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I want to have a baby, but i dont?
I have never wanted children. My entire life I have never felt that urge to mother, but I've recently found myself thinking about it more often. My boyfriend does want children, and its something we have talked pretty seriously about. Just trying to see it from each others point of views.
I don't know if I want kids now because my boyfriend does, or if its something else. I'm 22 and I just recently got promoted at my job, and my boyfriend is 28 and just enrolled in his doctorate programs, on top of having a full time job. It just wouldn't be a smart thing to do right now. Idk what I'm asking, I guess its more of an "is it normal to all the sudden have these feelings?" Kind of question...please help
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Hey there!
I am a mom myself. I never pictured myself with a child, not once was a child something I ever thought about as a teen or young adult. So I can relate to the way your feeling in some ways.
Of course it's normal to have feelings like those. You are a woman after all. :P But there's nothing wrong with wondering what life would be like as a parent and maybe even desiring those bonds. Being a parent is like nothing else in the world. It's better than anything else in the world, even through the rough times.
As far as actually having a baby, timing isn't everything. I honestly believe that if everyone waited to have children until they were "ready" or financially stable, or had their degree, or had a bigger place or a better job, that few people would ever end up having children. (Perhaps that would be better for the Earth and its economy - but that's a discussion for another time.)
You never know what will happen in life. I feel like, it's a good idea to have hopes for a perfect timeline of events leading up to and involving a baby at some point. But it's unrealistic.
There will always be major pros and major cons to having a baby at any point in your life. It really just comes down to whether or not you and your spouse are ready to throw a baby into the mix that is your lives together and be responsible and loving parents on top of your other responsibilities.
More often than not, people don't plan children and they aren't ready for them and have a very hard time giving up things that are required of them to wake throughout the night for a newborn, to provide for a baby and to enrich a toddler and more.
More than finding the right time, since I believe there really is no "right" or "perfect" time, decide on whether or not the both of you actually want and are ready and prepared for a baby and to give up and change the things that make you happy and comfortable now.
You will still be happy and comfortable, don't get me wrong. But how you get to happy and comfortable will be very different with a baby than without one, lol. I would also consider marriage first. Whether you are religious or not, it's proven that being married before children puts you at a much higher rate of success in parenting and lowers your chance of divorce drastically as well. :)
Good luck and may God bless you!
xoxo
MissAshlee
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Hi ya,
Your headline has said in big letters NO dont have a baby yet. When you question whether to have a baby or not you know you shouldnt yet!
Im 23 I have 3 children and a stepdaughter.
Its hard work.. Your a year younger than me and you have so much time to think about having a baby.
It sounds like you two have everything going for you in this relationship right now and Il be honest a baby ,the pregnancy etc does put strain on a relationship as its a big life change.
Its definitely OK for you to get these maternal extincts and in fact its great that you feel this. Youl be a great mummy one day. :)
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I can think of a number of reasons why it would be normal for you to suddenly think of wanting to have a child especially if this relationship is headed for marriage.
When we are young we, some of us, put together a life plan. That life plan has certain goals we want to achieve in life. Is it possible that your life plan did not see marriage as a possibility or this early in your career?
It was also possible that while you may have had a good childhood you did not have a great childhood and felt it would be wrong to bring a child into this world based on your own childhood? Now in talking with your boyfriend your seeing the world through a different set of eyes. This would be a good thing as it means you are also open to new thinking.
Having a child does not have to upset your life plan just a slight alteration to it to allow for pregnancy and child birth. As well as the care you need to provide to your child. Today that responsibility is a 50/50 thing. Your boyfriend/father slash hopefully future husband, is just as responsible for child care as is the mother.
One piece of advice I will offer though is that with both of you having a full time job and him working on his doctorate as well. This may not be the time to be thinking about having a child. If marriage is in the future for you two that should come first as that is not and should not be a disruptive force in either of your lives right now. A child on the other hand no matter how good a baby the child may be is a disruption in the early years as they are totally dependent on their parents. Your boyfriend should finish his doctorate before you two plan on having children. At least that is what I advise.
Short answer to your question: I see nothing abnormal in having a change in feelings on this subject.
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I personally have not heard of a womans urge to have a child switching on because her boyfriend wants it. You and boyfriend are the age of my children so I hope you don't mind my asking what I would ask my own daughter if she was considering getting pregnant with a boyfriend. You are still young. Are you sure this relationship will last for ever or long enough for the child to grow up in a happy healthy stable family. In their 20's is when people are starting to get serious in relationships only to find that as time goes on, there is something about the other they just can't live with such as a daughter at 28 who has been married and divorced twice. Some are mature and totally know what they want out of life. At 20 when I married, I was mature but at same time totally naive and lacking life experience. I hadnt dated and this was the first guy. He was the wrong one but I hung out 30 years for the girls. You can still afford to give it time.
I will also say that I know of two young women, one my daughter thru 2nd marriage who at 21 knows she doesnt not want to have a child. If by chance she finds herself pregnant, she's already asked mom if mom will raise the kid so they have an agreement. The other was in her mid to late twenties was married and both knew they didnt want kids. So they both got tubes ties and made it final. It all depends on what the reason was for you not wanting children.
My young acquaintance admitted that she was too selfish and wanted the freedome to do what she wanted whenever she wanted without being tied down to feeding schedules, diaper changing and having to raise and train the child. She never regretted her decision. I also read an article of a young man who asked for prayer because he and wife couldnt get pregnant. There was no medical problem preventing that so they were puzzled. A wise counselor asked him about his childhood. He came from a large family with 10 or more children. He resented having to share and to help out with siblings and made a vow in his teens that he would never have kids. So strong was his convictions that his will affected their ability to have kids. Now older and wiser, he realized he did really want kids and asked God to help and that he is sorry he spoke such words long ago.
If you are truthful with yourself, you may have an easier time coming to some agreements with your guy about considering having a kid. Good luck
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