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Not a Christian anymore-but nobody knows
Sorry about the lame title, but I don't know how else to word it. I had considered myself a Christian for most of my life until about two years ago. I don't put any particular label on my beliefs, but I'm leaning toward atheism. My family, who are all conservative Christians, have absolutely no idea. I don't want to ever tell them what I believe, because I wonder if this is just a "college-age phase" or something. It would hurt them so much, and I know without a doubt I would lose love from them. But let me get down to the real question...I am trying to find my first job, and my mother keeps telling me to apply for Lifeway, which is a Christian bookstore. Needless to say, I would be quite uncomfortable working there. How can I tell her that I'd rather not work there without revealing too much? Thank you.
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Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Spirituality?
Keep your mouth shut as much as humanly possible.
I come from a devout family. I'm agnostic, and definitions are really irrelevant for this question and really for you. Worry about definitions later, it's not really all that important. Atheists and agnostics don't really care which one you are, if you're trying to figure out a label for yourself. Christians don't care either. All they need to hear is "Doesn't believe in God"
To specifically answer your question, focus on the non God related parts. You don't want to work in a bookstore. Any bookstore. You'd rather work around food, or video games, or at Best Buy, or anywhere else with something that interests you. If she focuses on the God aspect like you should want to work there because it's a Christian focused business, just refocus on bookstore. Be whiny about it, pretend you're just a typical teenaged boy who wants something more interesting to look at at work than books, or who wants something more interesting to do than manning a cash register in a book store.
The answer to how not to reveal too much lies in two simple steps.
1) Always redirect away from religion. Find something objectionable that has nothing to do with God. It's pretty easy to do this.
2) Don't be defensive. You are giving a reason, not justifying your choice. "I don't like it because ______" doesn't require any further explanation. You're allowed to not like things. Feel free to be a little whiny about it. Be stubborn and annoyed, not uncomfortable and defensive.
And let me re-emphasize
KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
On the larger implications of your situation...
Some people never question. They go through life, they believe what they were taught, they live a life confident that the Religion they happened to be born into is the right one and everyone else with a different one is wrong.
Others question and recommit. These are the "phase" people. Religion likes to throw the phase thing around alot. It's not that questioning your beliefs is a "phase" that everyone goes through and it's not "normal" to recommit because you just find belief again.
Did you know that the older people get, the more likely they are to be conservative? People get set in their ways. They have to define something in their lives, and then they commit to it. And consequences become alot scarier because as you move into adulthood you've got more shit to do and less energy to get it all accomplished.
Teenagers have endless energy for drama. That's why raising them is hell for everyone, because you're facing someone who has an ego that hasn't been properly blunted by harsh life experience who has more energy to fight about it than you do.
Move into adulthood, and face an adult with a family who resents them (or would, if they knew) for a lack of belief, and people will recommit. Family doesn't have to be the reason, but it's a pretty common one. One of the unfortunate aspects of humanity is that if you really commit to believing something, eventually you will. Fake it till you make it can actually be a pretty effective tool for change.
The rest either never had belief (me) or lost it somewhere along the line. I tried to fake it till I make it, but I was never willing to commit to it. I wanted proof. I got lies instead. Everybody lies, but everybody especially lies about religion. Do you know what confirmation bias is? Go look it up on wikipedia. Then listen to people give Testimony about how God touched their lives. And be sad at how people purposefully and thoroughly reinterpret every event in their lives to be proof God exists. Survive a car crash? Grace of God. Get a promotion? God's plan. Get murdered, God is with you. Get the idea?
The bottom line here is that once you question, the only way back to where you used to be is to force it. To look in the mirror every day for the rest of your life and lie to yourself that you know God is real and can feel his presence or whatever.
Now we move on to exactly why you keep this from religious people as much as possible.
Put as simply as possible, religion trains people to otherise anyone who is not like them.
That doesn't sound so bad... what does "otherise" mean?
