Dear Readers:
I think my life experience is what qualifies me to write this column. I made every mistake imaginable. But have learned from them. Most important I still remember what it was like to be 12, 13, 14, 15, and so on. Currently I am a single mom, I have two wonderful boys. One in college. We are all happy emotionally. We love life, and know that you can too. I try to be the kind of parent that understands. I know that I can help you to understand where you parents are coming from, and help you get over the difficulties of being young. You can even have your parents write to me and I will help them to get over their fears and at least respect you and your feelings. I have been married and divorced twice, so I have experience in that field also. But now I own my own home, and my own business and am successful. Lots of luck to you! Hope to hear from you.
Website: Ask Michele
E-mail: cobweb2@comcast.net
Gender: Female
Location: Connecticut
Occupation: accountant, internet marketing, creative writing
Age: 56
Member Since: March 22, 2005
Answers: 1331
Last Update: June 20, 2010
Visitors: 84135
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I am so disappointed with the way my life is turning out. I'm on lots of medications and am in therapy, but at this point I'm pretty sure it's all stopped working. I'm not connected at all to my family. Nobody would miss me if I was gone. Please don't try to tell me my life has meaning because literally EVERYTHING I do goes wrong. Should I travel? Should I get away from my life just for right now and come back to face it with a level head? Because it seems harder and harder to stop myself from swallowing all my pills at once and never waking up. It's starting to be too much to handle and I hate being in this much pain...about myself. (link)
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The answers are: Yes and Yes! If you can travel, and or if you can get away. But that is always easier said than done.
When I was just 16 I ran away from home. (luckily I survived, but that is another story. And this was 40 years ago.) Getting away from my dysfunctional family was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned more about people and human nature when I could meet people at their own level and not have my family's influence over me. My family didn't like anyone, didn't like anything, didn't enjoy life, and were full of self loathing. But I didn't' know that at the time. They were the only reference I had of "normal". But they were not normal. And I had to get away to learn that. Inside I had hopes and dreams and a belief that life could be beautiful, fun, and a hope that I was special. They took every opportunity to kill those feelings me in. All of them. My parents and my brother and sister. Because they were miserable, they didn't like to see happiness in anyone. But they thrived on their misery while I was dying inside. My heart and my hopes were kept in a dungeon by my family. The best thing I ever did was leave. I came back after a year, and stayed a while until I was 18, then left on my own and never went back. That time away from them made me stronger. I had to rely on myself. I found out that I was smarter than they ever gave me credit for. That I could be resourceful and I was very capable. I don't think I would ever have learned that if I stayed home and let them continue to control me.
I still had a long way to go and a lot to learn, but at least now I could. It was all up to me. Years later I found out why my family was the way there were. They were afraid of life. Afraid of strangers, Afraid of strange situations. They never wanted to leave their comfort zone. Those feelings included the children, but for it to work they had to control us and scare us. That way we wouldn't make a move without their consent, which they rarely gave. I am so glad that I left.
If you have an opportunity to leave and be on your own and deal with new people and situations on their own level, then I hope that you take it.
You say that it would not matter to your family if you were alive or not. Many people would argue with you about that point. But I say, hey if they are making you feel that way, then it is not wondre that you think that. But you don't need their approval or acceptance or even love to be a valuable member of this world. You can make a difference and you can be very important to someone. Someone, something or some cause.
Since you took the time to write your question and you seem very smart and articulate, I can see the value in you. Your question is insightful. It does not blame others for your problems and you are looking for answers. You know in your heart that there is a better way out there. And you are right. You were just not lucky enough to be born into a family that can help you achieve all your goals and fulfill your life's work. But that doesn't mean that you can not accomplish all that you wish to. Even if you don't know what that is now. You can still reach a great level of self esteem and self love by getting involved in life and doing something. Learning something. Helping someone. Becoming an expert at something. Being the best that you can be. (I know, that sounds corny) If you write to me again with more detail, I can give you more guidance. If you place a private message in my inbox I will be happy to respond. I have been where you are. Today I am 56, with two grown boys, both successful. I own my own home and I have a great career, work part time for some charities and I just love life, itself. AND I believe that my best years are ahead of me. And my mother said I would never amount to anything. That message was in my head for so long. What a shame.
