|
Classmates & Tension
Hello, this is my second question for you- because you gave great advice last time. I was wondering what I should do when I get really stressed out about unresolved tension or weirdness between classmates and me. I still have to see them everyday at school- what should I do? (It can be a bit too hard to just stop caring)
Example: Guy asked me out and I told one friend and they ended up telling more people without my permission- and I ended up rejecting him and people knew. Now he hardly looks at me and I feel really bad because he was cool- I want to talk to him but I don't want to tell him now because it's been like a firkin school year or more since and I don't wanna show him I care THAT much about it. It just feels SO AWKWARD for both of us.
Then, other dudes won't even look me in the eye for some reason, like they never knew me or don't want to be associated with me. Should I go up to them and try and talk? Because I tried that with one of them but they STILL ended up ignoring me. I don't know what to do- they are not friends, just classmates who would tease me last year (a lot of people tended to do that in freshman year- my friends say I'm "fun to tease"). Could it be that they were ACTUALLY picking on me and there's just something wrong with me? (This has happened with like 4 dudes or something, seriously).
IN ALL: AM I JUST MAKING THINGS AWKWARD?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Work/School Relationships?
There was a mistake made. I will show you how it happened so that you can learn from it. Mistakes are okay to make as long as we learn from them. The problem is when we keep making the same mistakes. In your case, the tension you feel from classmates has you at least thinking about why it's happening and that is good. I don't mean to make you sound terrible for what I will now share, just know that almost all people I know, when they were your age, me included, did variations of the same mistake. I learned from mine.
Heres the first question I want to answer: I was wondering what I should do when I get really stressed out about unresolved tension or weirdness between classmates and me
Well the key word here is unresolved. I am sure you realize it means that a problem that was started has not been ironed out yet, or in other words, taken care of with apologies by those involved. So maybe we should move on to figure out what started it all and was the cause of tension.
You don't say tension between you and friends, only other classmates and guys in particular.
This is important as you will see in a moment. Heres the next part that stood out:I told one friend and they ended up telling more people without my permission- and I ended up rejecting him .
It was your reaction as you wrote it that I think might be the issue here. You did not say you talked to the friend about all the people she shared the fact that you were asked out by (lets call him Pete). Learn to do this next thing well and you will come to answers easily on your own. This is called putting yourself in the other persons shoes. This means you replace the other person with yourself and try to imagine how you would feel if the same were happening to you.
So lets do it. We'll pretend that you asked Pete out, got brave enough to do it and Lo and behold, he actually said yes. He was so excited he told his buddy who blabbed it to all the rest of classmates. He now felt embarrassed that he was going on a date and how others might rib him and tease him becuase he's got a date and they don't, that he couldn't handle worrying about what others might say, so he decided to make what his friend said, to look like a lie and the only way to do that was to approach you and tell you he doesn't want to go out with you and who knows what else he might say, rejection is rejection. HOw do you feel being rejected by him with no explanation, or if there is one, it is so flimsy you can tell it is false and there is something he isn't telling you. You tell all the females in school you know to avoid having anything to do with him because he is wishy washy, can't make up his mind and maybe gets a kick out of saying yes only to turn around quickly and dump you before the date. So all of your friends feel sorry for you, and just by what you shared about Pete, they end up avoiding him and everywhere Pete goes in school he meets an icy wall of stares and glares from pretty much a great amount of females. These girls have nothing to do with him so he can't figure out why there is so much bad tension when ever he is around any of the female population.
