, that even if you choose the one not for you, you will always go back to the one who truly loves you. And that seems to be what I see. I see Oenone, and Paris.

I say wait, and when he comes back, tell him that he must make the decision now. and that you are tired of waiting. you need an answer. And if he chooses you, then good. But if he chooses his wife. that's good. Because you dont want to be with a cheating man. You want to be with the man of your dreams.

Your happiness comes first. I wish you good luck. And I hoped I help.
-Dr.D

[ DrD's advice column | Ask DrD A Question
]



adviceman49 answered Saturday May 6 2017, 10:37 am:
This is going to hurt but the man is a player. He is never going to leave his wife. Why should he, he has the best of two worlds. Contrary to what he tells you he gets what he wants from his wife at home and you’re giving him what he wants when he is with you. Then of course if he really does divorce his wife he stands to lose at least half of whatever he has worked for.

If you know me at all you know my column at all you know I don't usually, in these situations, give straight out advice but lead them through questions that hopefully will allow them to come to the right decision.

I'm going to make an exception for you and tell you to walk away. The ending you want is not going to happen. If you push too hard for what you want he will walk away from you. He will probably never learn but at least you will have the satisfaction of telling and showing him he can't play with a woman’s affections like this.

As for finding Mr. Right I will give you the same advice I gave my son and now I am looking forward to his wedding to a very sweet young lady that has captured all our hearts.

You’re looking for, as he as, a perfect fit in an off the rack world. That is hard to do in the open dating world. I recommend you go on one of the dating sites like Match.Com. Fill out the profile and what you are looking for. I suggest you have a friend with you when you do this as we all tend to be too hard on ourselves and a friend will help you soften your profile.

Trust me there are plenty of fish in the sea and there is one out there who is looking for someone like you. You have given your heart to a player who will only break it.

[ adviceman49's advice column | Ask adviceman49 A Question
]

More Questions:

<<< Previous Question: What is his problem?
Next Question >>> How to tell my mom/boss I found another job?

Recent popular questions:
Want to give advice?

Click here to start your own advice column!

What happened here with my gamer friends?

All content on this page posted by members of advicenators.com is the responsibility those individual members. Other content © 2003-2014 advicenators.com. We do not promise accuracy, completeness, or usefulness of any advice and are not responsible for content.

Attention: NOTHING on this site may be reproduced in any fashion whatsoever without explicit consent (in writing) of the owner of said material, unless otherwise stated on the page where the content originated. Search engines are free to index and cache our content.
Users who post their account names or personal information in their questions have no expectation of privacy beyond that point for anything they disclose. Questions are otherwise considered anonymous to the general public.

[Valid RSS] eXTReMe Tracker