Q: Ok so this isn't my problem, it's actually my best friend's. She confided all of this to me yesterday and was in need of some advice. I tried to help her out as best as I could, but I couldn't say too much because i've never really experienced anything like this. That's where you guys come in. So here is her dilemma: (I apologize, as per usual it's gonna be ridiculously long.)
Ok so my friend, Jane, has been having problems with her boyfriend Dave. She met him through work (which will later play into a large part of the problem) and at first she really liked him. But at the time she wasn't really looking for a relationship (she had previously been having issues with another guy who she worked with and hooked up with). But Dave started showing signs that he liked her and eventually asked her out on a date. The whole time he was a complete gentleman and even ended the night with a simple kiss on the cheek. They spent weeks just going on dates and talking and getting to know each other before they became official. At first she was smitten - they had so much in common and she got along so well with him, and that lasted for quite some time. However, it still was only the start of the relationship. As time went on, he ended up meeting most of her family and friends, and they all loved him. (And I as a friend agree - he's one of the greatest guys I've ever met and I couldn't have been more happy for her.) But now as the relationship starts to get on, the problems begin to arise:
- First off, they work together. And he's one of her supervisors. A.k.a. If some people they work with find out...big "UH-OH". They could both lose their jobs. [Which would be problematic for both, him being that it's his career, and her for the fact that it's an internship in connection with her school, and it's directly related to her major and what she wants to do in life.) But so far they've had no problems in keeping their relationship a secret. However, as of late she's starting to feel like she's missing out on something...which will tie in with the next issue...
- Friends. Dave dislikes many of the people that they work with. So that causes a problem for Jane on two levels: 1.) She can't go out with certain people from work whom she'd like to hang out with because if Dave wants to spend time with her as well, she can't bring him because they can't be seen together. and 2.) Even if they are people who she doesn't have to hide her relationship from, Dave doesn't like them. Now she could just simply divide her time up and hang out with them and then hang out with him another time, but again that goes into another issue...
- He wants to spend WAY too much time with her. He's crazy about her and loves her and they spend a lot of time together. But whenever she wants her distance and a night out with the girls, he gets upset and feels as if she doesn't want to be with him, which in turn makes her feel bad. And angry at him at the same time.
Now that you know all the little nuances, it's time for the MAJOR problem at hand (that ties them all in). There's an age difference between the two of them, she's 20 and he's 26. Now age really ain't nothin but a number, and it's not that big of a gap, but it is starting to come into play in this case. Since she's only 20, she wants to live her life and experience college and have fun. Him being 26 and pretty much settled in life, has different ideas about that. She has a very energetic and magnetic personality. She likes to command attention from everyone (but not in an obnoxious, annoying way) and she loves making new friends and having lots of different people around her. She usally makes many friends at work, but because of Dave she hasn't really been able to do that (because of the two situations mentioned above). So when she sees her friends and people from work hanging out outside of the job, she feels as if she's missing out. Also, she's going to be graduating early [in like, less than a year] so with that in mind, and with most of her friends being older and graduating this coming year, she wants to spend as much time with them as possible and have as many experiences as she can before college is over. However, she feels held back because of Dave and it's driving her crazy. That's coupled with the fact that he's really in love with her. To the point that he's stated that he wants to marry her and spend his life with her. Now that's the FARTHEST thing from her mind right now and she's definitely not ready to get married at any time soon, nor does she think about it. Also, as of now she lives in Rhode Island (that's where she goes to school and works) but her hometown is New York. So when she's done with school, she's definitley coming back to New York. He's been thinking of also coming to NY to pursue a teaching career. This bothers her because she doesn't know if he's doing that to just follow her or because he actually wants to teach there, and she doesn't want him making life decisions like that based on her alone. She's tried talking to him about some of these things, but he usually just gets very upset and doesn't really understand her reasoning. And she gets upset talking to him about it because she really cares about him, and she doesn't want to hurt him, but she feels like no matter what she says will.
About a little over a year ago she was dating this other guy, Julio, who became somewhat possessive and didn't really like her hanging out with her friends too often. So he broke up with her after 6 months because of it. She's been dating Dave now for 5 months and she's worried that it might have the same fate, being that it's nearing the same amount of time and such. But she really doesn't want it to end and cares about him deeply -- but everything he's been doing has been pushing her away. Also despite this she's been trying to make time to see her friends and hang out with them up in RI, but they keep bitching about her saying that she doesn't invest enough time in them and that she's "changed", then when she makes an effort they blow her off (which is an entirely different problem...but it doesn't help her situation.) Also because of this, she's been finding herself attracted to other guys, but not in a sexual way. For example, she's developed this sort of "crush" on Ted, one of her higher-ups at work. She knows nothing will come of it (her being in a relationship and him being married) and she doesn't think of him "like that" at all, but she's just attracted to his personality and the kind of person he is, and she just admires him. It's nothing that will damage her relationship, but she feels it has a lot to do with Dave and the way he's been acting. Plus Ted does this thing with all his co-workers where he'll invite them over to his house and make dinner for them and they'll have a nice fancy dinner with him and his wife (he's a chef). He invited Jane a while ago, and she was going to go, and even told Dave in advance, but the day before she was going Dave flipped out on her about it. She still went, but it really upset her. And lately every little argument sets her off and they end up screaming at each other. Another big part is that his last girlfriend was in a committed relationship with him, but then ended it abruptly as college ended to go back to her homestate, which left him pretty devastated. I thought this might have something to do with the way he's acting in this relationship.
This has been taking a toll on her emotionally and physically, and she just wants some peace.
Sooo after this long rambling entry, the question is: What should she say to Dave? How can she let him know how she feels without hurting him or upsetting him? She doesn't want to end the relationship (again, aside from the fights here and there he treats her like a princess and is one of the sweetest guys she's ever met or been with) because she cares about him deeply, but how does she let him know that and also at the same time tell him that she needs her time away from him and to live her life? What else can she do?
Any advice would be appreciated, I really just want to see my friend happy. It hurts me to see her upset and hurting like this :(.
Thanks so much =)
