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The people that know me think that I'm a nice person, but people who don't, think that I'm stuck up and a goody-goody. It's as if getting good grades is a crime! They assume that I can't have a good time, which is really not true. People won't really come up and speak to me (especially boys) because of this. The problem is, that none of my friends can tell me what it is that makes me appear stuck up at a first glance. How can I appear to be a more friendly and approachable person?

The more answers, the better!

(oh, I'm not really worried about the boys. I have a boyfriend. it's just a detail.)

Not Stuck-up,

Well look at this situation as an opportunity to look within and really figure out if you are truly representing your self correctly to others. Sometimes, we may appear to be cold or stand-offish because we don't fully engage with other people. Are you allowing yourself to be open with people you don't know that well? Smiling at others is a great way to let others know you are carefree and fun to be with. But most importantly, you need to be who "YOU" truly are. Not everyone is going to like you...if they did...that would be an issue. Maybe make a list of qualities you like about yourself...not including looks and items...more like personality traits, then go through each thing you listed and ask yourself...do I honestly portray that to strangers? If no...then become more mindful with how you are with others.

After the research you do on yourself...if you truly feel you are 100% portraying your "true" self, then be happy with that discovery too. There isn't anything wrong with being who YOU are. Be authentic, don’t make yourself into what others want you to be. If they have a problem with it, then that is an opportunity for them to discover the truth about themselves.

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My best friend is so gorgeous she can get any guy she wants. But she always says how ugly she is. I can't help but get jelous. How can I stop from being jelous or at least hide it better? I'll rate.

Getting Everything,

I know that this issue can be frustrating. Firstly, your friend may only be verbalizing about her looks only to get attention or maybe she is afraid that you are jealous. Either way, if you are feeding her compliments...please stop...you are only feeding an unhealthy cycle. Just change the topic and focus on something positive. Secondly, it may help to recognize the difference between Jealousy and Envy. Jealousy is when desire things that another person has...and create a negative thoughts and feelings for that person. Envy, is wanting what the other person has, but not necessarily having negative thoughts for that person because you want them to be happy too. If you find yourself being truly jealous of your friend, you really need to make the choice to change your negative thoughts about her...it is not healthy for your relationship. If you are good friends...your friendship is more important than looks and getting guys. If she is truly a friend for you, you should be happy that she has what she wants. If you're just envious...then maybe figure out what you like about her and the things you want to be more like and learn from her. Friends are meant to learn from each other. If you keep your attitude positive, it will show in your own personality. Nobody likes a jealous person...and guys can see it a mile away. You may even find that there are some things she is envious about with you. Allow your good qualities to shine...there is a guy out there that will appreciate your authenticity.

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14/f
well, theres this girl and shes suposeed to be my "bestfriend." but shes everything but that. she lies to me all the time, she strives to be the center of attention, she tries to get in the way of me and my boyfriend. Also she embaresses me infront of all my friends/boyfriend and always leaves me out of plans. But shes always like omg i love you!! bestfriendsforever! but its all bs. but if i try to confront her with it, she turned all my friends againest me for two weeks! i dont know what to do anymore. i dont have any other friends besides that group of friends, and i cant take it. please help me!

14/f,

The best thing you can do is except who she is and understand that you can't change her. You don't have to be her best friend and you don't have to trust her either. In fact, it seems that you are fully aware of how she is...so use the wisdom of what you know about her and know your boundaries on how much you can trust her. I wouldn't waste my time trying to confront her, especially if you know she doesn't really care. Focus your attention on the friends that really are good to you and don't waste your efforts with those who don't respect you.

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I don't want this to be long or panic-y, but I need some advice. My friend and I are 13. There is a 17-year old across the street who is 17 and a juvi. My parents think he is 18, but really isn't. We played basketball with let's call him C, and we got his number. We hung out with him and we lied about out ages and we said we were 15 and 16. We lied about where we go to school and everything, and now we're hanging out with him. I've been lying to my parents about where we going and everything, but here is the main problem. I'm going into 8th grade this fall, and getting on the bus (right in front of my house!) in the morning is no big, but when the bus drops us off, it's 3:50pm. Big problem, because C smokes, and has to go outside and smokes. What if he sees us? I really hate to lie to everyone around me, and the lies keep getting bigger. Should I be honest with C? My friend and I have been flirting big time with him, and that will ruin out friendship. And, the other problem, even though C is moving is September, I'll have started school, and his brothers go to my new school! What should I do as an overall result? Thanks so much!