I wish you luck and happiness and the ability to do the hard work that it will take to get there. It is all worth it. I promise.
Michele
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is there a way to make a survey online that depending how you answer the question, it directs you to different questions. What i mean is like i want to do a survey that has different questions for males and females so like i'd ask if they were males or females and then if they were males it would direct them to the male survey and same for females. Oh and it has to be free too. Or very inexpensive. Please give me a website! thanks. (link)
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Constant contact has a survey tool. And it can be inexpensive. Try that site.
Michele
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my cat had to go to the pet hospital for something, and during the exam the doctor said that she had gingivitis. the pet hospital visit alone was $400, and i cannot afford to treat my cats gingivitis.
my question is, is there anything i can do to help her myself? could i start brushing her teeth? i cant change the food she eats but anything else? i read online that if it gets too bad it can cause huge problems like organ failure.
thanks! (link)
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I would give her doses of vitamin C. You can get it in powder form and add it to her food. Vitamin C fights infection,and promotes healing. I love my cats, but just like you I can not always afford the vet or the medicine. Vitamin C has worked miracles for me. You can also get it in liquid form and add it to her water.
She also needs dry food, the crunchy kind, to help her remove plaque from her teeth. Probably the vet told you that already. I have three cats and one of them will ONLY eat the dry food and his teeth are perfect.
Hope this helps and good luck to you
Michele
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Hi, my moms some sort of an alcoholic. Well, the other day my dad and i went to go buy a fake christmas tree that was very costy because we wanted one that looked real. Well, (my parents dont talk to each other because of my mothers behavior) i asked her last night if i could put the tree up. She said what tree? i said my father and i purchased a tree in sears, since we all have new cars and don't want to scratch them, we cant go pick up one. she freaked out telling me to tell my dad to return it, were not celebrating christmas or my 17th birthday this year (dec 22). i calmly asked "why?", she said my sister (21) said not to. So I called her out saying that is bullshit because my sister called me crying saying my mother said were not celebrating christmas this year. I called my sister, put her on speaker and said "why is mom saying your the one who told her not to celebrate christmas" melissa said "mom said...... what....!?" "Mom said you told her not to celebrate christmas" she said "why is she blaming me?!" i said "i dont know what her deal is but shes being a little bitch, and i have you on speaker right now in front of her and she is just embarrassed for lying to me." my sister said "i cant believe you mom, what the fuck" and i hung up.
So, me having temper problems i started screaming at her (i cant help it, i swear). i started throwing things and i took her alcohol and hid it for all of our sake. she opens the fridge for a beer and screams "GOD DAMNIT WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU PUT MY BEER?!?!!!?" she pushed me against the wall and started searching the entire house, not sure if she found it or not. She said "im calling the police on you to take you away". she locked me out of the house while i am sick, in 25 degree weather, snowing. i texted my friend to come get me and she did. so basically i just left my house without letting her know, nothing new there.
this christmas will be really embarrassing because my sisters boyfriend from england (they want to get married) is staying with us from the 21st-jan 8th. and if he sees that my mother isnt allowing us to celebrate my birthday, christmas eve, and christmas day, he'll think differently of us. my moms never been like this before. but every christmas she refuses to open presents with the entire family. she seperates my fathers presents from hers. she makes my sister and i sit in the kitchen while opening her presents, not our living room with the tree. then, after we open all of them, we go to my father. in his office to open his presents. my dads upset that my mom wont allow us to open presents as a family. but, whatever. its something that i cant change i guess..
i called my boyfriend (19) crying telling him what happened. he said that i can come to his grandparents christmas eve celebration in long island (i live in ny) his mother already said i was welcome. and his dads christmas celebration at his grandparents house on christmas day. welll, i never met ryans grandparents/side of the family in long island. i think that would be weird if i did go, they would ask me why im not with my family. i will get upset, and start crying over it. and his dad is an asshole and just calls everyone out on every little mistake so he would make me tell what happened to his entire family on christmas day. another thing that would make me upset. (theres nothing to control his dads behavior, unless if he is on medication)
i am supossed to go to my grandmothers house in ct for christmas eve like every year, excluding my mother. i really want to meet ryans extended family on that side but i dont want to have to tell them about my mothers behaviors.. i think it would be a little weird for me to be there considering he has cousins my age (16, almost 17.. will be 17 at the time) uncles, aunts, family friends, & whoever else.
