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why does everyone have to comment on this?
Every time I’m talking to someone if they’re blunt enough they’ll ask me “why does your voice sound like that?” Or “are you tired? Your voice sounds tired” or “why does your voice sound sad?” Other people would compare my voice to kourtney kardashian who has an extremely monotone voice. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so self-conscious I don’t even talk at all. I remember in grade 6 these two boys were making fun of my voice asking why I talked like that and ever since then I barely talked. I only talked when I had to. Then again in high school whenever I did talk different people would comment on my voice. Then it gotten to the point where apparently my face doesn’t have emotion either when I talk so according to people I look robotic. So this again made me self-conscious and then I’ve developed social anxiety because of it. I remember from 6th grade to high school I had on and off depression. Not bursts of sadness but actually depression. I’ve read online that depression could cause you to lack emotion in your voice and lack expression on your face. Now today I’m 19 years old and a new guy started working at my job as soon as we met he was like “you talk like you’re scared” and then later on in the day he’s like “omg your voice sounds so tired why do you talk like that?” Now it’s just bothering me. When the guy said I talk like I’m scared the manager was making a joke saying “she’s even scared of her own shadow” just because my social anxiety makes me scared of interactions. I don’t want to write a novel but long story short there was an incident where I was cashier for the first time and It didn’t go well with the customer and I had a panic attack. My social anxiety is getting better I can talk to random strangers and start a convo with anyone it’s just keeping the convo going is the problem. My question is how does everyone sense that I’m scared in a social situation when I’m literally just minding my own business? Sometimes I’m not even scared and people would say “why are you scared or uncomfortable?” I don’t even show it in my face but somehow I look scared? Whenever I talk apparently I’m monotone or sad? Why can’t people just stop judging and mind their own business? not everyone has an enthusiastic voice.
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At the end you said 'not everyone has an enthusiastic voice.' So have you asked yourself "Do I like my voice and want to keep it no matter what?" If your answer is no but you feel you have no choice, that the voice you have cannot be changed, then perhaps I can help.
I was in a remote town living for a while. Student nurses were often sent there to earn some work experience. I was walking over to a souvenier shop where hubby and I were friends with the owner. His place seemed to be the meeting place for lots of locals. As I approached, I heard a strange female voice, not monotone but overly the other way, too much enthusiam that it sounded fake and it was high pitched like a little girls. I am not one to tease people, I got teased as a kid but I was born having social anxiety because I remember it from the youngest age. Even so, the voice was so out of place different than most adult voices that I wondered what this person would be like, genuine or fake like the voice. When I met her, I liked her instantly. We became friendly and soon I didn't even really notice the voice as being different, I could hear it but it fit her and then I couldn't imagine her with a different voice. A good majority of people feel like its their duty to point out things like this and I believe it highly due to generations growing up with reality TV, not really living their life but trying to live it through others. Then there are the shows encouraging you to call in and place your vote, like Dancing with the Stars. I have watched and everyone dances better than I could hope to. However to whittle down and place a vote, you have to be critical of a persons every more. What is grat is now not so great because someone must win. Our society is now filled with many adult who interact with people as if they have to eliminate others by being critical. So yeah, all these people and how they verbalize comments in a tease like 'she's scared of her own shadow' is cruel but they don't see it that way.
You asked "how does everyone sense that I’m scared in a social situation?" It's both your face and the vibes or energy you let off that clues them in. They see what they interpret as you in pain, unhappy, uncomfortable or scared but most likely have no idea why. I learned this from a magazine article on gaining self confidence. People are attracted to someone with self confidence, no matter how they look. I was at someones party where there were two grossly obese women as guests. One had men and women crowded around her enjoying her and her energy while the other who had low self esteem and low confidence had no one wanting to talk to her. I found myself reacting the same way. It's human nature. I wanted to meet the big lady who attracted lots of people and yes, she had a husband too. The other lady sent out vibes that I interpreted as not being social and not wanting to talk. Even if I am in the mood to help and be a friend, when I have approached people like this in the past, their mind is trying to second guess and paste different interpretations on every word I speak. If I can find something to complent them on, maybe the hairstyle or a necklace, they refuse to accept it, brushing it off verbally. Pretty much, people can tend to put an invisible wall up around them which only makes the problem worse. Humans have the ability to pick up on unseen, non tangible things, which means stuff you can't see and touch. So like a radio picks up radio waves, you also send out waves, only yours says, dont talk to me because I don't want to be laughed at or teased.
