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How does one achieve a level of "coolness?"
There are several key factors into achieving coolness.
1. Some people associate being cool with how many times you've been beaten up in your life. Pick the biggest, baddest mutha you know and piss them off. Get slaughtered. Heal. Tell everyone the story of how you got each scar. Repeat.
2. You need to know some party tricks. The more dangerous, the better. Learn how to juggle flaming knives, or pull honey out of a live bees' nest.
3. You need a cool nickname. Make it complicated and long, and when people ask about it, tell them it's a long story and you don't want to get into it. This makes you seem mysterious and deep, instead of shallow and retarded. Try Fluffersnuffers. That name has always worked for me.
4. You need a cool vehicle. I hear mopeds and segues are in style this year. Get one of them. Make sure you wear a helmet, elbow pads, and knee pads. Safety is cool.
5. Fashion is A-1. Wear the most trendy, modern clothing you can find. Emulate Lady Gaga's style as much as possible.
6. End every sentence with the phrase "in accordance to the prophecy." When people ask what prophecy, pretend to be horrified they don't know, then laugh and walk away. Also, when telling stories in the past tense, always end with "there were no survivors." You'll be a bad-ass storyteller.
If you follow these steps, you'll be the coolest person in your town by the end of the month.
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I like you.
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