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my mom has a friend and her daughter erased my game on my gameboy and I almost beat the game
how can I confront her? (link)
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Was it an accident, or did she mean to? If she did it by accident, "confronting" her might be a little harsh. Also, it makes a difference how old she is.
If she's around your age, or at least old enough to understand what she did wrong, then I think you should just tell her what happened next time you see her, or next time you're playing with the gameboy, and ask her to please be more careful.
If she's a little kid, then say the same thing, but to both her and her mother. Don't accuse her, or try to upset her, but just make it clear that this is something that matters to you. She may be too young to be playing with the gameboy anyway, and if so, you should just keep it out of sight when she comes over.
If the kid did it on purpose just to be bratty, then no matter how old she is, I would simply not let her play with it anymore. If she apologizes, fine, but you should protect your possessions from destructive people. On the other hand, this honestly isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, so I would avoid making a huge stink about it -- you'll just look petty.
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I'm a 15 year old girl. I'm responsible and respectful. I don't drink, smoke, have sex, do drugs, or anything of the sort. I haven't had a boyfriend in almost 4 years and have no interest in having one, I get exceptional grades, and I'm extremely focused on my schoolwork and acting career. The problem is with my father. This past winter, I met a guy in my drama class. I'm a freshman and he's a senior, I'm white and he's black. We have no interest in a relationship, but we are very good friends. I have alot of guy friends, and this was no different. I'm friends with this guy because I can relate to him. We both struggle with depression, have a love of acting, and we just get along great. He gets good grades and has a future. He's respectful to authority and gets along with everyone. We started talking on the phone. It was just general stuff-cooking, acting, music, that kind of thing. My father is kind of racist, which is stupid, i know. He thinks that a person shouldn't associate with a black person outside of work or school. He's being a hypocrite, since I know that he's had plenty of african-american friends. Anyways, my father (whom I have no respect for for several reasons and who doesn't live with me and hasn't since before i was in kindergarten) found out and now I'm not allowed to talk to any guys on the phone whatsoever unless its my boss or a male relative. He said he'd reconsider when I'm 16, but he's already said that he probably won't allow it until I'm 18. This is ridiculous-I've already told 3 guys this year that I wouldn't go out with them, and I dont want a boyfriend at all. I'm a responsible teenager and I simply want a little freedom. I never go anywhere with my friends, and I've never done anything to make them not trust me. My father gets mad if I say anything about my friends, or anything at all besides my grades and schoolwork.He constantly puts me down about my grades and schoolwork and makes fun of me, but i'm required to call him once a week and endure the rude remarks. I just want to be able to talk to my guy friends on the phone, and i think this is extremely unfair. He won't listen to my point of view at all. How can I get him to see things my way? (link)
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My first reaction: your father doesn't live with you, and you only talk to him once a week. How is he even going to *know* whom you talk to on the phone? I would start by conferring with your mother, or whoever it is you actually live with, and seeing if *anyone* is *ever* going to enforce a rule that's this unreasonable.
If there's something about this situation that I'm missing -- that is, if your dad does have any measure of control over your phone calls, or anything else in your life -- then there may still be a couple of things you could try.
I don't get the sense that your dad is a real big fan of reasoned discourse, but you could always try to get him to explain to you what exactly is behind these rules. Point out (calmly) that you've always been responsible and obedient before, but that now you're old enough, you'd like to comprehend the rationale. Maybe hearing him try to justify himself will provide you with some clues about how to get around his objections. For example, if he's worried that you're talking to strange, untrustworthy guys, offer to introduce them to him (or, better yet, to your regular guardian), so that they're "approved," so to speak. Or try to come up with a compromise: if his argument is that you'll get distracted from your work by talking to guys on the phone, then see if you can agree on a set number of hours per week of phone time. If your grades don't suffer, you have some ammunition to negotiate raising the amount of time.
If none of this works -- which it might not -- then you're facing the fact that your dad is an irrational control freak; you're going to have to decide whether it's worth it to you to make a stand now, or whether you want to grit your teeth and live by his rules for the next few years. It really depends on how important the relationship with him is to you, I guess.
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When I go back home on weekends, my parents get really upset when I want to take off in the evening and see my friends. They complain that they never get to see me and all this, and don't understand why I even want to keep in touch with my old friends anyway, it's nuts. So I'm thinking about going and staying with friends in their town and just not telling my parents that I'm there. I know if they find out they'd be really upset, but they guilt me if I don't spend every second with them when I'm in town. Is it wrong to lie to my parents about visiting my hometown, or a necessary evil to see my friends? (link)
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How often do you go home, and how much time do you usually spend with your parents when you do?
It seems like there ought to be room for a compromise here. The one thing you want to avoid is making your parents feel like they're just providing a hotel for you to crash at during your visits home. So if you make an effort to *plan* things with them, as well as wih your friends, they might be somewhat soothed. For example, you could offer to cook Sunday brunch for the family, but spend Saturday evening out. That way, they might feel less like they're getting your leftover scraps of time, if you see what I mean.
