spacefem's advice column

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Q: I am a 35 year old woman. I recently had a brief sexual relationship with 35 year old man. It ended because he had to move back
to another state. Three months later, he calls and wants to touch base with me because he plans to visit my city for a couple of weeks and will call to look me up and get together. How quickly do men forget a fling? Is he just calling for a booty call or is he somewhat starting to get hooked?

booty call, definately! so if you're looking for something meaningful avoid this like the plague. someone coming into town for a couple weeks isn't looking for anything deep.

or maybe he's just afraid he'll get bored and wants someone to talk to, which is okay. but he's definately not looking to hook up.

Q: Why do little girls come to a feminist website to ask how to shave their legs, what bikini to wear, or how to impress their boyfriend? And why do you humour them?! I do not mean to criticise - I am simply fascinated by the whole thing!

You're not required to have the Good Of The Movement in the front of your head for every decision just to be a feminist. Yes, a truly empowered woman wouldn't care about bikinis or leg-shaving or maybe even impressing boyfriends, but under the "let's get real" category I take what I can get. At least they're reading my website. Yes, it bugs me that young girls are so concerned with boyfriends, but I was 14 too once and it's tough to repress that deep-down urge to just fit in. As long as the seeds for feminism are there I've grown to be happy with just that.

Q: Yeah, that's my question. So, I'm thirteen and shaving (just lower legs) for the first time. I kind of liked the results, but the next day it had grown back enough to be noticeable. I shaved it off again; and ended up with little red bumps where the follicles are. Is this normal? And do I have to shave every day? I'm trying to figure out if it's worth the trouble. (I have really dark hair.)

The little red bumps are signs of razor burn. To avoid it, make sure you're shaving with really hot water, preferably later in the day, and using plenty of shave gel and a good sharp new razor. You might also try not shaving quite so much... every day is pretty extreme. It might not be as noticable as you think.

Or you could be a tough, real woman who doesn't care what anyone thinks and grows out her leg hair, those chicks are cool as hell! I'm to gutless to be one though.

Q: So I am a mac user and love it. I know you use linux and thats cool because it is not windows. But what do you think about macs?
Meh. Thats a cool word.
-Meh
Ps- your birds are so dope

Actually, you can install linux on a mac. It's called Yellow Dog linux and it's got a lot of fans out there.

I like macs but they're expensive. I mean, you can get a really nice PC for like $800 now, but macs are like $2000. I guess it just depends on your needs. They're nice computers.

Q: It seems like people hardly ever rate advice they are given. I have seen people who have answered 200+ questions and only have about 15 ratings. Don't you think that if someone is nice enough to take the time to answer your question, you should at least be nice enough to take 30 seconds to thank them by rating their advice? I don't think it's too much to ask.

Well, keep in mind that ratings have only been around for a month or so, and a lot of people answered questions from way before that. Also keep in mind that unregistered users can't rate advice, so if the question was asked straight to you, there's a good chance it might not be rated.

That said, yes, I wish people'd rate advice more! If you think of a way we can encourage it or make it easier for people, feel free to make a suggestion.

Q: I'm okay with guys normally, but I do have a problem with thinking guys are asking me out out of pity or because they're going to use me. (bad experiences) Any tips on how to help me be a little more trusting?

Well, just don't let them use you. Maybe you don't trust them for a reason. There are some shitty people in the world, you can't just trust everyone, you have to go with your gut instincts. Go out with them, but set your limits, that's more than okay.

Q: Hi my ex-boyfriend still likes me but I really don't know if I should give him another chance?, First he cheated on me and then lied to me, but he has a twin brother who REALLY likes me and I like him too, but they live far away and I can't Even get one serten guy to fall for me, I NEED UR ADVICE!!!! I'm 15 year old female

Do people not read my column? Can you read? What on earth makes you think you should go back to a guy who lied and cheated? What amazing trait does he have now? Did he win millions of dollars? Is he offering to take you to europe? I somehow doubt it.

You don't go out with people just because they have "feelings" for you, you go out because they're good people. This guy isn't.

Q: there is this guy at school who i really really like and we talk alot and hangout together and act like were going out but were not!! im scared he's going to ask me out and i would really want to say yes but my mom and dad told me i couldnt go out with him because his brother drinks and does drugs and everything!! what should i do???

You might not want to go out with him, if his brother does drugs, hate to say it. If you ever go to his house and the cops show up to get his brother on drug charges, you're an accomplice, they can pick you up too. If you go out with him, be very careful.

