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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm 25/f. I can't take my relationship with my family anymore, and I would like to leave the city, but I can't at the moment. Allow me to further explain. Since I can remember, my family has been overly controlling. Since I was about 5 years old, they told me where I was going to go to college... and it was in the same city. They let me know that it was unacceptable to go away for school. You would think that as I got older, the control would subside. But, it has only gotten worse. They tell me who to date, who I can't date, etc. I can't take this anymore.
I was living in the next county in an apartment that I really hated. I hated my job there and the place that I was living. So, I moved back to my county, but got an apartment. I didn't move back in with my family. They hated the apartment I moved into and this prompted them to fix my mom's old house and give it to me as a gift. Mind you... this wasn't solely done for me, but it was necessary because it would increase the value of the house. But, I thought that this was the answer to all my problems. I would be able to sleep at my house and my mom sleep in hers.
A couple of months ago, my great aunt sold her house and moved in with my mom. She was given my bedroom. So, for about a year before I originally moved, I didn't have my own bedroom!!! I had to sleep with my mom. In each of the apartments I had, I had 3 roomates. So, getting my own house felt like I was a queen. Until I actually moved in... and realized that this was just a trap to keep me under surveillance.
My grandmother basically told my mom that she had to stay over with me and sleep there... in my bed... in my room. And that I shouldn't stay there alone. When she doesn't stay, she comes knocking on my door at 7am. She dictates who can and cannot come over. She calls me insistently to tell me that I need to kick out guests. When my best friend of 10 years wanted to stay over because she was too tired to drive home... my mom made me kick her out of the house! This has gone above and beyond what's acceptable. When I told her that I wasn't going to listen to her and that my bff had to stay over or if not she was going to get into an accident... she said I was a lesbian and didn't want anything to do with me. Then, she came knocking on my door at 7am... banging on the doors to wake me up and kick us out of the house because she said a cleaning crew was coming.
I'm so extremely tired. This is not a way to live. I don't want this house anymore because it comes with strings. I told her and she basically told me off and said that they shouldn't have fixed the house for me. Maybe not... but they also shouldn't have given my room away without asking me first. Or just expect me with being ok with sleeping in the same bed as mom without an end in sight.
My family only perpetuates this unhealthy attachment with my mom. They tell me that I can't even put gas in my car without her coming. This family is absolutely dysfunctional and I'm just done. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to sleep in the same bed as my mom anymore. I don't want to have her accompany me to put gas. I don't want her telling me who I can and can't date. I don't want to have to report everything to her like if I was a child. I'm an adult with a full time job and a college degree. Last weekend, I got on a plane and went out of town. I never felt so happy and free in my life. Like I had to be looking over my shoulder. I literally feel stalked all the time. One day, I told her I was at the sprint store and I was literally across the street getting a sandwich. I was going to the sprint store... I just failed to tell her I was getting a sandwich. she literally texted me saying she drove by the sprint store and didn't see me inside. She expects me to tell her every move I make.
I've decided that I want to move away from this city so I don't have to feel that way anymore. But, the problem is that I'm currently in the process of getting my master's degree and I have a year left of school. I need to finish my degree so that I can find a good job to support myself in another city. I can't transfer because I'm already too far into the program and all I need is another year. But, I've realized that within that year, I can't continue living like this! It's effecting my school-work. It's effecting my job. My stomach feels sick all the time and I have to miss days. I need to move to an apartment where I can study and feel at rest.
But, I need help and advice. Staying in my house would mean saving more money. But, is it worth it if I am feeling physically ill and it's effecting all aspects of my life? Is it worth saving money if I can't be an independent adult. Are there any laws to protect me in this situation? At all?
The Answer
Well, if you actually own the home, you could call the cops on your trespassing family members. Actually, even if you don't technically own it, as the principal cohabitant, you could probably call the cops.
Not that I'm necessarily recommending that. That would be radical, but at least feel certain in this: Your mother is harassing you. Criminal level of harassment. You are not crazy, or wrong. What she is doing is insane, and it would drive anyone insane.
You might want to consider talking to the student services or counselors at your school. They may have recommendations or resources you haven't thought of.
Other than that, it really is up to you what you do next. I would think that loosing the money to have a safe space to live would be worth it, especially with the level of anxiety and stress you are describing here. BUt that is a choice you'll need to make for yourself.
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