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I won't say that I'll always have the right advice...or that I always know the answer.

I don't.

But I will say that I've traveled to some dark places in my nearly 18 years of living, and that when someone is going through something hard...they should never feel like they have to be alone.

If you want to go it alone, fine. But when it really starts to hurt, let someone in. Even if its someone on this site that you don't know. Sometimes strangers are easier to talk to than a friend or parent...

Just be safe, and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself...

I'll always listen.

advice

Hey my name is Rachel and iam 17 years old and my ex best friend is being a total bitch right now.I thought I could trust her with one of my deep dark secrets that i've never told anyone not even my mom and now it's going around school and everyone is finding out that my dad molested me when I was 6 and now she's calling me a 6 year old pervert and the other day she called me a bitch,slut,and a whore.I thought i could trust her since we've been best friends since the 5th grade and we are both in the 11th grade.I've been there for her for everything that's happened to her in her life like the time she got pregnant at 14 years old i was there for her.I even asked my parents if she could move in with us for a couple of months untill she got her own place and now i can't even trust her with a secret like this that was why i didn't tell anyone i just needed somebody to talk to about it and now i don't have anybody i can trust what should I do?

This is tough...

Its hard to put your trust in someone and then have them throw that trust back in your face. It makes you feel like you cannot trust anyone, which isn't true. She's hurt you, this friend, and you have every right to feel hurt and angry, etc.

Do you have someone to go to at school, I mean like a counselor or school psych? It may sound weird, but my school psych is one of my closest friends. The reason for this is because I've spent a few years battling my own demons, and she made the fight a little more bareable. This is a difficult time you are going through here, and the best thing (and about the only thing)you can do, short of changing schools, is let it all pass.

It will pass, it will just take some time...when people come up to you and try to provoke you, just ignore them. Don't get mad, don't get upset, because that's what they want. Don't give that to them. Don't let them hurt you, because once they see how unffected you are, and how you don't care (even though you really do) they'll stop.

As for you your friend, forget her. Feel the hurt, experience the pain for a few minutes and then let it go. Its over, its done with. My grandpa once told me that "You can't worry about things that you have no control over." Its easier said than done, but its true. Forget your friend, and dont even refer to her that way anymore, because in order to do such a terrible thng, she was never your friend to begin with...

Luv,
--Star


(Wanna talk more? E-mail me at cardenb@countryday.net!)

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As much as i love my best freind, kate, i cant help think shes trying to leave me out of groups,For example: one day kate got together with one of my other close freinds Lexy, and then next day in school they were bragging about what a great time they had, without me, and they had all these inside jokes and whatnot. Also kate is into shows that i dont watch, and a good percent of my freinds watch the same shows as her and so in school shell keep bringing up the episodes (which i dont care) but then when i try to change the subject, kate will ignore me and keep going. This may not seem like your typical problem and i know its studpid to get mad about, but its been going on for quite some time, and quite frankly, im sick of it. I need advice badly!
-jan

This is a tough one, Jan. In my opinion, she may be completely oblivious to the fact that she's hurting you, then again, she could be sending you those signals in hope that you take the hint. (That she doesn't really want to be around you)

Regardless, take her aside sometime, like after school and speak with her. Do this face to face so that she's more inclined to be honest with you. It's important not to go into a conversation like this feeling bad or angry, instead take some time before going into it and gather your thoughts.

Tell her how you feel, give her an example of how you feel like she's excluding you. It's important in a situation like this to use more "I" statements than "You" statements, because then you'll sound less accusatory. Don't accuse her of excluding you, just tell her about how you've been feeling recently and go from there.

If she is your friend, she'll listen and hopefully you guys can find some common ground...

I hope this helps...

(Wanna talk more? Please e-mail me at cardenb@countryday.net)

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Hey Advicenators =D
A lot of time has passed, and I feel that I have become a socially awkward person. I have trouble trusting people like I did before, or having a deep, and productive conversation with someone for more than 10 minutes... It hurts me because I feel like I'm growing more distant from those closest to me, my friends and even my family. I don't know why, but I feel that this sort of "anti-socialism" stems from prior experiences where I've trusted some people, only to be taken advantage of later. Is there anything I can do to help my situation?

Thanks a million ♥

I don't think what you're going through neccessarily sounds like depression...however, this could be a subconscious way for your mind to keep you from getting hurt again, and to avoid any unneccessary pain.

While in your mind this method may seem ideal, it will only hurt more in the long run, and that I can guarantee.

My suggestion is to take 30 minutes to an hour and write a quick list of those who hurt you, just the names and maybe a note or two about them and then flip to the next page. On the next page list everyone whom you know deeply cares for you and would never hurt you on purpose. Then, put the notebook away...

What you are essentially doing there is "boxing" those memories, not forgetting them, just filing them away in a place where they cannot clog your mind but still be easily accessed. And each time something happens and someone has truly hurt you, take out the notebook and pencil their name...and then flip to the section with everyone who cares about you (Hell, someone like your mom or your best friend could easily end up on both lists!) and just glance over it to remind yourself about all those who care about you.

And once you've done that here comes the harder and even cheesier part, Forgive them. You don't neccessarily have to tell them or even be friends again, but you'll feel better if you can find it within yourself to forgive them and move on.

Try to understand that everyone doesn't always do the right thing, and that sometimes when they make a mistake and end up hurting...its not because they don't care, but because it was a mistake...

I hope this helps...

--Star


(If you wanna talk more, please e-mail me at cardenb@countryday.net)

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well i just made a new set of friends at the end of last year. and then one of my friends started being friends with them over the summer. the 4 of us are kinda a group. the 2 new friends and my friend are now really close and they all kind of just ignore me now and don't bother to talk to me, although i'm with them a lot. i feel if they could choose, they would choose not to be my friend.

what can i do to make myself not feel this way? or
what can i do to make them want to be my friend.. if they don't?

If you're feeling left out, it's probably for a reason. Sit down one day and examine your feelings. Grab a piece of paper and quickly jot down a couple of feelings or reasons, or even some examples of when some action made you feel invisible or left out.

As crazy as it sounds, they might not even realize that they're doing it.

But bringing your feelings to their attention may change everything, and it may not. Perhaps sit them down all at once and tell them how you feel, and give them examples of when and why you felt the way you do.

If they really care, they'll do their best to remedy the situation. If not, then as hard as it is, seperate yourself and find some new friends.


(Hope this helps! Wanna talk more? Feel free to contact me at cardenb@countryday.net)

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