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Why is my past sexual abuse coming back and how do I deal with it
18/f/South Africa
When I was 9-13 I was sexually abused by my brother in law. The first time I came out with it, my sister didn't believe me. The 2nd time, nothing was done and the 3rd time, she finally left him and it stopped. I had a hard time coping with it in grade 7 (13) and started cutting. My best friend at the time knew about it and helped me. From grade 8-11 I was fine and thought i got over it. All of a sudden in the beginning of this year I started remembering things I forgot and it started affecting me. I started cutting again and it is always on my mind. I became really close to this new girl in my class, and she knows about it, so she and my best friend are the only people I can speak to. I actually can't handle it anymore. I break down almost every night because of new thoughts of the abuse. On my birthday in June, he messaged me to say happy birthday and that he regrets hurting me and I believe him. It sucks because I feel bad for him and miss the good side of him because he was like a dad to me. I just want to talk to him about it and just get closure, but I know my mom would never allow that.
Question is, why is this all coming back now and what do I do about it? I can't afford to go to a therapist and I don't want to tell my family about it.
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No, no no, do not get together for a visit with the man who sexually abused you. He might be sorry for his past but seeing him won't bring closure, it can only make things worse for you. The only thing that will really help you to deal with an abusive past is to go see a counselor. I was verbally abused and after leaving my ex, even I needed counseling to get past that. As for why you didn't think much of it before and now its' flooding back, well that happens to be a coping mechanism everyone is born with. Children who often have no chance to turn to anyone for help when they are under 18 and still minors will find their brains are wired to forget, ignore and bury the traumatic events. Then once they are legally adults or close to that time, the past will come back, surfacing from the depths so that you can now go have it dealt with professionally.
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You answered your own question when you said l "just get closure." Unfortunately talking to him will not get you the closure you need. As a dad 7 Uncle if I found out some one was sexually abusing my daughter or niece that person would be in jail. Your sister just divorcing him did not bring closure or any type of professional help for you in getting closure.
I'm going to suggest two things for you to do to get the closure you need.
First I would like you to contact an organization called RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network. Their number is 800-656-HOPE (4673). This number is answered 24/7 365 days a year with qualified councilors who will help you get the professional help you need and if you wish help you file sexual assault charges.
Second you need to stop cutting. By getting counseling you will stop cutting as you start to get closure. Until then when you feel like cutting do this instead. Get a big rubber band and let it hang from your wrist. When you feel like cutting snap the rubber band against your wrist. Doing this is safer, does not leave a scar and you will get the same satisfaction you get from cutting.
Pick up a phone and call RAINN now and consider filing charges against your former brother in-law. Do this not just for yourself but for his future victims. He did this to you he will do it to others and he belongs in jail.
You do not need parental permission at your age to contact the police. IF you would like help in doing so talk to a trusted teach or your school principal. They will help you make the police report.
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