I can tell you I am cured of my anxieties and gained self confidence which helps the self esteem too. Before I go into suggestions for you, I can tell you that I expected to be teased. But what was worse, I took everything any person said, and my tortured mind interpreted a friendly comment or tease to be vindictive and mean towards me. Why? I don't know. I was born that way but I found I could change that. Once I learned how to overcome social anxiety, I mentally chose to do something specific every time someone teased. I joined them in the laughter and I usually said or did something to make them laugh more. Laughter takes the tensions away, so even if you don't smile much, they know you have a sense of humor and are able to take good natured teasing. Now i realize that for ages, I have never felt any tease was mean or vindictive. To help you understand, I will pretend I am you in that work situation. So here goes: Him:“you talk like you’re scared” Me: crossing my eyes and talking in what is my best cartoon character voice, "Aw, I thought you'd like my Deer caught in the headlights face. I do it all on purpose you know." Looking silly and talking silly, he will know I am teasing back. He might not have later said "“omg your voice sounds so tired why do you talk like that?” "I will answer you if you can give me a good scientific reason why you talk like you do. People don't decide to sound odd or different. They just start talking and the voice they produce is just theirs." Manager: “she’s even scared of her own shadow” Me: I am? Oh right. then I look behind me and do a fake startled scream, 'Oh my gosh, its that scary shadow again, help! Someone please protect me!" yelled as I go pretend to hide behind my manager. By teasing and being like a comedian back at their poorly chosen words, its a very subtle way to point out to them that you really took note of their comments and they just don't make sense and there is no real answer you can give. Its like asking a really tall person why they aren't shorter. Uh, genetics? The answer should be obvious be many people ask stupid questions. If someone asked if I was unhappy, I might say "Thanks for asking. I'm just fine. You'll know if I'm unhappy cus this is my unhappy face." I put on a big frown, pout my lip and then break into a fake cry. When you choose to not react by being fed up with the questions, at least those who know you well enough will stop. I have met several adults with high pitched squeaky voices and as long as they have a friendly good natured personality, I find in time the very different sound doesn't bother me. I accept it as part of them, same as someone who is born with a deformity. It would be ludicrous to point at someone with a missing finger and say, 'You have a missing finger" It would be stating the obvious and I would deserve to have that person look down at their hand and go, "Oh, my gosh, you;re right! Where did my finger go? And they pretend to look for it. Do you see now, when someone is rude by stating the obvious,regarding your face or voice, reacting with teasing them for their stupid question will only make them look worse for stating it in the first place. It's a subtle way to teach them manners.
Now a fact about communication-
Facial expression and body language makes up more of what we communicate than what we actually say. You can do the research yourself and see that I am right. In the past, I had a stern face. Many who are of German descent like myself tend to have intense stern formidable faces when our face is relaxed. These are faces that rarely sport a smile when relaxed and since a smile as body language tells others that you are friendly and approachable, People have mistaken some as not being approachable. Every time you walk past a mirror, take a quick look at yourself and don't change your expression. Just imagine that same look on another person. If you can think the thoughts that they look tired, sad, scared, then perhaps you might benefit from lessons on how to change that. Same goes for the voice. If you are not happy and want to change your voice, then look up voice lessons on the internet for your area. I am not saying your voice will no longer be yours. Because of the shape and size of your voice box, there are only so many possibilities that will be alternate voices but still yours all the same. I looked on the internet and up came a site 'voice lessons in your area" because of my computers location, it was ready to give me a choice of 26 options. Monotone voice can be dealt with.
This next one, Megan, sounds like the student nurse I mentioned earlier only a bit more bubbly. Not monotone voice, expressive but she shares of how rude people were in school, even teachers
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Here's another Megan where she is at peace with her voice with a couple of guys, using a machine that alters the voice, for all of them. Hope this gets you to the point you are either okay with your voice or at least work on the monotone with voice lessons can do. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I hope this gives you some hope that things can become better although you have to be an active part in making that happen. If you wish to deal with self confidence, let me know and I will write about a trick i read in a magazine article. It worked surprisingly for me, so great even though the solution sounds corny and lame. If you write me again, PLEASE do not do it in the comment section for this answer. Find my column by looking for dragonflymagic and there will be a button on my column to contact me with a new request. I wish you well dear.
Medical reasons on youtube--a Stephi Lee shares publicly why she sound as she does. Heres you video: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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