Lies,

Well you are experiencing the direct result of lies. Look at this as an opportunity to learn the lesson about lies. I want to suggest to you to stop the chain of problems and start being honest of who you are and what you want. Besides the fact that being dishonest is actually not honorable to the person you are lying to...you are also being dishonorable to yourself most of all. You are creating more problems in your life due to the lies you are telling. You deserve better than what you are setting yourself up for. Think about it this way...you are compromising your integrity for someone else and the bottom line...you should never do that for anyone. If someone can't like you for who you really are, then they are not worth the time. In the long run, being honesty about who you are will set you up for more success and happiness in your life. Don’t beat yourself up over this issue, just start making the right choices for yourself. Choose the option that honors who your really are and be honest.

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I just found out that my best friend's dad passed away today. I knew that he had some kind of cancer and she'd been visiting him in the hospital for some time now, I also know that she did NOT get along with him. I never met him because he lived in SC and her and her mom lived in NC. (they weren't divorced, it's actually kind of confusing) Anyway, I'm just not too sure what to say to her. We've been friends longer than I can remember and I know this must be tough for her. I've had some friends pass away, but the only family I've had pass away was my great grandmother and my sister- I was young when my great grandmother passed away and I wasn't even born yet when my sister passed away, so I don't know everything she's going through.

I was just wondering if anyone here lost a parent and what others said to you that was comforting.

I plan on telling here that I'm here for her no matter where I am or what time it is, and I will be there, but somehow that just doesn't seem like enough... I don't know, I'm just looking for some advice on what I can say and what would be comforting. Thanks in advance.

Best friend’s father,

Trust your intuition, it will guide in the right direction. It may not seem like enough, but in reality...it is. Sometimes our head gets in the way and wants to fix a problem for someone we care about, but the best way you can honor your friend is listening without judgment and allowing her to filter through her emotions. If her relationship with her father was not very happy, she will need to sort through her feelings and this can be a very healing journey for her. Having a friend to listen is the best gift of all. Allow your heart to guide you. She is very blessed to have a great friend that cares enough to help her through this difficult time.

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Hi sedona,
i first just want to let you know that i browsed several columnists and yours was the most helpful looking and I really liked your answers to the other questions... so keep up the amazing work! :D
but onto my problem. i'm a 14 female, and my best friend (also female) told me yesterday that she loves me. not like ah i love you! but her exact words were "i have somethng really, really hard to tell you and I understand if you don't want to hang out with me after this. i like you. its more than that. i LOVE you. i've been trying to push it down for a while because you're not a guy, but i can't help that you're the most amazing person i've ever met." i don't know what to do. because i don't think differently of her and of course i still want to be her best friend which i told her... and i'm very open minded about sexual orientation... but i'm not in love with her. i love her, but just in the sense that she's changed my life and i couldn't live without her. not in a romantic way. i'm not sure what to do now, especially because (and here's where it gets confusing) i don't think she's really bisexual or lesbian or whatever... i know that makes no sense but you know how some people say sexual orientatoin is a spectrum and some people are totally straight or totally gay and anywhere in between? well, i don't think she lays very high on the spectrum.. and yet she likes me... but, well, i'm just very confused. anything i could say or do about this would be a HUGE help. thanks so much.

Best Friend Love,

This is a tough issue. Problem you are facing is: you want to remain honest and also honor your friendship. I sense that you are very wise in understanding the whole gay and lesbian perspective. I have found that all too often people get caught up in the labeling instead of their truth. Love does not have gender barriers.

