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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Okay before I start this topic I just want to put a DISCLAIMER noting that this will be completely one sided and biased because it is specifically coming from my perspective (as a 23 year old woman). I know there are many sides to this issue and I won't be covering them on purpose because I am asking for advice for myself specifically.
What I have been struggling with lately is something that I know is technically a personal choice and decision, but I am so torn down the middle that I would just like some outside input.
Men, women, anyone can answer. What I am struggling with is the idea of cheating. Specifically men cheating on their wives, girlfriends. I know women cheat too. And I know there are men who do not cheat. But statistically cheating for men is the rule not the exception.
There was a psychologist who wrote a book about how cheating is so absolutely natural to men because of evolutionary purposes and what is actually ruining relationships is the expectation that a man will be capable of having sex with only one woman most of his life. He says that men desiring other women sexually doesn't mean they don't love their partner, and that it is only lust and physical. He argues marriages shouldn't be sexually restrictive and they would be more successful.
Being a person who sees things from all perspectives I understand this point, and in theory I thought I would be able to accept a relationship like this, however, Ive realized that I cannot.
This is an issue now because I met and fell in love with a man who I think is one of my soul mates, he is perfect for me in every way, however, he has been honest and straightforward with me that he doesn't think he can control his lust. He's told me he doesn't want to hurt me, and maybe for a while he can be faithful but eventually he is afraid he won't be able to resist. (the truth is that extremely attractive girls really do literally throw themselves at him). He tells me that he is in love with me and will always want me, the rest is just lust, but he knows eventually it will show up.
So basically I have the decision to make if I want to be with him or not, knowing this. He is not saying that he will go out actively looking to sleep with other people, but he did warn me that he doesn't know if he will be able to stay loyal forever and his biggest fear is hurting me.
I cannot decide. Theoretically it makes sense the whole lust thing. And maybe not in the beginning when love is passionate and strong, but what about later on? I get it. I really do think most people end up wanting to cheat. I want to be able to accept it. But then, I think of him sleeping with other girls and I cannot take it. I know that if I decide to be with him I will only want him, I am very loyal sexually once I like someones energy I only want theirs, so it is really hard for me to be ok with this. But that means losing him and he really is one of the most amazing people I've ever met. I know I am young but this connection with him is something actually out of story books.
So what do you think? cheating can be ok? never ok? I don't know what to do if I should choose to be with him knowing the risk or try to forget about him romantically and just stay friends. We are also best friends so he will always be in my life. That makes things much harder. Help??
Thank you in advance :)
The Answer
You know what else is natural? Rape, murder, bigotry and racism. These are very natural things, with evolutionary explanations.
They are are immoral and wrong. So just put the whole 'natural' argument aside for a moment. It's a red herring, a distraction from the real discussion you want to be having. What's natural is irrelevant. Even what is normal doesn't matter much. What matters is about how people agree to live their lives.
Here's the thing about what your boyfriend has discussed with you:
He's not necessarily talking about cheating.
A relationship is a series of agreements between two people. It's not some sort of standard contract, it's a living thing that two people are constantly creating together. The moment he started to talk to you about this, he made the first step in changing your relationship agreement. He made a step towards not cheating, and not betraying you, but having a relationship agreement that is based on honesty and might allow for some sexual encounters with other people.
Cheating is never okay when it's a betrayal of a relationship agreement. That's never cool. We can argue about HOW wrong it is, but it's always wrong to make a deal with someone, and then break that deal.
The thing I'd warn you against, is leaving the door wide open and giving him permission to 'cheat'. Instead, if you are comfortable exploring this, let him know that you might be open to the idea of relationship that isn't sexually exclusive, but you do need an honest one, where he doesn't betray or lie to you because of his sexual desires. It's fine to desire other people - but it's never an excuse for betrayal. You hold up your end of the bargain by acknowledging that having sex with someone else, sex that is safe and that he is honest with, will not automatically end the relationship, but that you'll approach the issue calmly and thoughtfully.
Of course, that is all only if you are willing too.
You do need to be cautious though. I'm wary of guys who say things like "I can't control myself." That is complete bullshit. He's capable of not raping someone right? Right. Then he is capable of controlling his desires. Just like humans are perfectly capable of not raping, or murdering or being bigots - despite the fact those are natural behaviours for humans - they are also perfectly capable of honouring their agreements with their partners, and speaking honestly and respectfully with their partners.
Your boyfriend is UTTERLY capable of not cheating. He is perfectly able to say no to sex with someone. That's an entirely possible thing. There is nothing about having a penis that makes him powerless when an attractive women expresses interest. Frankly, that's a myth that is really demeaning to men - the idea that they are all too stupid or too weak to make choices when shown boobs. What he is telling you is that he doesn't want to have a sexually exclusive relationship agreement and that it's an agreement that wont work for him in the longterm. Or at least, if he is honest and decent, that is what he is trying to say.
If you are seriously considering having a relationship with this new sort of agreement, I'd recommend you read the book Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. It's sort the bible for this sort of thing, but whatever you decide, remember that you should never be in any sort of relationship agreement you aren't comfortable with, and your partner should always treat you respectfully regardless of their urges - even if that means respectfully ending the relationship because you two can't come to a relationship agreement that works for them.
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