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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Hey there, to start this question off I think there are a few important things to point out. I am currently a 20 year old girl attending college and a member of a sorority. If you were not or do not know anyone in a sorority, the dynamics of a certain relationship that I discuss (my pledge sister) may not make a lot of sense but I would still love your input if you feel you have some to give!
Okay, so this girl. She is in my pledge class in my sorority which means we were initiated the same year. It is probably safe to say that she was not universally well liked, and made quite a few enemies within the house. I never really got close to her but I always went out of my way to be a little nicer to her just because I hated the way people would often ignore or treat her. Yes, she could be a pretty mean individual but sometimes I think those people need the most kindness in their life. She previously had a relationship with a young man that we will call Henry. They dated for about a month, a year and a half ago. I never met him, because as I said, we weren't really friends. Fast forward to now. I meet this guy one night and we immediately hit it off. Instant chemistry, and we leave the evening with a kiss. I told one of my friends about him and she goes, wait, isn't that (girl mentioned above)'s ex boyfriend? And my heart dropped to my chest. Come to find out the next morning, she had heard about it and while upset, told another girl that she didn't really care. I still felt a little weird about the whole situation and decided not to pursue him.
Well, he decided to pursue me. And for about two weeks we just texted, and I thought, okay no harm there, if anything I will realize that it was just a one time spark and I can move on. But everything about him fascinated me. And I felt myself falling for him. He asked me on a date and I felt every bone in my body screaming to say yes. But I decided to wait until I talked to that girl. When I did she seemed a little ticked, but more or less gave her blessing. Well, after the date, long after the date, she changed her mind. After about two months of Henry and I more or less dating she confronted me telling me I was a horrible sister and a horrible friend. She felt that I was always the person closest to her in our sorority and she couldn't believe I would stab her in the back like that. She claimed, "he was my boyfriend, I loved him, this looks horrible on you" and the more she explained it the more I felt guilty. I didn't know what to do, so I went to talk to Henry.
He told me a bunch of wild things, like how this girl had lied to him about being pregnant so that he wouldn't leave her and eventually admitted that she in fact lying. He said he completely regrets dating her and that in truth, he never even considered her his girlfriend. Now this could be him not telling the whole truth or trying to downplay it. It doesn't really matter because the truth is I hurt this girl, and I am in the wrong.
But I am so falling for him and I feel that I don't truly have an obligation to this girl besides this sorority. I just feel a lot of guilt and even though my friends say "oh its fine" how can I be fine when I'm hurting someone that I took an oath to respect?
What do I do?
The Answer
Hurting someone isn't the same as disrespecting them.
Your actions may have hurt her, and it's okay to feel badly about that (healthy and sane even!) but that actually doesn't mean that you behaved wrongly. It's good to take a look at our behaviour when we hurt someone, but sometimes, we do the right thing, the fair thing and someone still ends up hurt.
My advice to you would be to speak to someone else in the sorority, maybe someone who is older or in a leadership position. Frankly, is sounds like this girl lashed out at you unjustifiably. She had a chance to object, and she didn't. She changed her mind after weeks—which is okay, she's allowed to change her mind about how she feels but that just sucks for her—but it doesn't mean she gets to turn around and attack you. That's not respectful.
Keep what Henry has said to you about her behaviour while they dated quiet. That is private. That is him speaking to you about his romantic past, and you shouldn't go dragging that into your sorority to use it against her. That would be gossiping and disrespectful.
But it's not disrespectful to keep on dating him. There may be drama or hurt feelings, and you should try to get some advice and support on how to handle those hurt feelings within the house. It's perfectly right and correct to want to minimize any hurt you cause her, but that doesn't mean she gets to attack you, shame you or insist you break up.
Being respectful and considerate towards someone, doesn't mean they get thier way.
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