If you're not home very much, you really do need to make an effort to spend at least part of your visits with them. If you're coming back to your hometown nearly every weekend, I think it's fine to schedule a few during which you're pretty much only seeing friends -- but then, make sure that the next time around, you have quality time with your folks. I really wouldn't hide your visits from them: you never know whom you might run into, and it could get extremely awkward.
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Perhaps I do get a little defensive and overrect. I'm just so tired of it, I get touchy sometimes. Especially if I'm already in a bad mood or not feeling well. It's like the last straw. I thought of something that my father did at Thanksgiving that really shows how I'm treated. I think I handled it pretty well. I was sitting at the table with various relatives, and my father came up behind me and asked me to hand him a dish that was on the table. At the moment he asked, I was in the middle of answering a question that my uncle addressed to me. Because I didn't hand him the dish fast enough to suit him, he interrrupted me, saying my name, and I ignored him and finished my sentence, so he reached over me and took the dish .Then I said, firmly "I was TALKING!" loud enough for him to hear, but not yelling. I don't remember what his response was. I remember saying "I would've handed it to you when I was finished." And he rolled his eyes, and said sarcastically, "Yeah right." I think I said something then about him being rude, but not that loud, so I don't think he heard me. But this is typical of the way I'm treated. But my father can be difficult even for my mother, not that that's any excuse. What do you think? Could I have handled that better? It occurred to me recently that over the years many of my relatives may have noticed that I'm treated rudely by my immediate family but not one of them has ever come to my defense, probably because they didn't want to "make any waves." But in my family, it's always something. (link)
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Okay, so don't be mad, but if I had been a random observer at that event as you describe it, and I didn't know any of the context, I might have reacted along the lines of "wow, girlfriend needs to chill." Because I can totally see my parents, or the parents of most people I know, reaching for that plate the same way -- especially because it's Thanksgiving, and everything's pretty chaotic and stressful, and he's probably thinking "what, she can't hand me the dish and talk at the same time?"...
But of course, the context is the important thing. It seems to me as though your family has gotten to a point where what sets everyone off is not, actually, people's day-to-day actions -- which may not necessarily be anything huge at all -- but how you perceive those actions to fit into the larger pattern of how you treat each other. So you're automatically looking for evidence that your dad doesn't respect you, and because he's not the easiest guy in the world to deal with, it's not hard to find. (And he might be similarly looking for evidence that you've got a chip on your shoulder, and because you feel like you're in a situation where you have to fight to be respected, he finds it.)
So ultimately, as you clearly realize, the trouble isn't the rude comments (although obviously no one *likes* rudeness!). It's what you think the comments fundamentally mean -- which is that your parents don't appreciate or respect you. But I think it'll be easier if you treat this underlying problem and its symptoms separately for a while, because they're both pretty ingrained, if you see what I'm saying.
So here's what I would try, as an experiment: next time you visit with your folks, go into it (a) ready for the fact that they're going to ride you, (b) prepared to treat it as one of their wacky, amusing habits, and (c) reminding yourself that they actually love you a lot. (It may help if you brainstorm a little beforehand about nice things they've done for you, or good moments in the past.) If anyone says anything that gets you hot under the collar, don't take the bait -- just chuckle sweetly. (Yes, I know that you feel like that's rolling over and taking it. But if nothing else, it's going to throw them for a loop a little!) If they accuse you of insulting them, say as mildly as you can "Oh, gee, sorry, I really didn't mean to," then drop it as fast as possible. Try this method for a while, and see if it makes your encounters with them any more bearable.
If, after a bit, things calm down somewhat, then you may find it easier to talk to them about the big emotional stuff. That could still be hard, and you may want to try your mom first, if she's the less prickly one. But be very open with her -- not accusing her of being mean to you, but asking her to work *with* you in coming up with ways to all get along better. If you want to ask for explicit reassurance that you're valued as a daughter, go right ahead -- but she's likely to respond better if you make it clear that you're asking because it helps you feel better to hear it, not because she's such an awful mother. :)
If none of this does any good at all, then here's another thought. Do you have an aunt or uncle or cousin whom you trust, and whom you could ask for input? Since they probably have a good sense of how your folks operate, they might be able to offer some practical suggestions.
Wow, this went on and on! I hope the extra perspective is a little bit helpful, though... and please write again if you want.
