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I'm starting to feel like I can't breathe
I'm 25/f. I can't take my relationship with my family anymore, and I would like to leave the city, but I can't at the moment. Allow me to further explain. Since I can remember, my family has been overly controlling. Since I was about 5 years old, they told me where I was going to go to college... and it was in the same city. They let me know that it was unacceptable to go away for school. You would think that as I got older, the control would subside. But, it has only gotten worse. They tell me who to date, who I can't date, etc. I can't take this anymore.
I was living in the next county in an apartment that I really hated. I hated my job there and the place that I was living. So, I moved back to my county, but got an apartment. I didn't move back in with my family. They hated the apartment I moved into and this prompted them to fix my mom's old house and give it to me as a gift. Mind you... this wasn't solely done for me, but it was necessary because it would increase the value of the house. But, I thought that this was the answer to all my problems. I would be able to sleep at my house and my mom sleep in hers.
A couple of months ago, my great aunt sold her house and moved in with my mom. She was given my bedroom. So, for about a year before I originally moved, I didn't have my own bedroom!!! I had to sleep with my mom. In each of the apartments I had, I had 3 roomates. So, getting my own house felt like I was a queen. Until I actually moved in... and realized that this was just a trap to keep me under surveillance.
My grandmother basically told my mom that she had to stay over with me and sleep there... in my bed... in my room. And that I shouldn't stay there alone. When she doesn't stay, she comes knocking on my door at 7am. She dictates who can and cannot come over. She calls me insistently to tell me that I need to kick out guests. When my best friend of 10 years wanted to stay over because she was too tired to drive home... my mom made me kick her out of the house! This has gone above and beyond what's acceptable. When I told her that I wasn't going to listen to her and that my bff had to stay over or if not she was going to get into an accident... she said I was a lesbian and didn't want anything to do with me. Then, she came knocking on my door at 7am... banging on the doors to wake me up and kick us out of the house because she said a cleaning crew was coming.
I'm so extremely tired. This is not a way to live. I don't want this house anymore because it comes with strings. I told her and she basically told me off and said that they shouldn't have fixed the house for me. Maybe not... but they also shouldn't have given my room away without asking me first. Or just expect me with being ok with sleeping in the same bed as mom without an end in sight.
My family only perpetuates this unhealthy attachment with my mom. They tell me that I can't even put gas in my car without her coming. This family is absolutely dysfunctional and I'm just done. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to sleep in the same bed as my mom anymore. I don't want to have her accompany me to put gas. I don't want her telling me who I can and can't date. I don't want to have to report everything to her like if I was a child. I'm an adult with a full time job and a college degree. Last weekend, I got on a plane and went out of town. I never felt so happy and free in my life. Like I had to be looking over my shoulder. I literally feel stalked all the time. One day, I told her I was at the sprint store and I was literally across the street getting a sandwich. I was going to the sprint store... I just failed to tell her I was getting a sandwich. she literally texted me saying she drove by the sprint store and didn't see me inside. She expects me to tell her every move I make.
I've decided that I want to move away from this city so I don't have to feel that way anymore. But, the problem is that I'm currently in the process of getting my master's degree and I have a year left of school. I need to finish my degree so that I can find a good job to support myself in another city. I can't transfer because I'm already too far into the program and all I need is another year. But, I've realized that within that year, I can't continue living like this! It's effecting my school-work. It's effecting my job. My stomach feels sick all the time and I have to miss days. I need to move to an apartment where I can study and feel at rest.
But, I need help and advice. Staying in my house would mean saving more money. But, is it worth it if I am feeling physically ill and it's effecting all aspects of my life? Is it worth saving money if I can't be an independent adult. Are there any laws to protect me in this situation? At all?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Your Story is My Story. Move away. Immediately. Once you get some true happiness away from the toxicity, you will see that the degree and the money have NOTHING on your sanity. Schools and Master programs will always be there. There is no pressure to finish immediately. You can always go back to school, but happiness is something you have to really work at. Get out and survive. You wont regret it! Good Luck!
