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Does he like me back or not? Part 1
Hey guys. So I'm a 14 girl and basically there is this guy (let's call him Noah) that I've liked for a year now. In 6 grade we used to always hang out together with our other best friends(we were like a group, always together). Everything was fine. Then this year we weren't in the same class. I started noticing that I was often thinking about him and about all the good times we had spent together. It didn't take me much time to realise that I liked him and by that time he was pretty affectionate towards me. But then me and on of my bestest friends (let's call her Jane) decided to stop being friends with one of the girl in the group (let's call her Amy)because she was trying to ruin our friendship by getting in between us. So the day we told Amy about that, she was furious and she stormed off. During lunchtime I saw her hanging out was Noah and after that day he started to seem pretty distant. For a while he wouldn't even acknowledge my presence even if I said hi to him he would just pass by and totally ignore me. By that time he only had said hi to me only twice and that was only when we were alone. Some time passed and I tried talking things out but he would answer me with short answers and it was pretty obvious that he didn't want to talk to me. A few weeks later Noah started to say hi to me but now it was me who didn't want to talk to him I was pretty hurt. So every time he tried to say hi to me I'd try to do as if I didn't see him or didn't hear him but then he would say " oh wow (my name) doesn't even say hi anymore" while laughing. I just started to feel so uncomfortable when he was around. Then my birthday came around so i decided to celebrate it. I wanted to book some places for my birthday there wasn't any place so I had to book the place one day earlier ( no big deal right?) So I gave one of our mutual friend the invitation and asked him to give it to Noah as well a few days later he comes and tells me that he'll come to my birthday I was about burst out of happiness but he later made even happier. He asked me when was my actual birthday what meant that he knew that was not my actual birthday date. So it was finally my birthday I was waiting for him but he didn't come. I wanted to be sure that he wasn't late or something so I called him but he didn't answer instead he texted me saying "what is it?" so I asked him if he was coming or not and his answer obviously was no. He didn't even wish me a happy birthday or anything all I got was a "nope". After my birthday I of course had to go to school. And i met him and he said hi and didn't even apologise. I was hoping that he would apologise or at least wish me a happy birthday even if it was late. But deep down I knew that the only word that would have came out of his mouth was gonna be just a hi. Now he started following me on Instagram. I thought that I would follow him back it's been days since I a sent the request but he still hasn't approved the request. I'm starting to think that he was playing with me sometime he would interact with me but then he wouldn't even acknowledge me. I'm really lost sometimes he's so friendly and nice but sometimes he's cold as a stone. Should I just try and move on? What do you guys think. I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice.
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Sounds like the guy is fairly dense in the head, and just doesnt get that what he does will effect you in positive or negative ways. And axctually, for pre teens, HS aged and early college aged, that is pretty much what you can expect and I will explain why. It really isn't the fault of the person of any of that age range up to mid twenties because of a scientific reason. The reason is that although our bodies mature at this time, a part of our brain doesn't, it is the frontal lobe of the brain which is responsible for good decision making, good reasoning and being able to see the possible effects or outcomes down the road of anything we say or do. So until he reaches his mid twenties, he may continue to be like this, not just with you but with all people and in all circumstances. Though there are some who are more mature at this age, and I was, I can remember still making some really bad decisions simply because I couldn't see anything else to do or another way to act. I wsa unfortunately handicapped as far as thinking things out is concerned.
So what you can do is not come at him and blame him and make him feel bad, and definitely do the same thing back to him, thinking it wlll teach him a lesson because, he simply will be incapable of finding the lesson. He doesn't have a clue.
What you need to do is some plain talk, very plain, to the point and heres a warning: Do not tell him that HE made you feel a certain way, that sounds like blame and will shut his mind down to being opsn to anything else you say. Instead, you can say that when he did such and such, the way you interpreted it made you feel bad, ignored, or whatever your words are. This trains him to know that his actions effected you, something he currently doesn't know. YOu can always ask questions. But stay calm and don't sound mad or like you're interrogating him, make it sound just curious. And you might apologize for ignoring him when you were upset. He needs to learn now so that once he is older, does something a female doesn't like and she unfortunately only ignores him in return, at least he will have a clue that he did something she didn't like. Yes, males need this kind of training and what they learn from watching parents or get from girls they date while young, will determine in part how great a boyfriend or husband they will make some day in the future. My 2nd husband is a good man but I have once had to tell him of something he did that I didn't like and he has never even once, ever done it again because he really cares about how anything he does affects me.
Since you noticed things changed after Amy talked to him, I would say something like, "I am thinking back to when I felt something changed. Mayve its my imagination but something felt different. It happened right after you talked to Amy one day at lunch about (mention the time frame--like 3 weeks ago) I don't know if she said something to you about me in particular that bothered you or made you feel different towards me for a while but I felt something different. I want you to know you can tell me if there really was something. I won't throw a fit or get mad. See, I really care about our friendship and I don't want any misunderstandings to come between us. So if you heard something bad, I would like to be able to tell you my story. Then you can decide for yourself who is making trouble and who is telling the truth. I would hope you know me well enough to know what to believe about me.
If he says there was nothing, then you'll have to accept that. Just make a list and stick to it when going on to tell him how you perceived some of his actions. He seemed distant (you are not saying He was distant because in truth you dont know what made him feel that way to you. Maybe a grandma died and his thoughts were all on her)
You can give other examples of things, like him not seeking you out or talking to you as often as before or only talking to you when no one else was around. And whether something felt pretty obvious to you or not, its best not to say that obviously his being short with you meant he didn't want to talk to you. That's a quick way to get him to shut down and never talk to you again.
Instead you can say, "You are normally pretty talkative and have much to say so it bothered me when suddenly you had short answers and seems distracted and didn't talk much at all. You need to know that not knowing why, made my mind race and all sorts of terrible possibilities filled my mind. (This tells him it is better to explain if he is going through a rough time personally and if you sense something, it hsa nothing to do with you, even if he can't or won't spell it out for you, not having that deep a trust or males tend to not want to bother or make a female worry and so they intentionally don't share certain things. All my boyfriends have done that, my sweet wonderful husband does that. It's a male trait that comes naturally to all males I've ever known. So part of what you will need to be doing now, is discovering what is actually a male trait and what is deliberate bad behavior. I am guessing he really has no idea that certain actions of his bothered you so much. I had a boyfriend who changed like this, very quiet, distant, even if he was with me.
He was so different, I knew I wasn't imagining it. So I asked him what was going on, that I had felt like he was being distant and all. He finally broke down and told me, with tears in his eyes, that he had thought it was better to slowly become distant than just break it off. And he quickly explained that since he was separated from his wife, she finally decide she did want to work on their marriage and now was agreeing to go to couple counseling, that he would go back to her as they had kids together. He also said that it was a painful decision as he had fallen in love with me but if things could be worked out with the wife, he knew that was his first priority. So this story is to show you that often there is a good reason why a male may become distant. In a males mind it makes sense but what they don't get is that while they think they are protecting us from the truth or bad news, they are causing another problem by not being level with us females.
I am pretty sure that most of what I am saying is behind your problems with Noah. So find a chance to talk to him. If you are still upset and angry, don't do so until you can do it with a heart that is peaceful. People may not know the details, but if you playact and fake it that you are okay, people will pick up instead on the i vibes coming from you and your heart.
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