i really need help. i dont know what to do, this is one huge clusterfuck.
i dont want to go home. if i do, im going to throw another fit. but my dad will be home tonight to help out if i do... what should i do about this? please keep in mind that i have huge temper/emotional problems..
thank you in advance for reading this, all help is appreciated. (link)
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I am so sorry for your troubles. Your mom is an alcoholic. Everything she does revolved around drinking. Of course she is embarassed by it, and wants to hide from everyone the extent of how much she drinks each day, but she is consumed by it. I don't know why she is so mad at your dad, and that he does nothing about her drinking. Most likely when he does get the courage to bring it up, she blames him. This is classic. All alcoholics do that. Sure your dad may have done something to piss your mom off, maybe he cheated on her, and they won't work together to resolve it, and they won't separate. Probably they tell themselves they are staying together for the sake of the kids. But look what they are making you live with. Their anger, resentment, lack of communication, guilt and substance abuse.
You are righ to be upset, you are right to be mad. It is not wonder you are mad and have emotional problems like outbursts. You have no normal role models. Your mom needs an intervention, but people have to care to do that. It is a difficult task. One that I dont think your father is up to.
You can't fix this problem, but you do have to distance yourself from it. And here let me give you a warning.....As much as you hate your mothers drinking and her bahvior, statistics show that your chances of growing up to be just like her are great, again, because she is your role model. So just keep that in mind for the future.
You need to distance yourself from your family as much as possible. If you have friends and a boyfriend, spend as much time with their families as you can. By all means you should go over to your boyfriends grandparents for Christmas. And you don't have to explain to anyone why you are there. It is no one's business. What kind of people would ask a guest in their home on a holiday, "why are you here and not with your family?" That is very impolite. They should be honored with your presence. And if anyone does ask, just have an answer prepared and repeat as often as necessary. Like, Oh I wanted to get to know (boyfriend's name) family. he always tells me such wonderful stories about his family. It is very normal for young people to want to be with their friends on the holidays. Then you can always say, my family has it's big day on Christmas Day. Whatever.
The fact that you are so worried about what his father MAY say to you, shows that you are trying to control things before they even happen. this is proof that you are growing up in a very chaotic household. Watch out for that. You'll have a very unhappy life ahead of you if you try to control things all the time.
When and if you do get out of this dysfunctional family you are going to need some therapy so you don't end up like any of them.
Good luck to you dear. And yes, I know, because I have been there. I can't remember ever having a nice Christmas with my parents.
Michele
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I'm new here and I didn't know how to properly ask a question. The Subject is basically my question. In an email, a woman told me she had a sore (pimple) on her rump many years ago and it has recently reoccurred. She says she has herpes. but I have my doubts as she has never had a genital or oral sore. I have asked her if she had a blood test, but so far she hasn't answered. Is it conceivable that she actually does have herpes? I wonder because I was diagnosed and treated for herpes, when I didn't have herpes or any other STD.
David Hogben, PhD (link)
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Maybe, I had a friend years ago who had it, and it layed dormant at the base of her spine, and when she had an outbreak, it would be at the base of her back. She was tested and she came out positive for herpes. So I think it is possible.
But only a test can tell for sure.
Michele
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in the movie jungle to jungle with tim allen , theres a song that says 'its my life and ill do what i want...' or somethin along those lines.
i looked up the soundtrack on google and it says dana hutson sang it (i think),, but i cant find it on myspace or youtube or anywhere !
its the scene where mimi goes through the city and they dance lol
thanks ! (link)
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This song was originall performed by Eric Burton and the Animals. Go to YouTube and search on
The Animals It's My Life.
You'll find it.
That is the original version It is from the 60's. You have to remember that in those days, these guys were the coolest.