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First let me say this, you are an adult and have been since the moment you turned 18. The only person you are responsible for and to is yourself. Now it may be hard for you to understand but you are allowing your family to control you.
Understandably this is how you have been trained your entire life. To break their control takes an overrate action by you. Some of the things I will suggest will sound mean or down right awful for a child to do unto a parent, though if things are as bad as the seem your only recourse to breaking this cycle of abuse and their control may be to take the drastic action I will suggest.
Let's start with a place to live, someplace where they can't come knocking on your door. You say you are a Masters student. Have you spoken to the school about being a resident dorm counselor. Some schools offer a free room to graduates students who will be dorm counselors to undergraduates. If this is possible then entrance into the dorm is restricted to you and the students that live there. The other alternative is to live in a dorm as a graduate student if the school allows. This may be more expensive though once again your family can not Waltz in at their pleasure. Of course moving out and getting your own apartment is a partial solution.
Next on the list of things to do is to tell your family you will no longer stand for their controlling you. Since facing up to them in person could be hard and you may not get to say all that is needed to be said I suggest a letter as follows.
Dear Family,
This is to put you on notice that with receipt of this letter I will no longer allow myself to be controlled by any of you this includes my mother, grandmother and any other family member.
To date, since I became a legal adult, your controlling manner towards me has been extremely detrimental to my personal well being. I may have allowed this as this is how I have been treated since birth but it stops today.
It stops today because how you are treating me in many ways is criminal. As much as it would hurt me to do so if you continue to attempt to control me I will file criminal charges as well as take any and all legal action at my disposal to protect my personal well being.
Doing so is not something I would take lightly and would prefer not to have to resort to any type of legal action against any family member. TO protect yourself all you need to do is stop calling me, stop following me. Stop trying to pick my friends or tell me who I can or cannot date. As an adult I am free to see who I want when I want, go where I want and date who I want when I want. These are my rights living in a free country.
I love you all though I can no longer live like this. Do not take what I have written lightly. These are not empty threats. I will carry out what I have written. Do not interfere in my personal life.
Send the letter by registered mail to those family members you believe need to receive it. That way you know they have received it. It is then their responsibility to read all of it.
The alternative here is to have a lawyer send a similar letter. The difference between a lawyer's letter and your letter is the power of the courts behind a lawyers letter. You can seek advice from a legal aid lawyer on campus.
As I said in the beginning what I've written is hard to read and even harder to think about doing. After reading your message I can think of no other way to get the message across to your family that you are an adult and they need to butt out of your life. Anything less strong I believe will be ignored by them. There are times when tough love is called for and this appears to be one of them.
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I was in an abusive marriage before and swallowed my pride and began to ask every single person I worked with, friends, etc. if they had a room or space for me and take me in cus I am trying to escape a really bad living situation. If they ask tell them. I did this and no one local but friends out of state said I could come stay for free until I got on my own two feet, however long it took.
You may have to resort to the same. I know what you
re going through is stressful and what stress does, it has to go somewhere and its either emotionally or physically or both. So you can go insane but me, it affected my health with all sorts of illnesses that can be caused by stress, headaches, migraines, stomach ulcers, all over body rashes, high blood pressure. I suffered all. I am glad I left when I did. I know it will be hard to not associate with family anymore. If any have your phone number, change it and don't hand it out. Find people to stay with and maybe pay at least to help cover your use of hot water and meals. The reason they continue to harass you since you became an adult is because they believe you are too weak to stand up to them.
Hope all works out well for you.
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Well, if you actually own the home, you could call the cops on your trespassing family members. Actually, even if you don't technically own it, as the principal cohabitant, you could probably call the cops.
Not that I'm necessarily recommending that. That would be radical, but at least feel certain in this: Your mother is harassing you. Criminal level of harassment. You are not crazy, or wrong. What she is doing is insane, and it would drive anyone insane.
You might want to consider talking to the student services or counselors at your school. They may have recommendations or resources you haven't thought of.
Other than that, it really is up to you what you do next. I would think that loosing the money to have a safe space to live would be worth it, especially with the level of anxiety and stress you are describing here. BUt that is a choice you'll need to make for yourself.
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