This is my best guess of how things went. So if a guy asked you out only to reject you before the date could happen, how would you feel.? If honest, you would not be happy at all, you'd be upset and confused, maybe wondering if it was something you were observed doing, or lies told about you by other classmates that had him decide to back out. You would forever be wondering because there was no explanation. Well guess what? This is probably just how he was feeling. He just might be wondering still what could possibly have gone wrong. Considering its a teen girl, guys might just wonder if hormonal stuff that caused it and know all girls pretty much act hormonal at times. This is true if you consider that from the onset of puberty through the entire teen years about up to age 18, females are flooded with hormones so their bodies can mature but this flood affects the emotions and those go wacky with extreme highs and lows. Example: Irritation is no longer just that, it becomes violent, angry, mean and being sad changes to unending tears and maybe depression for no reason other than the hormones. Guys don't understand when a gal acts as you did. So I am guessing all the males in school have now heard the warning to avoid you because you are unpredictable, mean, not fair, hormonal, what ever they thought was a reasonable explanation for your behavior and above all, no males trust you. They don't want to get treated the same way. Guys may like to act tough, but they have a soft spot inside their heart that can get hurt as easily as yours. So all these males you were chatty with last year, now avoid you and I am betting my guess is the correct one as to why.
When you ask at the end if you are making things awkward, unfortunately, yes it goes back to you and how you treated Pete.
To fix up all this tension, you'll have to be honest with yourself, ask your self some questions and then ask yourself how you could have handled it differently.
So first question: Why did you feel so embarrassed that others heard you were asked out by Pete? Is it that you lack self confidence and are afraid of what other people might be thinking. (I can relate as I used to be this way into my twenties) I was so worried just about what others might think that I would do anything to not stand out, and in your case, not standing out means not going on a date and possibly being the talk of your class. You will have to get over your fear of humans, and feeling like you are a speciman under a microscope. Its not the easiest thing at your age but eventually you should grow out of it.
Next, ask yourself why your friends needed permission. If something should not leak out to all, then do not share with anyone. If anything and you do share, the thing to do is be clear that you want her to keep it secret and why you want it kept secret. If this is a real friend, they will undestand once you explain why but to be able to tell her why its so important to be kept secret, you'd have to understand yourself well and not be afraid to share with a friend that you are afraid of what others will think and say like making a big fuss over it and teasing you unmercifully about it. A Friend who really knows you will understand you are dealing with worries over what think of you and not feel free to go say anything to others. I do not know if you told your friend to say nothing to others, that she is the only one who can know. If you did and she talked anyways, it should be her that you got angry with and had a good talk with or dropped as a friend.
If you had not told her to keep it quiet, then she is not to blame. She was simply as excited for you as you were and wanted to simply spread the good news.
Third, ask yourself if it's really about so much time gone by, a year or more or that you don;t want to explain now, or that you are looking for excuses to not have to face him and explain. I don't think explanations have an expiration date, at least, I've never heard of it. Going on and on and explaining and/or apologizing over and over odes have an expiration date. After the first time, you don't repeat it. You only do it once.
Four, ask yourself why you don't want him to know that you care that much, care enough to treat him as you would like to be treated in his place, to recieve an explanation. What is the worst thing that could happen if he knew that this has been eating you up and bothering you in side since it happened. I can venture a guess but its what you think that matters. I think if a guy knew I still cared about how I handled things all this time later, it just might show him that I am a real person, who makes mistakes and owns up to them, apologizes, asks for forgiveness and that means I had all sort of other good emotions to share. I am not the stone statue-unmoving, the ice maiden;acting so cold, cruel and harsh with him. I might even make a good enough by confessing the root of it all, the fears I had (yes you have to own your fears) and since he is human and has had fears of his own, he will simply know you are human, same as him. Throughout my life, I have learned people can relate to what it is you are going through because they have thought, said or done the same. IT doesn't make you seem weak or awkward as I thought when I was young. It actually does the opposite and makes me come across, bold and strong and ready to make a difference.
You say it feels awkward for both of you. You can't know what he is feeling, you'll have to ask him how it affected him and what he felt. THat is important so you can know how one little action of yours caused pain in him and a domino effect with the other male classmates at school. All I will agree with is that you feel awkward and now that you realize, you are the one who started it all, its up to you to do what you know you would want someone to do to you if you were in his shoes.
]
More Questions: |