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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Hello.
I'm a 22 year old female with a past of unhealthy and shakey relationships,lasting between 2 to 6 months.
However, in this case.. I have been on and off with the same person for around two years. For some of you out there, you may not find this all too impressive. But to me, it's something that has been really hard for me to fathom.
Our relationship started very quickly and passionately. We met in the mall through a mutual person and instantly hit it off. We could read each other's emotions pretty well (or so I thought), and I really fell for him fast. The thing that held us back the first time around was his drug usage.
After a few months of breaking up and getting back in touch, he really seemed to have changed. He was taking care of himself more, appeared more composed and thoughtful. So.. we gave it another round.
We really hit it off that time. We were very in tune.. always talking about our feelings and making plans for the future. Then he betrayed my trust and came to my house blazed out of his mind. I found out within a week that he not only had sex with me while he was high, but that he also lied about his father abusing him and that he used to be a coke addict. I get if someone lies about those things not happenings.. but why lie that they did? I get it was for attention, but that's some heavy things to lie about.
It took a huge toll on me. You see, I never truly trusted anyone until I met him. I always remained guarded and suspicious. But for him I completely let myself open. I told his parents about him using and what he did. He agreed to give up that life and to move back in with them so that he could live a more productive life.
I thought since he made that decision, that things could maybe be different.
We made it work for awhile, but I never truly healed from that initial heart break. He made it worse by inviting his old room mate over to our place and trying to hide it from me.
He would watch pornography while I was upstairs sleeping. I caught him on a hook up site (though he claims it was only for pictures). He admitted he lied that his ex girlfriend had an abortion and left him.
It seemed like everything was starting to repeat itself. He makes me feel like I'm crazy.. like I'm looking for mistakes. But he makes the same ones over and over again!
So, I decided I was moving out after he told me it's my fault he can't change. Even though I'm guarded and suspicious over the pain he has caused me. He instantly changed his tone and cried and begged for me to stay. Literally in a fetal position yelling that he would change. At that point, I had completely shut off emotionally. I couldn't connect to him because he put me through so much, and I felt the tears weren't even real.
I have a new place now.. and I have a few weeks until I move. But you see, I still am having a hard time thinking of him not being around. I do have a big problem with abandonment and I accept that. But I should know better by now that he will only cause me pain.
On top of this, he gave me herpes.. something that I can never get rid of and that people will judge me for. How can I trust that the next guy won't just push me away from that alone?
I feel broken, used, hurt and worthless. I know I'm strong enough to live on my own.. but damn, I wish my mind would catch up to my heart and be at rest.
So I ask.. what do I do to keep moving? Am I crazy? And is there even a small chance that he could ever change?
The Answer
He's probably not going to change, and even if he did, that doesn't mean he's changing into someone who is right for you. His behaviour was abusive and manipulative. Even if he gets better, you should never walk back down that road with him. It'll never be a good place for you to be.
Also, cut yourself some slack! Having "a past of unhealthy and shaky relationships,lasting between 2 to 6 months" isn't a pattern, it's called being 22 years old! For better or worse, a lot of us make poor decision while we are figuring out what love looks like. You may have been used, but you are not broken. You are young, and smart enough to walk away from something that isn't working. Lets be honest, most people are older than you before they have the sense to walk away from a guy like that - so pat yourself on the back - you are ahead of the curve.
You have a lot on your mind, and I might suggest that you are focusing on the icky past with him because it's a bit easier than focusing on the even scarier unknown future. Tell your mind to shove it and stop looking backwards. There isn't a magic trick to it, just realize that is what is happening, and stop it. Being in a new place will certainly help, until then, try to keep your hands busy. That will quiet your mind until it has better things to focus on.
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