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Wife's past is ruining our sex life.
Good day all,
I'm asking this question because I have nowhere else to go.
So here follows the situation:
The day I asked my wife out, she confessed that she had been in a sexual relationship with her previous boyfriend. Although I had been saving sex for the woman I would marry, I assured her that I understood her situation and accepted her past. I was, however, fairly foolish, and never asked to what extent she had this relationship and wrongfully, by judging what person she was, assumed that it was a case that certain things happened that she was not proud of, but all within relative bounds.
About two years after we had been married, and our sex life was taking strain, I finally put one and one together and realized that she had been living with the above mentioned person for 4 years and that they basically had a married relationship. It was quite a shock to me, but I could not hold this against her too much as she had told me what her past was (though without enough detail) from the start.
We managed to remain relatively happy married for 5 years now. Our sex life is worse than ever. Her sex drive is gone and I am begging. I recently attempted improving it by asking what actions during intercourse turned her off. i.e was there certain activities that she disliked because of a previous bad experience. She then dumped a bucket on my head by revealing that she has been avoiding certain things that I've asked her to do, during sex, not because of a bad experience, but because she had done it so many times with her previous partner that she was sick of it.
Now, please understand: up to now we've struggled with our sexual relationship because she is a very shy person and can barely let me touch her body without feeling guilty or irritated. Or atleast that is the perception I have of her. I've been patiently working on getting her to loosen up for years. And she has loosened up a bit,although it later became obvious that sex was an effort for her.
After she revealed this new information I have come to realize that her past is quite different to what she lead me to believe. And I feel like I have walked into a trap. I was willing to love and cherish a woman with or without a high sex drive. But it has become clear that she did have quite a strong sexual nature. Unfortunately not with me.
It is destroying my soul.
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Dear "It is destroying my soul" Your wife's previous sexual activity is not the problem, as I see it. The problem is your wife's disinterest in sex or low sex drive. This is a common problem for many married couples i.e. "incompatible sex drives." I believe trying to encourage your wife's sexuallity is usually not that successful over the long term. Accepting your wife's sexual nature and developing your personal masturbation techniques and frequency is a more viable option. Also, maintain a caring support presence with your wife and enjoy the infrequent times you both desire/agree to make love. In short, decrease love making in marriage is a common phenomenon. Good luck in your marriage.
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I would like to speak from some experience here. Everyone has a past. Hopefully people mature and grow so that they are no longer as they were in the past. That said, unless their behavior hasn't changed, it really is not their past that is the problem or interfering. One must handle problems not with the past but with what is going on currently.
Off subject a bit before I go on, I do know that it is mostly religious groups that decide to not have sex until they marry. I did this too and ended up with a man I was sorely mismatched with sexually. He has a problem of being unable to relate as far as loving others and to this day, tho we're divorced, has lost every girlfriend he's has and also has no idea yet how to show any love and care to his adult children. I have since changed my mind realizing that it is hard to know by just looking at and talking with a person whether they have sexual chemistry or not. In fact I taught my daughters to approach this the same as purchasing a car so to speak. One wants to know whats under the hood or what is inside the person ie their personality and character, and when it comes to how good a match there is sexually, to give the man in question a test drive (sex) as one usually does when they really like a car, you drive it first before you commit to buying it. And this all leads to talking about your problem.
I am no sex therapist but I am open minded, spiritual and unlike the ex who had a low libido or sex drive, I needed a man who had a sex drive that matched mine and that is one thing I've learned I can't determine ahead of time without being sexual. So basically you are in the same boat as I used to be in.
Now to share a bit more of my current situation to shed light on yours. First off, we are the perfect match, being able to be best friends as well as perfect lovers for each other in that we desire each other and have the same high libido or call it sex drive. Like your wife, we both have a past, and I venture you do too even if its a non sexual one, but our past consisted of each of us with previous partners being involved in polyamory swing clubs. However since meeting each other, we have no desire to be with others. My past experiences showed me that the terrible sex with my ex was really mostly with him. Yes, there were others i had no chemistry with but I did experience some things I knew I wanted in a husband. I experienced something I can only explain as a mixing of each others energies, aura's, something unseen, like spiritual. I was simply dancing clothed with a man when I felt like something was squirming, rotating in between our chests. I was surprised but not one to keep silent on situations I was not sure of. So I asked him if he felt anything right then and he told me the exact same things he was feeling. This is that special connection I experienced one more time with another and I was spoiled for life. I would never be okay with basically the kind of sex that pales in comparison due to it
being a routine act of touchings and meeting of sex parts, etc. This was something a step above even having great chemistry.
By your wifes response as to the issue, it would seem she does not feel any special connection to you. I can't say what is going on at your end, but the both of you if you really want to give this relationship a fighting chance, should see a sex therapist. However, even he or she can't help you if the basic ingrediants needed to be the right lovers is missing. It goes beyond the sex act to loving the other person as much as yourself. I'll put it clearly so you cna't miss the point I am trying to make. You can make the opposite ends of two magnets meet. You can force it but won't get anywhere with one slipping one direction and the other going the opposite way. I used to play with magnets as a kid trying year after year to find a way to make the opposite ends meet. Its impossible. People don't tend to always think of sex as something more than indulging in a visual attraction, taking care of ones horniness, if any person or vessel will do, and seldom see it as a way to give your partner the most loving gift you possibly can.
So the problem is either something fixable or it isn't and the two of you are simply mismatched and don't truly belong together. If so and neither wants to give up this relationship, then seeing a sex therapist is your only chance of improving things. I will say here at the end that our mind are our greatest sexual tool. If we can really focus on what makes us feel loved then we will want to express that love back to our partner. SO this starts back at the friendship part. I do feel cherished because of how my new husband treats me. We are together 10 years and although there have been times when the sex is just routine in how it feels to each of us, we still focus on giving as much energy and love to our partner in the act and that makes it woth while, even if one of us personally didn't feel mucy. Most the time though, we feel some kind of energy swirlingk not only between us, but each of us have at times felt like our parts were there, meeting when in fact they weren't. I have cuddled at night to his back and not been a ble to stay there and pull away because energy flowing from his back entering into me was so strong it was keeping me awake. I know this is all not what most people have but anything close to it would be heavenly and I wish was the norm for all people but it isn't. Most people marry a best friend only or lover only when to make it work, both are needed. So something is missing. I am not the therapist though so both of you talk, in depth don't take a word or two or a phrase as an answer. Dig deep and learn all you can about each other and agree to see a professional for help. It is nothing to be embarrassed a bout as the majority of people out there could use either a therapist or at least some studying on how to communicate better with people and partners. That is why my answer is so long, I can' t conbey all you needed to hear in just one or two sentences.
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