I think when handling this situation, it might help to look at gender not being an issue for just the moment. Look at it as a friend fell in love with a friend. If this was a guy friend how would you handle it? Granted that situation can be a bit sticky too, but not having the complication of the same gender makes it a little easier. I would suggest you communicate to her that you respect her for being honest and open and in turn you want to do the same in being honest and open about your feelings. If this is a friendship you want to continue, it is important that she knows that you have made no judgments concerning the way she feels. Sometimes, as with any friendship with male or female, when this issue happens, it can change the whole level of friendship. Know that this is out of your control...if you communicate to her while you are honoring you and her...it is up to her to deal with what Life is offering her. You can be supportive if she needs further understanding. There could be a hundred reasons why she has fallen in love with you and that's not even including the sexual orientation. She may be at a pivotal time in her life where she may want to start exploring other options, if that is the case...this opportunity may help her on her journey of self discovery. Love has so many layers...it is not possible at a young age to fully understand all those layers...you have to experience them first. Heck, most of us as adults don't know all the layers...but through losing and experience a love...we start to get a better picture. This may be a growing moment for you both. She allowed herself to be vulnerable to you, just speak with honesty and love (on a caring level) and if she feels hurt or confused you might want to suggest someone for her to talk to. Just make sure you realize that you are NOT responsible for her feelings or her actions. You are responsible for yours. Your friendship may change…but if your friendship is meant to stand the test of time...you might be even better friends because you both could honor and respect one another under a uncomfortable circumstance.

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I'm a white female in my 40s, have been married for 13 years. I have two childred from a previous marriage, and one with my husband now. I have several close friends of both sexes, and all races and ethnic backgrounds. My husband and I have a very trusting relationship without jelousy. I can talk to my male friends on the phone, meet them for lunch, a walk in the park, or go fishing with or without my husband. My husband treats all my friends with respect, as I do his. They are all good people in his book.

One particular hispanic male friend of mine got married a year after I did. I consider us great friends, we have a lot in common. However, his wife is a big pain...she would not approve of our friendship, I have tried to include both my friend and his wife in plans with my husband and myself, but he refuses to ask her due to how she acts. I don't want to create problems. He calls me all the time (from work) but because of her I have considered calling of the friendship. I don't want to be stalked by a crazy jealous woman, and to to tell you the truth from things he has told me I am quite intimidated.

He means so much to me, and our bond is like brother-sister, but I honestly want him to be open and relaxed with our friendship. I don't want to hide from her.

So my choices are to ignore him, and tell him it's for his own good. Or to continue being friends behind her back. He says he knows he is not doing anything wrong, and wants to continue the friendship, but I am worried because of her. Any advice for me?

Married friends,

I know that this situation is bringing a lot of stress into your life. I want to offer another perspective that might help. Your friend needs to do the honorable thing and stand up for what is important to him. He chose his wife and so he is responsible for the outcome of whatever he does concerning her. Unfortunately, his lack of courage to communicate his needs are spilling on to you...now in turn you have un-needed stress that shouldn’t even be about you. His wife’s anger may be even more inflamed because of his dishonesty and therefore when people don’t rationally put things in check…they want to blame. So you in a sense are a scapegoat for their deficiencies in their marriage. I think it would be wise to set boundaries with your friend…give him a chance to do what your heart knows is the right thing to do. Don’t let fear guide your decisions…trust your intuition and you will respect and honor yourself. If he can’t step up to the plate to fix the problems he is having in the marriage, then maybe your friendship should be at a rest for awhile…sometimes when there are problems in a person’s life…they will look for distractions instead of fixing the problem. I know from a personal level…you don’t want to be the distraction…because eventually you become the problem even though technically you never did anything wrong. Sometimes a storm needs to occur to get the rainbow…if he is just playing hide and seek to avoid the problem with his wife…I can guarantee…the problem will keep arising, maybe in other forms…but it will be there…I would hate to see you get caught up in the drama. Life may be wanting to teach him something and sometimes you have to step out of the way and support him on the right thing. I am not saying to quit the friendship…I am saying to clearly communicate your boundaries that will best honor all that encompasses you. If you give him some time…that may be the best thing a friend can do…he can finally figure out what is truly important to him and he can fix the fire at home.

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somebody spread a rumors that im bi please help what should i do? i was just playing around my friends all the time and i dont know why some people spread the rumors about im biosexual 100% straight!! help

Well unfortunately with rumors you don't have much control of them...but the good thing is they usually fizzle out with some time...unless you happen to keep validating the rumors. I suggest you be a bit more mindful of how you might be portraying yourself. What might seem like a joke to you, can be perceived differently to others. Sexuality is controversial in itself in most areas. It is possible that with your joking, it might have made someone else feel uncomfortable and thus is how the rumor began. I am not saying in any way that they are right in doing what they do...but those are the rules of social interaction. Sometimes we have to adjust our behavior...luckily with rumors...there is always a learning curve.

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