Michele
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what does rediculous mean here? (link)
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No matter how deep your faith, no one can truthfully deny that there is absolutely no evidence of an afterlife. So then, why isn't crime running rampant in the streets? What is it that makes people put the needs of others ahead of their own? Why do the overwhelming majority of us behave daily in such totally ridiculous ways when the one single certainty we have in life is that we are going to be here for a very short time and most of us will never get everything we really want simply by working hard and following the rules? Fedor Dostoevsky submits his answer to these questions in his short story "The Dream of a Ridiculous Man." I believe that in Dostoevsky short story, the word ridiculous could be substituted by any of the 7 deadly sins, like pride, jealousy, gluttony, vanity, sloveness, umm, I forgot the rest, but you get the idea.
- Michele
ADDENDUM
First I went and read part of the Short Story by Doestoevsky. Then I found an explanation on so a website and that helped me to understand what Doystoevsky was saying. Then I added my own understanding of it, at the end. Glad that you liked it.
Michele
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What kind of (specifics please) job can you get with a regular 4 year degree in psychology? Everything that interests me so far involves grad school and I'm not sure I want to go to grad school. (link)
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With a four year degree in psychology, you could probably get a job as a child advocate with your STate's department of Children and Family services. Make sure you take some child psychology courses too. It is a noble calling to work for children's rights, but it is a very tough job and people get burned out.
Or maybe you could get a job as a clinical researcher for children's psychology issues. You'd be working with a person who had a graduate degree.
Good luck to you dear
Michele
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I'm 18 years old.
2 years ago, I started dying my hair VERY often. (I used semipermanent dye and it faded quickly) Prior to that, it was very thick and healthy, but now it's thinned out & become slightly damaged. I also get the feeling that I'm losing more strands a day than I used to.
So I have 3 questions:
1) Will my hair ever revert to being thick again (even if I stop dying it) ?
2) Are there any good shampoos to use to make it more healthy?
3) Any other comments are also welcome. (link)
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Here is a great fix for damaged hair and it shouldn't cost a lot. This is for a deep conditioning treatment. Of course if you continue to use product and hair dryers, it won't stay conditioned, but doing this about once a month is a great way to healthy hair. Use so vegetable oil, olive oil is best. Warm it up in microwave, and then apply to your hair. Clean is best, but dry, not dripping wet. Then wrap in a towel. If you like, you can warm the towel in the micro wave. To keep the heat in, recommended if your hair is really damaged, put a shower cap or plastic wrap over the towel. Leave on for 1/2 hours. Then shampoo. If you have long thick hair you may have to shampoo twice.
good luck.
Michele
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Can someone tell me how to make myself tight "down there" again? It used to be hard for him to get in when we started and now he can pretty much just slide it right in with a little lube. I feel bad and I am afraid he will leave me for someone younger and tighter. Please help me! (link)
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kegel exercises. you can google the term and find all kinds of information on Kegel exercises. it won't happen overnight but they do work. Try it.
Michele
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Hi there my friend has a prescription for "clamovid" in her purse. I saw it while I was looking for her keys. What is it exactly? And what would it be for? I know I am being nosy but we do have sexual relations and that does have the word "clam" in it if you see where my mind went. :)
I need to know if I should get checked out because of what she is taking? Anyone? (link)
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Your suspicions may be valid. Clamovid is not sold in the united states. And now that I think of it, I don't know what country you are from, but is does contain amoxicillin, which is anti bacterial, which means is it used to treat infections. And yes STD's are included in that category. if you do live in the US. Then your friend may have gotten this drug on-line, which means she is hiding something.
yes get yourself checked, and hey here is a clue. Get to "know" a person before you have realtions with them. Even a couple of weeks can prevent you from making a big mistake.
Michele
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Ok I'm doing this history project on child labor during the industrial revolution and I want to include this political cartoon I remembered from like a year ago. Problem is I'm having trouble finding it. The cartoon has two moms, both with their sons. One mom is giving her son a soccer ball and telling him to have like a fun time playing soccer. The other mom who is in another country is giving her son a lunch bag and telling him to be careful when working in the soccer ball factory. I really need to find this political cartoon. Or if possible can find other sames ones. (link)
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try going to google, then click on google images, then type in the search window. political cartoons child labor soccer, or cartoons child labor soccer moms. Stuff like that. There are lots of pages, but skim thru them maybe you'll find it.
