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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
My 14-year-old daughter identifies as gay. Let me make it clear right from the start that I have absolutely no problem with that. If she wants to date girls, I'll treat her girlfriends exactly as I would her boyfriends, and if she got married to a woman someday I would totally welcome my new daughter-in-law into the family.
The thing is, I'm not sure she really IS gay. The reason is that those who I have known who are gay say it's something they've known all their lives (I've certainly always felt hetero). That's not the case with my daughter; in her childhood, she talked about "cute boys" and such, and she's even said that this is something that evolved in her over time. And I don't think it's that she was afraid to tell us; my wife and I have always been very open with her about our position that there is absolutely nothing inherently wrong with being gay. She, in turn, tends to have very little shame about revealing her feelings about people and things (often to a fault!).
My question is: Is it possible for one's sexual preference to change with the onset of puberty? Is it even possible for it to change AT ALL?
The Answer
Yes, sexual orientation (and I would encourage you to call it orientation, and not 'preference') can change. A person's understanding of their orientation can also change. People can also choose to assign different labels to the feelings they have always had, or to change labels in the light of new feelings they are experiencing, as they grow and learn more about themselves.
I've assigned a lot of different labels to my sexuality over the years. My understanding of myself as changed, but the love, attraction and affection I felt for others remained honest and real no matter how I was identifying at the time.
Your idea that people always 'know' from a young age is simply mistaken. That's a common story, but it's not everyone's experience. Some people wake up at age 30, the pieces fall into place, and they realize what they really want. Not because they were repressed, or homophobic, or lying to themselves, but because they just didn't get it till that moment. That can happen and it does.
More importantly tho, you owe her the respect of believing what she has told you and taking her self-reporting seriously. That really is the golden rule here—it sounds like you know that—but you are faltering in that respect a bit right now.
Honestly, I know that sucks to hear, because she is 14 years old and nearly everything in her life is your business, but this isn't. This deep knowledge of herself is out of your purview as her parent. The only knowledge you get on this subject is the stuff she figures out and chooses to share with you. She's becoming her own human being and that means she'll always be the expert on the subject of her own orientation.
So try to stop speculating. It's not kind or very helpful. You've got a great start here with honesty, openness and respect. Don't muck that up by undermining her. Listen to her. Ask her questions, but don't assume, and don't assign labels or descriptions. That is for her to do. Her language and her understanding may change. It may not. You'll know when she tells you, not before.
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