best wishes,
alpha
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I have been struggling with this issue for years, especially with my parents and sister. I am an adult now, married, with one child, and I still feel I'm treated as if I'm a "second-class citizen" by my immediate family and my in-laws as well. I still don't know if it's something about me that makes people treat me differently, or if it's "their problem. " Basically, I feel misunderstood and disrespected. For example, someone in my family accuses me of some doing something wrong, let's say "insulting them" and I'm 100% positive I did no such thing, or that they took something I said the wrong way, and I try to explain my side of it, but the more I try to explain, the angrier they get because they just don't seem to care about the truth and want to go on thinking "wrong" about me, and they just don't respect me enough to listen to anything I have to say. Well, that's how it feels to me. If the shoe were on the other foot, and I thought someone did something wrong to me, and they tried to explain to me that they didn't I would at least have the decency to hear them out, especially my own family. Does any of this makes sense? Basically, I feel like the rules of common courtesy apply to everyone else but me in the eyes of my family. They are constantly hurting me and half the time they don't even realise it, or if they do, they dismiss my feelings as insignificant because they think I am too sensitive. I don't think so. Why do I feel like an outsider in my own family? Why can't they respect my feelings and points of view, even if they don't agree with them. I am constantly told things like "That's enough, " "I don't care" "I don't want to hear it, " or just plain "Shut up!" Is that the way to talk to a grown adult, or anybody for that matter? Let alone someone in your own family that you are supposed to love and care about? If a stranger treated me this way, I would be ofended, but it hurts a lot more coming from someone in your own family. Is there anything that I can do to get more respect from my family? I try to stand up for myself, but they don't "let" me. They snap at me if I ever say anything in my defense or tell them they are being rude, which I don't hesitate to do. I'm fed up, and I don't want to have this tension between me and my family anymore. I almost dread family get-togethers anymore, because I'm afraid someone is going to treat me bad in front of all my other relatives, and I won't be able to truly enjoy myself because I'll be dwelling on it the whole time. Can anybody relate to this at all? I know I can't be the only one, but sometimes I feel that way. Does anybody ever watch "Everybody loves Raymond?" Well, sometimes I feel like Raymond's brother Robert, and my sister is like Raymond. She is the one with the interesting career and is more financially sucessful, so I feel sometimes, she is the "favorite" and I am looked at as "the baby". (Even though I was the first to get married and have a child.) Well, feel free to offer any advice you can. I'm really hoping someone has some insight they can share. Thanks in advance. :-) (link)
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Family members can push each others' buttons like no one else in the world, so it's natural that you would have the most difficulties with them.
The fact that you notice similar problems in dealing with other people, like your in-laws, makes me wonder a bit. It's possible that your parents and sister are just really hard to get along with -- but it also might be the case that you've learned some defensive behavior over time that prevents you from having real discussions.
When you "try to explain," how exactly do you go about it? Could it perhaps be that you go on a very aggressive counterattack? (Telling people that they're being rude is sometimes justifiable, but it often just makes things worse.) One thing you might try is to count to ten before you answer back. If you can respond calmly, you have a better chance of starting a proper dialogue.
I'm not saying that this is all your fault, understand. The point is that you can't change other people's behavior: you can only change your response to it. The only way to get out of old, destructive patterns is to try to create new ones. I think it's important that you express your feelings to your family, but clearly you won't be able to get anywhere while everyone's just sniping at each other.
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here's the story. im a lesbian, but my family has yet to find out. they have no idea and i want to tell them, but i cant. i know theyll still love me, but i know how much of a disappointment that will be for them(my parents). ive made them happy so many ways, and they said theyre proud to have me as their daughter. and they keep talking about when im going to be a mother some day, and how excited they are because they know theyll be grandparents one day, but thats where i know im going to disappoint them. because theyre not going to get to see their grandchildren.. because.. there wont be any. i REALLY dont want to disappoint them, but i know i will once they find out that the family line ends with me (since i dont have brothers or sisters). so i dont know what to do, i dont want to force myself to be straight, but i dont want to let them down also. i really dont know what to do, ive cried over this situation so much because i can picture their disappointment once they find out. (link)
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If it makes you feel any better, plenty of lesbians have kids. Their own biological children, even -- all it takes is a sperm bank. (One of my good friends is a lesbian who went this route, and her daughter is now almost four and the cutest, sweetest, smartest little kid you ever saw. And her grandparents adore her, naturally.) Adoption is another excellent possibility, of course.
So if you *want* to be a mother someday, you certainly have options; and if this is, in fact, the only thing preventing you from telling your parents, you can relax a bit. (If, though, you still don't feel ready to have that conversation, don't beat yourself up too much -- you may just not be at that point yet, and that's perfectly okay.)
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My oldest daughter's biological father lives in a different country and we haven't spoken to each other since I was 19. I am now 30 years old. I let my daughter use my maiden name in her birth certificate but have indicated there who her real dad is. I've been married for 8 years now and my husband has been great to my oldest daughter. My dilema right now is should my husband legaly adopt my daughter so she could have his last name. My daughter sometimes says she is the only one in the family that has a different last name and that she doesn't look like her brother and sister. She already knows that her father is different from her brother and sister and I told her that it is not important that she uses a different name but what's important is how much her dad and her siblings loves her very much. I just wanted to get opinion if it would matter if she changes her last name or not. (link)
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I've known a couple of people who've taken their stepfather's name, and it's worked out great. I've also known people in the same situation who kept their birth names, and it's also been fine. It really just depends on what your family is most comfortable with. Since her biological father is not at all involved in her life, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't at least give her the option.
You do want to be absolutely sure that your husband understands what he's getting into. I'm sure that your marriage is completely stable and happy, but if he adopts her, then he'd still be just as much her father if the two of you ever split up, and he has to be okay with the principle of that.
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