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My parents that adopted me.
Why would a family adopt me then when I'm out on my own(21 now) they just throw me away?
They never call or tell me that they care for me, once I was out the door when I turned 18, it was if they were done with me.
Our last conversation via text-
Me- Where are you at?
Mom- Home for a week
Me- Really nobody told me
Mom- I told you I would be home around September
(My thoughts- Why wouldn't she just call and tell me she was in town when she has been in town for ten days)
Me- You probably told my brothers you were in town.
Mom- No response
Me- I'll come by to get the rest of my things then you won't have to see me anymore
Mom- Suit yourself
Me- Why the hell did you even adopt me?
Mom- No response
Me- To ruin my life?
Me- You're just a wicked woman that claims to be a saint
Me- I read your journal where you said it's so much better when I'm not around so you should be really happy now
Me- Now you got nothing to say. Why don't you tell me you hate me and so does the whole family atleast you can be an honest person then. The only one that ever cared about me was granddaddy and he's gone now
Me- You're so blessed you can't even give anyone else a blessing. God gave you a family. Well guess what I got none.
Me- So be happy and sit on your pedistool and tell me how you hate me and tell me how there's always something wrong with me like you use to nag all the time. You say you don't gossip and put yourself above everyone but you're just a liar because you do gossip.
Me- So go tell the family like you always do and so that they can hate me. You have always been good at turning everyone against me.
Mom- There's no answer to satisfy a raging woman. I have your things in the living room when you want to stop by.
Me- You're so wrong. A raging woman? You can't even say a daughter or ever tell me that you love me. No wonder you don't ever call. You're such a saint. (She thinks she's a christian that does everything right)
Ugh. I know my tone here sounds a little wrong but I am enraged. I'm angry at her for never calling or caring about me. For gossiping to the family about my faults. For never being there to stand for me or help me. I have made mistakes in the past but so does everyone else. No one in the family wanted her to adopt me and now they got their wish. I'm gone and they think it's alright to treat me like this - someone that has no other family. They all threw me away. There's nothing to do to make this better. They're not going to change. Now what? How do people live without a family? Or anyone that cares about them? I never get any phone calls. Nobody there to support me or help me make the right decisions. Nobody there that gives a damn. Should I just kill myself? What the hell am I going to do? I have nothing.
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Okay, bear with me because you might not like what I'm about to say. I am speaking from a similar pesrpective, though, so keep that in mind.
I don't think your parents are abandoning you. I think there's just a disconnect between how you function and how your mother functions. I say this because your conversation (and question) sound a lot like me when I'm dealing with my own mother. She's not a very demonstrative person, and it's caused a lot of heartache in the past.
I can probably count on one hand the number of times she has hugged me in the last 10 years. I can't remember the last time she told me that she loved me. I only talk on the phone with her for practical reasons, like if I'm coming to visit. I know almost nothing about her personal life. When I get upset with her, she backs right off and doesn't really say anything at all. Sound familiar? The thing is, I do love her and she loves me back. We just have different ways of showing it.
Keep in mind that you are an adult, and that your relationship with your parents is going to change as you seek your own life outside of that core family. You will be dating, making friends, getting a job and generally moving on with life. It's totally normal for parents to back off as their children find their own feet, and it's actually pretty unhealthy (and causes a lot more conflicts!) when they refuse to do so.
Think of that last argument from her perspective. You're texting her, she lets you know a minor thing about her personal life, you blow up and declare that she's an awful parent and a terrible person, then get mad and end the conversation in a huff. Not very fair, is it? Would you want to talk lovingly to someone who's making those kinds of accusations against you?
If you want a good relationship with your mother, you have to accept that she's a different sort of person. You can't change other peoples' behaviour, but you can change your own. Try to stop depending on your mother for the demonstrative affection you're looking for. The great thing about friends and significant others is that you choose them based on your compatibility with them. You had no say in who your mother was, right? So surround yourself with people who make you happy, and who you make happy. They're really going to be your new family as you move on into adulthood.
I found that my relationship with my mother got a lot better when I distanced myself a bit. I think of her more as a mentor and friend rather than a parent. And you know what? She's great at both of those things. She can't cuddle me and make me feel better when I'm sad, but boy can she ever give me career advice. She's lousy at helping with relationship problems, but she's got a wicked sense of humour and I enjoy spending time with her. Find what you like about your mother and embrace those qualities rather than focusing on her flaws.
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People do things for many different reasons. Why your parents adopted you is a question only they can answer as is the question as to why it seems they have abandoned you. Committing suicide is not what you should do about it. That's only hurting yourself.