Dehumanize would be a similar word.
Dehumanize. v. 1) To remove positive human qualities.
What does dehumanization cause? You might have heard of the Holocaust? That was the dehumanization of the Jewish people by Hitler. Ok, yes, so I did just jump to a Holocaust example. But there's a very good reason for this, and it's not to imply that Christians want to murder every Athiest ever to exist.
It's the perspective that allowed that to happen that you need to understand. Jews were less than human. There were basic qualities that went into a decent person that Jews just didn't have from the Nazi viewpoint.
And that viewpoint is something many Christians share towards anyone who does not believe in their God. Muslims are otherised in America. Islam is something other. But at least they believe in God. Lots of people disagree about God, Christians can understand that at least a little.
Atheism scares the shit out of them. They fundamentally do not understand how someone can not believe there is any God. It's such an intrinsic and unquestioned "truth" in their lives that the thought of someone who thinks so differently from them that this person would question that which they would never question is frightening.
I've been told that without God there is no purpose in my life. I've been told that without God I cannot possibly be a good person because it is only God and the threat of hell that makes anyone be a good person, ever. There are Christians who would say that by talking to you in this frank and open manner I am an agent of Satan luring a vulnerable Christian away from the path of the Lord.
It's dehumanizing, disheartening, and honestly it's disturbing. It disturbs me the conclusions people can draw about others knowing nothing other than "you're different from me"
Even when they aren't actively afraid of you, they're sad for you. It's the most irritatingly condescending bullshit ever. "Oh how poor your life must be without God, you need to be saved!"
No, not really. I feel fine.
Can you tell I'm a little bitter? Sorry. Bad memories, lots of bad history.
Your best case is the sad for you reactions. Worst case is they become convinced you're possessed by demons and need a drug addict style family intervention and shun you if it doesn't work or something. And yes, that happens. More often than you think. It's just kept quiet within families, not exactly a church rallying event. No one wants to publicize the family's shameful atheist secret.
And there's a good chance that even if you do come around and convince yourself again, they'll never look at you quite the same. Maybe they'll be glad you found the light because they remember questioning and convincing themselves and can relate. Maybe they'll look at you like a ticking time bomb that doesn't need to spend too much time around younger family members so you don't lose your faith again and take a few of your cousins with you.
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This is a tough question. Is this a college thing? Possibly, I say this for this is possibly the first time you are really on your own to think for yourself without your parents telling you what to think or do. You like others your age coming from deeply religious families may have had enough religion in their lives and now have the opportunity to take a break from it without their parents knowing or forcing them to church.
Is this wrong, no. Does this make you an atheist, no. Do you still believe in a god? If the answer is yes then you a leaning towards being an agnostic. Are the religious values that have been taught to you still of value to you? If yes then you are still a Christian but maybe not a conservative or practicing one.
If going to church would not bother you when you are home visiting your parents then why is it necessary to tell them anything. You are an adult now entitled to your own ways and thoughts.
Will your parents be upset that you have fallen out of love with the church? They probably will and they will probably try to bring your back into the fold. Will they stop loving you?
As a parent and someone old enough to be your grandparent I can say with much certainty that I doubt this. There is very little a child can do that would cause a parent to stop loving their children. Loving and being upset or even angry are different emotions. Being upset or angry does not stop the love we have for our children.
My advice be who you feel you need to be so that you are comfortable with who you are. Is it absolutely necessary you tell your parents about this. No, not if it is going to hurt them. Not if you can when you're with them be the daughter they raised and do as they do.
Does this mean you're lying to them or yourself. Not really, what you're doing if you can be comfortable in doing, is keeping peace and appeasing your parents in the process. When you marry and have a family of your own you raise your children as you and your husband chose.