Good luck
Michele
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I have to go into the hospital and they are going to put an IV in my arm. How bad does this hurt?
Has anyone had an IV before? (link)
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It only hurts when the first put in the needle, but they put it in at an angle. It goes into your vein, then they tape it or something so it won't move, and you'll soon forget about it. Of course there will be some instructions for you, depending on where the IV is located. Like don't bend your arm, if it is in the crook of your elbow, or they could put it in your write, then you would have to keep your hand immobile.
You,ll be OK. I'd be more concerned about what they they putting into you through the IV.
Michele
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I had this happen and I didn't know what I should do so I basically just stood there completely quiet and blushing! :( I SO like this guy!
Now he just walked away and doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't see him ever talking to me again like can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if that happened to you? I guess if I am lucky though it might happen again someday so can anyone tell me what to say to a guy asks who how you would feel about a kiss?
(link)
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You know what I would say?
I would go up to him with a big smile and say...
I'm ready for that kiss now.
And just look open and happy and accepting. Look him in the eye. He needs to be sure that you are not teasing him.
I guess he felt rejected. That is why is not talking to you now. It must have taken all of his courage to go up to you and say that. And he surprised you. And you didn't react fast enough. And that is OK, because you are both young and just learning how to be comfortable with members of the opposite sex.
And once you do have that little kiss. You can say.
I am sorry that I did not say YES when you offered the first time. It is just that you surprised me.
"But I couldn't think of anything that I would like more." Then say.
"And while were at it....why not a hug too?"
If you think you'll be nervous, then practice saying it. There is nothing more attractive to guys than a confident girl.
Michele
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f/17so the other day when me and my boyfriend had sex, when we were done i went to the bathroom to pee. when i was done and was going to wipe my vagina there was uhm..like saliva danglind from someones mouth..something like that commin out of my vag. (link)
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To me you are describing sperm. Young men eject sperm from their penis when every time they have an orgasm. And the ONLY way it could be coming out of you dripping like saliva...( and you described it perfectly) is if you are having UNPROTECTED SEX. (yes I am yelling) Please do not do that again. that is how you get unwanted pregnancies, not to mentioned sexually transmitted diseases. You must insist that he use a condom. Or you will not have sex with him again. You better hope and pray girl, that you are not pregnant now.
Please do not do that again.
Michele
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Hey, we all know that december 21, 2012....12/21/12 is a very well known date. i dont understand this that well.. i have been researching on it, i talk about my friends with it and i saw the movie 2012 already...whats your viewpoint on this? Do you think the world is actually going to end of is this a myth? (link)
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NO I do not. There is absolutely no scientific evidence that this could happen. The movie and the concept made me curious and there have been lots of stories on public TV and science channels like discovery, that are proving that this movie is all just bunk. Designed to sell, (what else?) movie tickets!
If you watched more scientific programs, you would learn this. So if you really want to get to the truth. Expand the list of places where you get your information from, and learn the truth. I have a great idea. Why not tell your science teacher in school that you saw the movie, and you would like him to tell you and everyone else....what is really going on.
Michele
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I was wondering my girlfriend has a real big clit and her lips stick out a little bit and its a lot easier to get her to have a orgasm because her clit is easy to play with, other girls ive been with in the past there lips do not stick out and have a tiny little clit, does this mean when i messed around with them it didnt have the same effect? (link)
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You are right and a very smart young man. Size matters in men, it also matters in women. Some women have large clitoris' and yes they have orgasms much easier. Some women have small ones. Usually oral stimulation is best in thost cases. You may not be ready for that, but I can tell you if you fall in love with and marry a woman with a small clitoris, she'll be very dissapointed if you don't offer oral sex. it is all about making sure that each of you are satisfied.
Hope this helps.
Michele
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can someone sum up in an quick summary what this article is about?
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/16/nyregion/16garbage.html?em
thanks, i really dont understand it and it looks really interesting and really affects me. (link)
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This sounds like a homework assignment.
This story takes place in TriBeCa.
There are some famous people living there. Actors or musicians, not sure which.