What you need to do is get on with your life. You need to be the best you, you can be. Your 21 and have a whole life in front of you. If you do not have a college degree you get one. You may have to work harder to get one then someone that has the support of their family but this makes it all than more valuable.
You find a career that you love and get good at it. You make a place for yourself in that career field. You make a life for yourself. Along the way if it is in your life plan you find a good man and have a family. A family you love and raise on values you want them to have.
The family that has abandoned you will miss all of your success. The grandchildren you bring into the world and the good life you make for yourself. Don't be surprised if they do not try to make their way back into your life at that time. Then you need to decide if you want to take them back.
I have been doing this for a long time and I am old enough to be a grandfather. I can tell from your writing, yes even though your are upset, that you are better than they give you credit for. Now that you realize where you stand with your adopted family. It is as I said time to go out and be the best you, you can be. In the process you will prove them wrong about you.
Just remember what I am about to say. You are never truly alone. There are people who do care, like those of us on this web site. We care and we will always be here if you need us.
I have a motto I have used during my working life. Now that I am retired I still try to keep to it. "A day that I do not learn something new is a day that I have wasted." What this means is that there is always something new to learn. Be it about yourself, your work, life or just things in general. As long as you are learning you are growing. When you stop learning and growing is when you start to be alone.
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Don't kill yourself. There's actually a lot of hope for your situation. Did you notice that in the conversation that you included with your question that you were doing most of the talking? How can you know that your parents don't care about you if you don't let them tell you so? I don't feel like telling someone that I care about them if they are attacking me. I don't feel like saying sorry if someone is attacking me even if I am sorry. I'm not saying that they haven't made mistakes, but you've made mistakes too, you said so yourself. You have to understand that they're human too. Did you notice that in the conversation that you included with your question that you almost immediately went on the attack? "Me- You probably told my brothers you were in town." As soon as you said that, what was your mom supposed to say? She didn't say that she told them. She didn't say anything at all because you were attacking her. Maybe she deserves it. I have no idea. The thing is though, that if you want better results and a better relationship with her, you have to try a different strategy. What you're doing now isn't working. You can't control other people or change their behavior. You can only control your actions and you'd be surprised how a small change in how you are approaching the situation may bring a positive reaction and eventually a positive relationship with them. It seems as if you're a little bitter about being adopted and maybe jealous of your siblings who have a biological connection to your parents. That pain that you feel is affecting the way that you communicate with your parents. That can't change and it's not their fault, try healing that within yourself. There is only so much that they can do. Yeah they're your parents, but that doesn't mean that you can't hurt their feelings. Being in their family, it's easier for you to hurt their feelings than most other people. You're not a child anymore. Try to be a little nicer even if they don't deserve it and see if it helps. Talk to them about the pain you feel and the problems you have without becoming confrontational and pointing out mistakes they may have made or ways that they may have wronged you. The relationship you have with them seems really strained, but a relationship comes from two sides. Change up your side and maybe they'll change up theirs. It's worth a try, right? You can have a good relationship with them, your conversation wasn't that bad. It's not like your mom started attacking you back when you began to attack her. That's an amazing sign. It shows that she's in pain about this too. Try to work this out and try to work yourself out. You'll really be surprised at the results that may come from a positive approach, even if they don't deserve it. You deserve a good relationship with them and if this is the way to get there then you owe it to yourself to give it a try. Good luck!!
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I can't speak for your relationship in general, because there's no way I would know. But judging from this text conversation, she does at least care about you. You aren't nothing to her. I'll give you a list of reasons for thinking so:
1. You are the one who antagonized her in the text conversation. She worded some things horribly, but I don't see any ill feelings towards you in it at all.
2. Text conversations are completely without emotion or emphasis or anything. It's just text. It's hard to tell how someone feels with texts.
3. You provoked her to come out and say just how she feels about you. You seemed to want blunt honesty and she responded saying there's no response that would calm you down while you're this angry. If she didn't care for you, she would simply say so and end it there. So in that, she responded with your feelings in mind and so she cares for you.
4. When people move out, they grow distant. You look at her and all you can see is that she doesn't contact you to reassure you of her love or anything else. I've seen this happen to someone close and she struggled with the same notion that her parents don't and never did care. But when she started dating the boyfriend she moved in with, her mother threatened him if he ever hurt her. You don't do that to someone you don't care about. So if a parent is so absorbed with their own life that they don't contact their children after they move out, that doesn't necessarily mean they don't care.
All I'm saying is maybe she does care. I've seen no evidence to the contrary. I in no way condone anything you say she does. That sucks, but doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't care.
And no, you shouldn't kill yourself. What you should do is look forward and concentrate on where your life is going, not where it came from.
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