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How to make friends?
It's my last year of high school and I regret one thing, I regret staying in my one group of friends (two people) and not branching out and befriending other people, I mean I've made many acquaintances but the relationship never becomes at least a friendship. Long story short the friends that I came into high school with aren't the friends I'm leaving high school with, one of the friends completely cut me off she was never really my friend I knew she was waiting for an opportunity to cut me out of her life and she finally did last year. The other friend is my friend but we only talk in school, last time we hung out in public was at her birthday last year. Now it's my last year and I feel like a total loser I have no social life, I'm always home and I barely have any friends. I know I should be greatful for the ones I have but how would you like it if you had friends and they always made you feel left out or the third wheel? It's like a cycle with me ever since elementary school I've always been that third friend to two best friends. Nobody has considered me they're best friend and if they have they have another friend who they'd call their sister, so it's like the "best friend" title is pointless. Like I've tried making different friends but like I said earlier the relationship never passes the acquaintance stage. Here's some background info on me I'm almost 17, female I am socially awkward and have socially anxiety people complain that I talk too quiet but I don't understand it's like when I'm around people I don't know too well I feel uncomfortable, my eyes feel like they're gonna cross and I start to stutter (I've never had a stutter before) also I don't have any guy friends, the ones that I do are from my elementary school so they don't really count. My school is basically a school where if you're attractive, people will approach you no matter what and everyone will know your name or want to be friends with you, if you're not attractive like me you're basically fighting to fit in, or at least get someone to talk to you. (but that's for another story) anyways please give me some tips on how to make friends and how to make my speech better because it wasn't this bad till I started high school, in elementary school boys made fun of me saying my voice was too deep (this was before they hit puberty) ever since then I stopped talking and now people complain that I'm monotone, soft-spoken and mumble. It's like I can never win
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I am continueing on what avatarthird said about it not being socially healthy to sit and wait for someone to befriend you. Heres more on that. Did you know that of 4 basic personality types, the most social approachable people make up about 85-90% of the populace and the others are loners who want to be left alone. If the world is filled with so many friendly personality types, then why aren't tons of them approaching you? Because they have the same fear as you of being the first to start a conversation or talk to someone. I used to have lots of social anxieties among other things and found a way to recover from it. Now, I am the person who approaches others first and starts conversations first. If you are truly sick and tired of social anxieties and would do anything to get over it, let me know and I will give you a trick that helped me. But you have to be willing to take the actions, no matter how scary they may be.
Humans are basically the same in social setting, the majority at least. We tend to want to approach the person who smiles more, will look you in the eye and is self confident because it feels that they would be more fun to know than the one who withdraws like a turtle into their shell. Would you want to work that hard to try to convince someone just like you to be your friend? How would you get them to talk to you or even look at you? And with a low self esteem, are they likely to want to even do anything or try something new with you? If you can't see yourself if confident, going after someone like you, then it stands to reason that the real problem lie within you, not in others not being friendly or actions of leaving you out, teasing your voice.
I got teasing in school for wearing glasses, and variations of my last name. Its something all kids do. And it is something all of us experience to some extent at some point. As a kid, I just crumbled if someone seemed to make a negative comment and took it personally and felt bad about myself. Now as an adult, when someone makes such a comment, I can tell the difference, if someones is mean-hearted and serious or its just a tease and their way to show me attention or to get my attention. What you are assuming is that students only approach those who are attractive. SO lets say theres 200 students in your school and you are the only one of 200 that no one approaches because you are ugly. I understand young people can be influenced by the media's views of what beauty is and if you look from the time of renaissance painters to today, you will see that an artists or media's perception of what beauty is has changed over the years. Beauty used to be 'big boned' it also used to be skinny as a bean pole, and also used to be women with rounded pouchy tummys and small breasts. So if it keeps changing, is there really one standard of beauty to seek after? Actually no...it is just an illusion in peoples minds. Everyone can have personal taste and tend to be attracted to certain looks, but as has been already mentioned, a friend based on just liking your looks is not a true friend who really cares about who you are on the inside. Now back to the school populace. Are you willing to tell me that the other 199 students in school are all good looking, handsome, beautiful and that you are the only one who isn't? How true is that? I am a petite skinny woman and i have seen men at a party go after the bigger boned, heavy set woman and pass me by. Does that mean I am not pretty? No...I am just not his personal taste. We have our favorites in colors, food, music and attributes in people just to name a few things and we don't have to like a certain food just cus most people like it. I don't like meat, thats my personal taste and choice. If you start to really look at and watchd the other students, you will find others who may not have model looks either. Are every single one of them without friends and thought of as ugly?
I am betting there are many much plainer to average looking kids at least to your perspective, who are popular and have many friends in their own social group.
