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Impossible situation
I’ve been dating the sweetest most amazing guy ever for about a year and I am so in love with him. But the more I get to know his family the more I realize that they are taking complete advantage of his kindness and it’s becoming a problem in his life.
He works hard already in a demanding job and he is supporting both his sisters in one way or another, whether with money or medical issues, or other things. It’s like he is the parent. Although both his parents are still in the picture too, it’s not like he had to step up because there is no one. One of his sisters is a full fledged adult about to turn 30 and she doesn’t even drive or have a job. She expects him to pay for her whenever and always wants to go to the most expensive places and he often will make it happen.
Neither of us are pretentious or care about fancy things but his sisters are. He is constantly doing everything for them and it’s stressful for him as he has admitted himself but he says it’s family so he can’t say no.
I want to be supportive because of course family is important, and it’s not like I don’t like his family. But often they are not even appreciative of everything he does, it’s just expected. And he often breaks down saying the weight of the world is on his shoulders but I cannot push him to set up boundaries because I feel like it’s just not my place. I am being supportive listening to him how hard it is but I’m reaching my limit on not pointing out that he is letting this situation be his downfall. He needs to be more selfish but it’s just not in his nature. It wouldn’t be an issue if he was fine and not stressed and able to handle it but I see how badly this all is affecting him and it’s making me mad.
I don’t really know what my question is, it’s a delicate issue. I guess does anyone have any advice on how to handle this type of situation? I don’t want to upset him by saying anything about his family but I don’t know if it’s right to keep letting this go on while it’s clearly hurting him. He’s had multiple breakdowns and he is not doing well emotionally with all the stress.
Thanks for reading.
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It's family so I can't say no. Where did that belief come from? Of course a person can say no. It really depends on what the situation is. Lets say a sister is a criminal and asking him to help her drive the get away car. Would he do it, knowing what she is about to do? Would he feel compelled to aid and abet a criminal, knowing if caught, he'll also get an arrest record, but he had to do it because she is family? Seems pretty silly now doesn't it. Believe me, family members who are not living responsible lives will take advantage of any family member they feel is weak enough, not strong enough to stand their ground. And believe me, it hurts whether its silently turning the cheek and not defending yourself and getting duped into having an argument, or maybe they want something from that family member but have never given anything to that person, they are not responsible adults. A person has the choices to either be irresponsible like a family member or to be the opposite. His sisters have the same choices and so far it looks like their choices. Its one thing if a working sister who pays all her own bills had an unexpected thing come up, like having to replace a windshield, falling and twisting an ankle. Yes of course, now its a family member in true need of your help. The help your boyfriend gives now, only helps them stay stuck where they aren't growing in experience, unable or unwilling to be adults. Being an adult is about problem solving. I know that my hubby and I have had many things come up and we have to find a way to make things work. So if the sister who doesn't drive, has to take the bus or join a car pool to get to work, then that is what she does, or she gets her license and gets a car, thats what grownups have to do.
Now what was said about a man feeling emasculated, yes, you jumping in to help in whatever way youre thinking of, is true. When women want to tell a guy their problems, they only want someone to listen because its a complicated situation or they wouldn't be doing this 'thinking it through aloud' and speaking until the answer comes to you. But when men hear it, they also assume you must have meant to ask for help, not a listening ear. It could be your boyfriend wants a listening ear but is not asking for help. He may not feel there is any help needed so he is not asking. About all you can do is the next time you hear him say, "they're family so I have to help". Ask him if he can explain why he has to help. Ask if he sees any situation in which he should not help out certain family members and if it depends on what kind of help is needed. I know these are tough times and often family can be tight financially, but then again, some times a person can end up on the bottom, even homeless and have to work their way back up. You should be able to let him know that your concern is not only for him but also yourself. That it hurts you to see him so tormented emotionally from all that he is doing for them. I know what I am talking about as I have gone through similar stuff with family...yeah family who is supposed to love you and support you. The support he is giving them is more like helping them stay stuck in a ditch. When I realized I was helping certain family members stay stuck, as they had to wish to change for the better, I had to stop doing what I was doing. It is hard. The hardest thing may be any choice you make for your own peace of mind. If something is bothering you about this, then you have to stay away from it. That means not seeing this man you love so much. He needs to know that you are not giving him an ultimatum, you are simply looking out for yourself, something you wish he was doing more of himself and since you believe something totally different than what he would say is going on between him and his family. I have had to do something like this, not speaking with anger, just letting my honey know that his being so uninterested in maintaining his health, has me worry so much that on days I worry the most, my blood pressure goes up and I already take medicine for that. In looking after myself first, since no one else will because no one else is really supposed to in the first place . . . I said I love him so dearly that it is tearing me up inside to think I could lose him due to his neglect of taking better care of his health. I realized this for sure when he ended up in hosp with appendicitus. That is thankfully not a death sentence these days but even so, my blood pressure shot dangerously high due to the stress and worry. I told him that if the time came when my bp would not come down, then I would have to leave just for my own health even though I would hate to be put in such a situation as having to leave him to preserve myself. I wasn't asking him to change, only to understand that what he was doing now or more to the point "not doing", was something that I would in time have to distance my self from by not being around him. That got through to him and I am seeing some changes in him. He asked to be given a second chance which he has because I don't want to be put in a situation where I want both him and want good health for myself but I can only have one, like having him but I get depressed and maybe die so now I don't have him anyways, or seeking to preserve myself from stress of the situation by leaving while inside, my heart is tearing into pieces. Please know that it is not you that keeps letting this stuff go on, your boyfriend is allowing it to occur. Not you. You are just standing near by watching the whole thing play out. While his family has problems, maybe even emotional problems, those problems do not affect other people because his family is not approaching others for help, only him. If a sister was mentally disabled, it still is not for him to be her financial support. What if she had been a single child with no siblings? Who would help her then? Well, the same agencys that can help now. Disabilities were not mentioned, so as far as I know, the one sister sounds like a very lazy person. Now that I think of it, that whole family could benefit from some counselling on how to be whole and healthy and happy and productive. But if no one has asked what you think about it, or asking you to help, then you can not. I know, its hard to not say anything. I have three grown adult children who at times I see are in dire need of some good advice, but all I can do is ask, "I have something to share that might be of help to you. Is it okay for me to tell it?" And I have always been turned down. So I could not warn them to not take a certain step, all I could do was worry and pray. But I can worry so much that I can't focus on praying. Yes, I know how awful it is to be witnessing this stuff, worried about him and not able to do a thing about it other than pray. I wish you the best and that your BF will see the light and end this dangerous cycle himself.
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This is really tough to hear, I would hate to watch the man i love suffer like this. But unless he’s asked you for help, I’d stay out of it completely if I were you. He has told you how he feels about it; it’s family so he can’t say no. A lot of the time us as women hear or see our man’s problems and we want to jump into action and fix it because we love them but that’s not what they really need. It’s emasculating. They really just need support. Let him be a man and handle it. If he’s having breakdowns, he’s probably close to having a breakthrough. A man in his life will be able to talk some sense into him, not you as his woman. Unless he directly asks you for help, i would suggest you leave it to him.
I want you to watch this lovely lady on YouTube. Her name is Adrienne Everheart. She talks about things like this. Masculinity is more fragile than you think. I was trying to find a video where she talks about this but I’m sure if you watch a couple of videos you will get the gist. She has changed my life. Have fun :)
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