Q: This is really embarassing for me to ask but oh well, here goes...

When I go swimming I wear a bathing suit (duh). But I notice that my pubic hair pokes out through the material (in front). It isn't that noticeable but it's embarassing and you CAN see it. I don't think shaving would help, I think it would just make ot worse. I tried trimming it a bit but that didn't work either! What can I do to stop this????

Probably get a new swimsuit... at least a dark colored one. Chances are people aren't noticing at all unless your suit is bright yellow or something.

Q: So I was good friends with this guy for about 3 years. I really liked him. While we were friends, we were also "not dating" on and off. This past month-ish, we hooked up. More so than ever before. We'd spend hours making out in his car, at his house,...etc. Then a mutual friend told me she had recently talked to him and he said he had no feelings for me what soever and he didnt care how i felt. All he wanted was a "fuckbuddy". (Well without the actual fucking). I guess he assumed that our friend didnt tell me anything because hes acting no differently. Boys suck. what do i do?

~pissed off~

Talk to him? I dunno... he could be lying, your friend could by lying, you'll never know unless you ask him. Don't assume all the gossip that you hear is true, that's very bad practice.

Q: boys are idiots. why?

Everybody's an idiot sometimes. Maybe you're just paying more attention to the boys.

Q: I am a junior in high school and I've been really thinking about what I want to major in when I go to college. At first, I really had no clue, but now I've been sort of interested in engineering. I know you're an electrical engineer so I figured you'd be a really good person to ask. There are so many different kinds of engineers. How did you decide which one was for you? I know that there aren't a lot of female engineers, too. Does it help being a woman or is it harder? Honestly, my dream has been to work for NASA and I've been to the site and they say that they're looking for engineers, but they never say what kind. It's kinda far-fetched but I would really appreciate any kind of advice! Thanks!

Ah, engineering. Well, I went into electrical engineering because I loved the "really deep" math and physics units... the more philosophical stuff, waves, light pulses, pretty things. It was a random reason. That, and I got a department scholarship my freshman year if I "tried out" the electrical department, and when I tried it out, I loved it, so yay for that.

If you're not sure what you want to do in life, I'd recommend either electrical or mechanical engineering. Just about every company in the world needs electrical and mechanical engineers. Like drawing pictures and using all the coolest, newest 3d modeling software? Mechanical. Like playing with different stuff, seeing things light up, having endless subjects to read about? Electrical. That's the short, short, short way to decide.

You mentioned NASA; they hire mostly electrical, mechanical, and aerospace engineers, but I've been there and they have every other type too, they're like a country within themselves. Chemical, biological, structural, industrial, the whole bit, it's great. That's why they aren't very specific sometimes about what kind of engineers they want.

As for being a female, I've found that it doesn't matter so much. It's a bit weird at the start, because you're the only girl in class so people aren't sure how to approach you, but after a few years the guys know you and accept you and everyone is happy. Same with the work force. Engineering is a place where you really get judged on brainpower, not gender or disability, and everyone moves around to different projects so fast that being left out of one or included in another doesn't make a huge difference in the long one. One sexist guy can't really hold you down. It's really great, I'd encourage any woman to do it. Very fun and fulfilling.

Q: Hello. We bid you good day. We would like to know if you pronounce "Spacefem" like
*Space-Ef-Em* or like *Space-Fem*. Hehe. Thank you for taking the time to enlighten the thick-headed, advice-needing mortals around you.

~The Appreciative Penguin

P.S. Uuh... If you ever come here to ask a question, you'll note that they spelled "Grammar" wrong here: "You'll get better advice if you make some attempt to use proper spelling and grammer." Just being Happily Evil and pointing it out! ^___^

gotta fix that!

It's Space-Fem, although if you're french, you might say Spaz-Eh-Fem.

Q: You know what woman have every month . Well mine is late . I'm a virgin, but I am so worried . My dad won't stop sweatin me , and he knows I be at home or at school . I don't get out much . What should I do ? I can't stand this . He's (my father) has nagged me until now it's starting to bother me . I know I shouldn't worry if I haven't done anything wrong, but has anyone ever went through anything like this before .

It's almost a proven fact that the more you worry about your period, the later it will be. Here are my tips to get it:

1) Break down and tell a friend you're worried. Then it'll come.

2) Buy new underwear. Periods love to come when you're wearing cute new underwear.