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I'm going to be completely honest with you. If this happened to me, I would just apply. However, I would apply in such a way that wouldn't get me the job. I wouldn't call the place about job possibilities (which I advise doing at other places if you don't already), I'd half-ass the job application and make it almost illegible, etc. This would stop your mom from seeing too much about your lack of faith and you probably won't get hired. If they call you about the job, which they probably wouldn't, you don't have to go to the interview.
I'm in a similar situation. My entire family is extremely religious (they do a group prayer at family gatherings, etc). I'm a very firm atheist, but I still have an appreciation for religion. Specifically, I remember what it was like to be a Christian and I have respect for it, so I don't go out of my way to avoid it. So, honestly, worse comes to worst, I'd probably even work at a Christian bookstore. I mean, the work wouldn't define me, it seems like a pleasant enough environment, and a job like this wouldn't be permanent.
It's about keeping civility and love in your relationships with your family. And who knows, maybe your mother would accept you. My mother is very religious, but I eventually came clean about everything. I did so because it can be quite lonely living in the atheist closet. I told her I don't believe in a heaven and hell and nothing changed between us. All she said was, "Oh. Well, I still do." I'm not saying that would happen to you, I don't know, but that did happen to me. No one else in my family knows and I'm keeping it that way because I don't think they would be as understanding, much like your situation.
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First your question, I'd follow what Zane said. If they ask, like what type of job thats more active? You can just say, I'll know it when I see it. Use one of their lines on them if you must, "I can sense that it isn't what God has planned for me"
That isn't a lie, it's true. God is helping you see how to think for yourself as far as beliefs and faith go. Parents will teach their children from what they believe is right. What kids learn from their parents doesn't make it automatically right for them. If kids learned from observing parents to become cigarette smokers, become racist, become criminals, drug dealers, alcoholics, etc...just because the parents did it, doesnt mean its right. There's lots of other stuff we pick up too, how to handle relationships, manners, etc...and the parents may have no clue themselves but they teach the best they know, thinking that as the elders they know better just from life experience. They may, but that doesnt guarantee that they really know everything.
Like Zane, I also had a belief change in life. However my parents weren't highly religious and both had passed on already before I made my big change from born again spirit filled Christian, to becoming a mix of Spiritual but not religious, with many aspects of the earth based religions or what the Christians would call pagan.But I still felt those awkward times where for one reason or another I had to pretend like nothing had changed and I will still Christian.
I felt God or that higher power, whatever you want to call it, telling me that not every soul is going to be at the same place spiritually and ready to hear certain truths, and each one will have a path they are on that is perfect for them. Its like expecting a kindergartener or 4th grader to be able to handle being taught a high school level course. They're just not going to get it. So it is with spiritual awakening. I've grown leaps and bounds since leaving the church. What I believe God was telling me then compared to what I hear now, seems almost contradictory to what I now know. I have questioned whether God was not being honest with me. The explanation was that He was training me using the limited words, and concepts I understood back then, using words that for me now don't exist in my beliefs anymore but they helped back then in my evolution. The fact may be that your family isn't ready as you are to think for yourself. And that is okay. I know you just want the same attitude in return from them.
I can't say that family will stop loving you over your change of faith. If they could do so, that would mean they never did love you, for their love is conditional and Jesus taught unconditional love. The biggest growth they may make this lifetime is to learn how to continue loving you even though you believe differently. Good luck
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Assuming you are over the age of 18, You are entitled to believe what you want. Sometimes in life, People figure things out and that often includes religion.
I grew up a hardcore catholic, From going to church on Sundays to Sunday school and saying prayers before bed. Once I hit my mid 20's I discovered that I am more on the Unitarian side then Catholic.
You don't need to tell your parents anything really, If you are not comfortable working at a bookstore then tell them that you don't feel it would be the job for you. You do not have to explain why. If they ask why then just simply say you are looking for something more active then a bookstore.
Religion is a personal thing and who you tell is entirely up too you. I do not practice the UU religion but if someone ask, I just simply say UU to make it more simple.
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