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Moving forward on a decision that you made (responding)
Hi thanks a lot for the advice... I read it entirely and I agree with what you said and I actually did have list in my head at least but it was not so detailed.The thing is I dont want to be the person with such a rigid list where no one seems to reach nor do I want to be the person that accepts any and everybody.Thus I just have a few things that i cannot compromise and well physically ...if I am attracted to you I am... The reason I allowed myself to get this far with this guy is because I really want a bilingual family since I am obsessed with languages, also he is quite the romantic type ...with him everything seemed to be everything I could have hoped for but as you rightfully said the thing I hate about him would eventually get to me to the point where I dont feel the way I do about him now. I just feel so confused you know ...Part of me wants to just forget about him and everything else but the other part of me is like this what you want for the most maybe with time he will grow up and what if he gets someone who does not plead with to better his lifestyle and well he reap what he sows then I would have given up an opportunity to be his helping hand. I have been a case like this and I was able to help the person , we didnt work out in the end but we are still friends and the situation was similar...
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I will start at the end and my responses are from similar experiences in life. You said, I would have given up an opportunity to be his helping hand.
That is an admirable trait but I had to learn the hard way that it isn't the lack of someone to encourage and hold your hand that makes a person with issues willing to change for the better including seeing professionals for help if that be the case. I know because I spent 30 years with an ex husband who did not change for the better and late in marriage a retired counselor friend talked him into seeing a psychiatrist. He went only long enough to try to fool me because I was going along interviewing the Drs as well to find the best one for us. At the point he was supposed to go see the Dr. by himself, he faked it and I heard him say over phone that he was only pretending to be seeing the Dr in order to keep me.
What I am saying is that in the world, there are plenty of reasons to see good behavior in others and want to better oneself, it does not take having a gf/bf or a husband/wife because the decision comes from within us, not outside of us. Outside one self, a person sees plenty of good but also rotten nasty people. We have the ability to see the good stuff and ignore it or already be wanting to improve and so when we see things we want to strive to be like also, we make that decision to change. So the first friend has a mind already set on wanting help and wanting change.
I was married only months before the behavior he was hiding from me and my family came out and he was like that the rest of marriage. At first I thought like you that in time he would grow up and mature. Yes some people do but those are the ones who use other people as models they want to shape themselves over and then make the steps right then to start getting help to get better.
Its hard to know who might change in time and who would not or even why one would chose not to change for the better. But then change of any kind has always been scary to mankind and why so many of us get held back in life by our fears, myself imcluded. Generally most of people who already have the disposition in their teens to learn to do things the right way, not just guess, to improve who they are as people and sincerely apologixe to any they hurt along the way.
I did ask my husbands mental health Dr. at the beginning what hope I could have for how soon my husband might get better, as he was verbally abusive with me. The Dr honestly said it is hard to know with a patient. Some people really want to apply themselves and improve somewhat and in a handful of years could be improved or cured, while others can see a Dr their whole life time and if it is only their willpower holding them back, they go their entire life not improving at all. So worst case scenerio, is there hope for your marriage or not. It was my last hope try to see if anything would improve and with such odds unpredictible and the ex pulling out of the Dr. appts. I knew with the exs mindset and no intervention of a Dr, that there was no longer any chance of improvement.
As for the list and worry of it being rigid, there are two lists, one you have of must haves, which is not present in the guy, makes it a deal breaker and not get ting together with him. The other is not so rigid and is preferences, likes but if you didn't get them, you could live without it. I wanted long hair in a guy and I got that, I had a man who likes to dance, on this second list and he does not dance. But I married him. THe stuff I am talking about are things that there is no halfway or compromise point on such as wanting children but the man doesn't.. That will tear up a marriage in time. Difference in beliefs or religion is another for some. If both would say they believe in God but have never ever wanted to be active pursuers of a church life, then it could work but if both believe so differently that it requires one or the other to actually change some things about themselves to fit in and renounce their earlier beliefs, that is not right....that's the same as my going to church in my earlier days and mindlessly okaying and stating anything I heard in church that was not written in Bible. I never thought to think for myself or question why they believed a certain way and what proof was there to back up their beliefs. i should have, but I didn't until I got into my late thirties.
It is more than just. You can't end up ony halfway pregnant or have a compromise of half a child if no wants and the other doesn't.
I also wanted a man who always spoke the truth to me. No lies. And the only thing he's done that is inherit in the male species is to with hold info that was thought would hurt me, scare me, freak me out. Not just the husband but a past bf and a male friend, they will withhold and not out, of hiding something if they t ell the truth but basically that's why I only wanted just someone who told the truth and if withholding would give the truth if I asked. If I didn't ask, they'd not tell something that might make me worry about them. I am allergic to cigarette smoke and know too many friends who quit and months or years later were smoking again. so I put no smokers on my list which pissed off some guys who wrote me nasty notes about it. I believe its not about being too picky but looking out for my own health. I didn't want to date a smoker who decided he fell in love and would try to quit to make me happy. What happens when he sneaks cigarettes and I find out or starts again blatantly smoking in front of me and telling me if I d Fon't like it to open the windows or doors. Feeling sick and having a spouse who doesn't care that what they are doing is making me sick means they really don't care about me, its all about them. I looked at all such tiny details of what could happen in the future. I am glad I held my ground. Everytime when I got frustrated thinking there was no one f or me because no guy could meet my criteria, I would go out with guys who came close but didn't meet all the criteria and eventually problems cropped up and I realized I couldn't give up on what I need. What you want is the frills but not necessary like the long hair or a man who is a dancer.
Then again, I did pray and ask God if I should marry the guy who became my ex. I heard a yes. I know realize that I was meant to learn something that I couldn't in this life but not dating or marrying the guy. Diamonds are formed when there are extreme pressures in the earth that cause this. Likewise, people need to live through hardships and pressures that shape us into the people we need to become as long as we are not resisting change. I had to learn to truly love myself and I did. It was hard because there were plenty of viewpoints telling me how it was selfish, too picky or mean on the kids to divorce. But I did what I did as self preservation. I already suffered every stress related illness that doesn't kill you outright, like migraines, ulcers, all over body stress rashes, etc. Cancer and heart attack do have stress as one possible cause and both run in the family. I wanted to see my kids married and be around as a grandma which would not happen if I died. God said I had 4 years left and I wasted one waiting for a second child to graduate HS. But I believed what I heard, that if I stayed, I would develop one or the other and die. The stress has to go somewhere and it will be either mentally/emotionally or physically where it goes to settle. IN a relationship with some one who is not right for you, there will be stress.
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