Heres an exercise, you did mention a couple friends. Ask them why they are friends with you, what they like about you. Do they think that others in school are not your friend because of your voice, or because you look too plain, or cus you now stutter, etc. The reason you stutter is because you are so self conscious about your voice. You want tips on how to make friends? Well, to make a new friend, you have to be a friend. Are you friendly? Are you always smiling and complimenting others, do you go about your day, always happy and self confident and eager to listen to others and have fun conversations with them, willing to try some of their hobbies and share some of yours with them? Those are a few ideas, and there are more. You are plagued by self doubts and misconceptions about yourself, false beleifs and these will all hold you stuck, so you are unable to make new friends. these are the shackles that hold you chained up somewhere in your mind. So until you face those things that are holding you back and realize how false they are and replace negative thoughts with positive ones about yourself, you wont be ready to make friends and your anxieties will continue. So if you really want friends, I suggest first going to your local library and seeing if they can get in the book called "When Panic Attacks" by David D. Burns as it covers all the types of beliefs that keep us stuck in anxiety patterns with low self esteem. Hon, its not based on your looks or the sound of your voice. Yes, kids can be cruel and immature, but eventually they grow up and regret having been so immature or hurtful. But it is your choice to believe them or not. The acceptance of what you hear or the spin on it that your mind creates is what causes trouble, not the acts themselves. I'd like to talk to you more but I really think the book will help you begin to see that you;ve been your own worst enemy...i should know, cus I've been there before.
So get the book, or better yet, buy it, ordering it from any bookstore so you can write in the charts doing the exercises. If you feel the book is too overwhelming, you need to consider seeing a psychologist who is trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy and can help you work thru it so you are healed. ANd it need not take months or years of seeing someone. I was healed in a month by one of these methods long before I ran into the book. Most poeple once they realize it was their thoughts and perceptions that held them in bondage, they become instantly free. Good luck.
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High school friends are just that they rarely last past high school. I have made the following suggestion to others who have written back and thanked me as they have tried it and made new friends and entered relationships.
What you need to do is sit down with pan and paper and make a list of all the things you like to do. List everything no matter how relevant you may think it is, Reading, writing, cooking, hiking, camping, fishing, photography so on and so forth. If you are religious put on the list any religious activities you might be interested in.
once you have your list number them from one to the end. Then take your top 5 and look to see what organized clubs or activities there are for these interests and go to the meetings or outings. Continue down the list until you find two or three groups or however many you have time to join.
Looks or sex appeal are strictly for attrition. To have a relationship you have to go beyond the looks. The most beautiful person in the world can be an empty shell and be very popular but never have any real relationships. When two people have something in common the person behind the looks come out and that is the person you end up having relationships with; falling in love with, not just the person's looks.
I also tell people sex and sex appeal attract; though one day you wake up and find you have nothing to talk about and the relationship goes down the tubes. When you share mutual interests relationships grow as does the love. Sex is an outgrowth of love and when there is love the sex will always be there and grow with the love.
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Making friends is tough if you dont want to be like them and since you dont want to be you have not so much choice of people who you can share your time with. Take it from me i was the same and i am 20 and still have 3 best friends and also my family is the best friends i got for life. So i am suggesting if you cant find or cant attract for now wait and read this book : [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
And then Look at the key principles from the book here : [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
After you are patient and know the principles then TAKE ACTION and i Wish you to find the best friends you really deserve.
Good luck and TAKE ACTION!
Take care !
Nick
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We have the same situation of deep voice, and everyone was laughing at it, i just said to them that im just born with a deep voice meaning i have a solid and base voice that can be used for singing. Having a deep voice means you are already becoming an adult which is good.
In having people to like you, just use your good attitude like, ask how are they, and if they have a problem reach out to them if you think that you can help them, also see if they have the same talents of yours, Just be friendly.
Since i've been doing that all my life, i have made a lot of friends, since grade school until now at college and it's my first yr here in college.
Just be friendly and try to reach out to them and do anything you can to share stories and like that.
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Ok, just to make you feel better, before I met my bestfriend, no one would approach me. I could sense you're the kind of teen who always sits in the corner and mumble about how you don't have any friends, don't worry, everyone's like that once in a while. But after some time, you'll realize that it's not exactly socially healthy to just sit there and wait for someone to come and befriend you. Like you said, you're physically unattractive, so most people'll not try to befriend you. But trust me, a friendship that initiates through physical qualities are false friendships.
Here's what you should do. You're surely a fan of something right? Let me guess, you like books, or games, or something, so dwell on that. Having friends is not limited only to the people in your school. Decypher what you really want, if it's something popular, then surely there'll be a fandom, or a fanpage on facebook, join that group and you'll find the best kind of friends you could pick from the fruit tree. Who knows, you might find someone who's just around your area
Hope this helps ;)
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