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humorist-workshop
Thank you
Perhaps I do get a little defensive and overrect. I'm just so tired of it, I get touchy sometimes. Especially if I'm already in a bad mood or not feeling well. It's like the last straw. I thought of something that my father did at Thanksgiving that really shows how I'm treated. I think I handled it pretty well. I was sitting at the table with various relatives, and my father came up behind me and asked me to hand him a dish that was on the table. At the moment he asked, I was in the middle of answering a question that my uncle addressed to me. Because I didn't hand him the dish fast enough to suit him, he interrrupted me, saying my name, and I ignored him and finished my sentence, so he reached over me and took the dish .Then I said, firmly "I was TALKING!" loud enough for him to hear, but not yelling. I don't remember what his response was. I remember saying "I would've handed it to you when I was finished." And he rolled his eyes, and said sarcastically, "Yeah right." I think I said something then about him being rude, but not that loud, so I don't think he heard me. But this is typical of the way I'm treated. But my father can be difficult even for my mother, not that that's any excuse. What do you think? Could I have handled that better? It occurred to me recently that over the years many of my relatives may have noticed that I'm treated rudely by my immediate family but not one of them has ever come to my defense, probably because they didn't want to "make any waves." But in my family, it's always something.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Okay, so don't be mad, but if I had been a random observer at that event as you describe it, and I didn't know any of the context, I might have reacted along the lines of "wow, girlfriend needs to chill." Because I can totally see my parents, or the parents of most people I know, reaching for that plate the same way -- especially because it's Thanksgiving, and everything's pretty chaotic and stressful, and he's probably thinking "what, she can't hand me the dish and talk at the same time?"...
But of course, the context is the important thing. It seems to me as though your family has gotten to a point where what sets everyone off is not, actually, people's day-to-day actions -- which may not necessarily be anything huge at all -- but how you perceive those actions to fit into the larger pattern of how you treat each other. So you're automatically looking for evidence that your dad doesn't respect you, and because he's not the easiest guy in the world to deal with, it's not hard to find. (And he might be similarly looking for evidence that you've got a chip on your shoulder, and because you feel like you're in a situation where you have to fight to be respected, he finds it.)
So ultimately, as you clearly realize, the trouble isn't the rude comments (although obviously no one *likes* rudeness!). It's what you think the comments fundamentally mean -- which is that your parents don't appreciate or respect you. But I think it'll be easier if you treat this underlying problem and its symptoms separately for a while, because they're both pretty ingrained, if you see what I'm saying.
So here's what I would try, as an experiment: next time you visit with your folks, go into it (a) ready for the fact that they're going to ride you, (b) prepared to treat it as one of their wacky, amusing habits, and (c) reminding yourself that they actually love you a lot. (It may help if you brainstorm a little beforehand about nice things they've done for you, or good moments in the past.) If anyone says anything that gets you hot under the collar, don't take the bait -- just chuckle sweetly. (Yes, I know that you feel like that's rolling over and taking it. But if nothing else, it's going to throw them for a loop a little!) If they accuse you of insulting them, say as mildly as you can "Oh, gee, sorry, I really didn't mean to," then drop it as fast as possible. Try this method for a while, and see if it makes your encounters with them any more bearable.
If, after a bit, things calm down somewhat, then you may find it easier to talk to them about the big emotional stuff. That could still be hard, and you may want to try your mom first, if she's the less prickly one. But be very open with her -- not accusing her of being mean to you, but asking her to work *with* you in coming up with ways to all get along better. If you want to ask for explicit reassurance that you're valued as a daughter, go right ahead -- but she's likely to respond better if you make it clear that you're asking because it helps you feel better to hear it, not because she's such an awful mother. :)
If none of this does any good at all, then here's another thought. Do you have an aunt or uncle or cousin whom you trust, and whom you could ask for input? Since they probably have a good sense of how your folks operate, they might be able to offer some practical suggestions.
Wow, this went on and on! I hope the extra perspective is a little bit helpful, though... and please write again if you want.
best wishes,
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