They are using their celebrity or their fame to fight against the location of a garage that will be storing household garbage in it. Because household garbage contains or attracts, roaches, rodents and ferral animals. And it smells. Awful.
And they don't want it in their neighborhood.
Who would?
Michele
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ok...so I am 18 and pregnant. The baby's father just kinda walked out. I have a plan...I am going to live with my mom (and yes, she's aware), I have two jobs and am saving up.
My question is do you guys have any suggestions on where I can get more assistance both in the form of food and financially?
I am already in the process of applying for food stamps, health care for the baby, and WIC.
Thanks much! (link)
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Hi honey,
I am wishing you well, and I hope you are up for this. It will be a lot of work, but it can be very rewarding. You won't be the first, or the last, but you can be a success. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Once the baby is born, you should also be eligible for assistance with day care. You should be able to apply for that at the same place that you applied for the food stamps and WIC. It would help to know what state you live in. There is the Federal Family Medical Leave act, if you work for an employer that has more than 50 employees. They have to allow you (I think) up to 13 weeks of 'unpaid' leave when you have your baby. I am not sure of the number of weeks, I think it is 13. give or take a week. In any event. they HAVE to give you back your job when you are ready to return to work. If your employer has less than 50 employees, then they are not obligated.
But you can look into the assisted day care even if you don't have a job once the baby is born.
If you do or can go back to work after the baby is born, I suggest you look for a place that does have more than 50 employees since you may have to take time off for bringing the baby to the doctor for well care visits and shots. And they can't fire you for that, under the Federal Family Medical Leave act.
The other thing is, that if you apply for welfare, you will have to give them the name and address of the father. Your state will go after him for child support. he won't be able to work a regular job without having his pay attached to pay the state back for providing you with assitance. Don't worry about it. let him pay. It is the least he can do.
There are also program that provide diapers. Not sure which but look into that. You are going to spend a FORTUNE on diapers.
One more thing. If you decide to go back to school, I mean go to college. Well there is a lot of financial aid for single moms. Look into it.
You sound like a smart girl, One who is strong and can handle hard times and difficult situations, you'll do just fine. And improving yourself is almost a guarantee that your child will have a better life. And go on to college themself.
Let me give you one more piece of advice. Do not have any more children, until or unless you are married, and even then not for five years of marriage. It is hard enough raising one child by yourself. Don't make your life harder by having another child.
Also, don't look back on your life and have regrets. You still have years and years of life and love and enjoyment ahead of you. Stay strong, keep moving forward. You'll be just fine.
Oh and one other thing (of course...can you tell I've been there) Your child will be knowing and watching everything you do. Long before you realize it, you are setting an example. Be the parent that you would have wanted to have yourself. Both mother and father. Be the parent that you would want your son or daughter to be. Because he/she will be watching everything you do, and some day will act just like you. It is true what they say in the commercias. "you are not their friend, you are their parent. You might think that punishing them or being hard on them will make them hate you. God, no. they love you to death. They may not like what you are saying at the time, but too bad. They WILL get over it.
Think of the future. Do you want to be proud of your child some day. Then be a parent. Set a good example. That old corny saying is really true ( that is why they call them old corny sayings) The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Hope this helps.
Good luck to you dear.
Michele
PS: my boys are 20 and 24. I miss holding them up in my arms, while they looked at the world and smiled.
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How can I make my breast smaller? There not terribly big but I still hate them! I'm a dancer and I HATE it when my breast "jiggle" on stage. I really want to make my breast smaller. I will work out 24/7 if I have to. To tell you the truth I want the breasts of a nine year old (thats not relistic I know). Please tell me! I'll stop eating, I'll work out 24/7, I'll eat my dog!!! (well that last one was a joke haha) PLEASE HELP!!! (link)
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Breasts are made up of mostly fat tissue. maybe cutting back drastically on fatty foods will help somewhat. but since you dance so much, maybe you are already skinny, and there is not much more you can do. Do large breast run in your family? If so I am afraid that that is the body that you get. I think when you are older you may just be very happy that your breast are large.
You could try a stronger bra that will keep you from jiggling. A bra with lots of support. Sports bras ( in my opinion) are not named correctly because they do not provide enough support.
Hope this helps.
Michele
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