3) Plan some great event, like a pool party. That'll get it.

4) Above all, try not to think about it, because the more you think about it, the later it is.

Q: I am a 13 years old girl and I have a profound interest in music, especially rock. I also enjoy being just myself. The problem is I can't stand MTV and I feel upset that a lot of the bands I like are played on there and they are mainstream, with groupies and big tours, and fame and money. I wish they were underground. (The Strokes in particular here.) There is a certain closeness artists have with their fans when they are underground. But somehow, mainstream is all around me, it's like I'm expected to be mainstream and society is force-feeding me anything famous. Now I understand that a lot of these bands are famous because of their talents, but also I feel a barrier because (this is gonna sound immature) but I have big crushes on certain people in these bands. Another thing is I don't want to be the typical teenager because I CAN'T STAND stereotypes, and I hate labeling too. What do I do to avoid what comes with my age? And how can I escape the expected but at the same time be true to myself?

Okay, first off, if you try to hate everything popular, you're just as bad as the people who like everything popular. I'm serious. So don't dwell on whether the band you like is on MTV or not, MTV is going to pick their little pets and you can't do anything about it, if anything you should be happy for the guys in the band because hey, they might finally make some cash :)

It sounds to me like by trying to avoid labels, you're obsessed with them. Stop. Just like what you like. Go research more underground bands and labels, go see who's signed on with kill rock stars or one of the other studios that don't always launch their bands onto MTV. And if you like a popular band, that's okay too. Not everybody likes the Strokes, they're still kinda different, you're still kinda unique.

Q: I'm not sure whether this beinglongs in activsm or not but I think that when the airplanes hit the twin towers on 9/11, the terroists actually thought what they were doing what the right thing to do. I know that they shouldn't have done it in such a destructive manner but isn't that what we're doing now? We're completely destroying Iraq and are we immature enough to say when we all realize that this was an idiotic thing to do, "Well, they started it!" Does anybody else agree with me?

-Insecure-

When we put murderers in jail, we don't do it just to punish them. We do it because they're dangerous people and we don't want them out on the streets. Same with the war in Iraq. It wasn't just fought because we were mad, it was fought because it was home to militant extremists who we thought could be terrorists. We're trying to not be destructive, trying not to hurt civilians, which is very different from terrorists who try to hurt mostly civilians. We're not trying to destroy Iraq, we're trying to change leadership, so the terrorists don't have quite as many friends there.

Many people are for or against the war but it's not a black and white issue, there are many reasons for and against it.

Q: I had a blow-out with a guy that I have been seeing for the past 4 months. I told him to loose my number. However, afew days after the fight I learned about his past relationships and the bad things women have put him through and I feel like s*** for starting the fight. He turned down my advanaces so that he could watch the all-star game. I know I was wrong but how do I get him back and not sound like the biggest a$$ around? Help.

Get him back? What? There's a reason you broke up, my advice is to not get him back at all.

Q: Why do so many people ask you about boyfriends? And a whole bunch of other shit like losing weight. People should ask real questions that are crucial in their lives.

Agreed. But you're preaching to the choir, here.

Q: How many times do you need to be rated before the rating shows up?

five. but the ratings only count if they have to do with questions asked in the last thirty days.

Q: I love this site but there is a big problem. I don't know how to register! I've looked in almost every article on this site but still don't know how. I would really like to reply to people's articles and post some of my own but i don't know how. please help me!

~Katie~

Well, on the main page there's a thing that says "To ask us a question, just register and then ask your question..." Click Register and you'll get started. Or you can click "register" underneath the login button. Or you can click "1) Register" on the main page underneath the "
want Your Own Advice Column?" thing. Or, if you see a question, and click "answer this question", it'll tell you to register, and you can click the word "register" to get started.

bio

I've been in the advice column over five years now so I think I've pretty much heard it all... the love, the hate, the random insanity. I don't take it too seriously, so I'm not always giving the best advice, but my column is fun to read!

I am a 23 year old electrical engineer, a feminist, a Christian. I don't know everything but I can sure pretend to.

Disclaimer: Now that I'm on advicenators I'm getting even more questions every day. It's fast and easy for me to answer them, yes, so at least I'm answering something now, but if your question contains the words "there's this guy that I like..." chances are I won't get around to it. I'm only answering interesting questions that I haven't answered before. Register at the site and ask everyone for advice if you must have an answer, because if people read my column and boring love advice was all they found, they'd never come back.