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Feeling Second Best
I was dating a 30-year-old for 3 weeks. I found out that I was the side chick--Meaning he was dating someone else.
He wasn't with this person for a very long time, either, but when I found out, I couldn't help but be disappointed. I was told he was distancing himself from her and was planning on breaking up with her, so we could date, I couldn't help but still feel wrong about the whole thing.
I told him I was removing myself from the situation because it was just all very confusing. He told me he was removing himself, as well. He said he had her stuff ready to go to give it to her. From what it looked like, he really was going to break it off.
But then he texted me saying he couldn't, because she was a wreck and he was giving her a week's notice to have her realize that he wasn't a good match for her.
I got frustrated. Not because I wanted him with me, but because I felt like the other girl deserved better than him. She deserved to know what was going on. I figured he wasn't planning on telling her because he booked a trip to where I was going, on the same flight as me a month later.
I called the other girl and told her what was going on. She was understandably upset and said she was going to speak with the guy. I don't know if they're still together or not, I'm hoping they aren't.
But when he got caught, he blocked me from all social media. I'm not sure if it's due to shame or because he's trying to get on her good side. But I feel like I was second best.
I have had ex-boyfriends who have chosen another girl over me or have risked our relationship for someone else. It hit home. I don't know if it's necessarily because I know I'm bad at handling rejection (it doesn't happen very often), or if it's because I was blocked by him. Or I wasn't chosen by him. Maybe it's all three. But I shouldn't care, because I know I don't deserve to have that kind of person in my life.
I just want this feeling to be gone. What should I do? Can you help me make sense of this?
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He is pissed that you told his girlfriend what was going on. That's why he blocked you. You have shown some guts and backbone and stood up to help out another female, so he won't be back because he knows he can not manipulate you or pull the wool over your eyes. I am proud of you!! Rarely do I see a gal do this. I know some may say it was tattling and not a nice thing or it wasn't your business. But its what was in your heart that mattered. It wasn't vengeful but concern for another female: "I got frustrated. Not because I wanted him with me, but because I felt like the other girl deserved better than him. She deserved to know what was going on. " And done for that reason makes it right. If the other gal has some backbone too, she may not want to settle for less with him either and probably left him.
There are plenty enough of males who have no idea how to be a real man. They have male parts but inside where it counts in personality, there is nothing, other than wanting to indulge in oneself, and that is usually having to do with sex. There are so many males who have no idea what 'being in love with' or 'being committed to' means. Saying I love you, is just words for them. Don't get me wrong, there are good men out there. They may not look like a male model so they get overlooked.
I have to guess that you are along for the ride in a relationship. You aren't the one asking a guy out, choosing someone who seems to be promising, and checking them out further by dating and once you see stuff you do not like, telling the guy that you just aren't a good match and leaving him. That's how it works. But usually its the guy doing this. My first marriage was real bad and lasted 30 years. I am now 9 years with a prince of a man. It's possible to find a good guy but you must be patient. That doesn't mean sitting on the sideline, waiting for someone to notice you. Be the leader, be bold and self confident. That's what worked for me to find my second husband, a guy who is my soul mate. That's what I think females want, that kind of love. If you seek the same, you have to be what some call harsh but they are the ones who can't meet your standards. Have standards, criteria for the guy you date and want to eventually marry. Make sure you spell it out when you first meet. If a guy is scared off, then he wasn't good boyfriend material in the first place. A test done by a university on what really appeals to men, showed that although some may have gravitated to the bomb shells of females with no self confidence first, in the end they were attracted to the more average looking females with self confidence. This means not being afraid to ask for what you want and not making any excuses for it. If you think that is crazy, I was on a dating site. That's how I met my 2nd husband. I had a ton of guys wanting to meet me who said they met my criteria. Some did, but there was no chemistry, nothing that made the heart do somersaults. There were a few who were mad as I said, because they obviously could not meet my criteria. But stick with it, and ask guys out. I did searches on line and contacted any guys who looked like they might meet my standards. Do the same and you will be able to find someone who fits your criteria. If you are around 21, men of the same age are not serious yet about finding a female to settle down with and commit to. They are still mostly playing around to enjoy being with a female, without any goals like trying to decide what qualities they want in a female. Its no problem meeting with several people a couple of times while meeting others all to decide which is most promising to focus devoting time to only until you know for sure that this is the one. If you're doing it but he isn't that's where the problems are. YOu need to ask a guy why he likes to date. Is he looking for girl for social reasons, just to go places with and for the sex, is he looking for the one woman he can settle down with or is he looking for another female to add to a list of booty calls? Let him know that is okay if that is what he wants, but to be fair and let you know because you don't prefer to be one of many females he sees. YOu say these things at the start, as if you are training a person for a job position. Details are not over the top. Males today have no idea how to behave right for a female and the ones who really want to be the best man they can be are going to make mistakes if you don't tell them ahead whats the boundaries. Remember they are getting their ideas from broken up parents or friends or whats on TV and have no idea how to be real men. Females need to give them a clue so they can work to be the best man for you. I hope this helps you dear.
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