Hi! Thanks for stopping by. I'm in college and living in the west coast of the USA. For somebody my age, I think I have an unusual amount of life experience. If you ask me for advice, I'll do my best to help.
Gender: Female
Location: the USA, Europe and Asia
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Member Since: May 22, 2010
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Last Update: July 19, 2022
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I made this guy friend almost a year ago and we snapchat everyday and sometimes talk at school. I think he’s obsessed with me though, he gets angry about any male attention i get or if i mention another male. He is constantly getting annoyed at me for stupid things that he over thinks about. He talks to me so nice when he’s happy when he’s not he speaks to me so rudely and i don’t like it. He always starts arguments if anything i do annoys him even though we are just friends. I get anxiety when he starts an argument with me. I really like being his friend but hate this side of him it makes me feel really awful and anxious. What do i do? (link)
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That sounds like a difficult situation, I am sorry you are going through this. Your friend is showing an inappropriate level of obsessiveness over you. He is crossing boundaries he shouldn't as a friend or even if he was your romantic partner. Talking everyday is something that dating people do, and is not suitable for a normal friendship. He probably has some level of romantic feelings for you but is either unaware of them or unwilling to confess to you.
A friend who's main motivation is your best interest will not try to control you or other people from paying attention to you (especially guys). Speaking to you rudely and getting consistently annoyed at you is wrong. You deserve to be treated with respect and understanding. You deserve to explore healthy romantic relationships and friendships with whomever you decide is right for you.
As girls, we are taught by society to be nice under all circumstances. This teaching is incorrect for situations where we are not treated with respect. You have to be firm, aggressive and set boundaries to protect yourself. Obsessive people can become possessive and dangerous if they become too involved.
I would recommend reading a book about boundaries. There are good books out there like "Boundaries Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries" by Anne Katherine or "Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life" by Henry Cloud (this one if you're Christian). An example might be " Can I talk to you about something because I value our friendship? When you criticized me after I did X, I felt bad. When I went home I felt anxious and insecure. I would would appreciate it if you could help me recognize things I can like about myself. Can you join me in recognizing things I can like about myself and avoid raising your voice at me in the future?"
Another example would be not snapchatting everyday. Maybe reduce it to twice a week, and then once a week.
Set boundaries with him and see how he responds. If he respects your boundaries, he will learn to be a better friend and your friendship will improve. If he doesn't respect your boundaries, this tells you he wants you to meet his needs at the expense of violating your needs, without treating you like a person.
In either case, it's very important to start investing seriously in your other friendships and creating some distance in this one. Spend more time with other existing friends, supportive family members or meeting new people. Spend less time with this friend and create some distance in physical space, social media and emotions. This will make this friendship healthier and strengthen your support network, especially in situations where he makes you feel awful and anxious.
There are cases where you need to end friendships if they become unhealthy or dangerous.I am concerned because you feel awful and anxious. Trust your gut feelings. If this is the case with this guy friend, this is a normal, brave and healthy thing to do.
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