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Having overprotective parents?
So after I’ve read your advice on how to slowly but surely overcome social anxiety I wanted to ask you how can I deal with overprotective parents? They’re the reason (mostly my mom) why I’m not putting myself out there. I’ve tried multiple times getting out of my comfort zone like I went to my schools orientation week in my first year of college by myself. Long story short my mom didn’t let me go to any of the other events that took place so the friends I made there forgot about me, I even tried reaching out to them online and no response. It’s my second year (I’m done second year next month) and no progress with my love life cause like I told you before I’m super shy, awkward and reserved. I can talk to girls no problem but guys it’s just so hard for me. I wanted to join clubs cause I think that’s the best bet I could meet people since I’m not a freshman anymore however, all the clubs at my school meet around 6pm which is late for my mom so I have to be off campus and on my way home. So now that second year is basically done I wanted to be an orientation leader because I heard from people that’s how they made tons of friends because it forces you to get out of your comfort zone and talk to people you don’t know. My mom flat out said no because she doesn’t want me on campus that late. She’s controlling my life she’s the one who forced me to go to this school I didn’t want to go here, she didn’t let me live on residence but she’s letting my younger sister live on residence (I think it’s because of the depression and lonlieness I went through for not having any friends that she’s allowing her to live there) she’s the one that forced me to take a job in fast food I didn’t want to work there. We even have a joint bank account where she just takes my money that I want to save up to pay bills. I don’t know what to do about her everyone I’ve talked to said I’m not living a college experience at all which is true, I think I’m a very boring person cause all I do is stay home, study, go to school/work and the cycle continues. I dont really have the friends to go out with I have my friends from high school but they never invite me out anymore. Please help and thank you in advance
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I am going to take a guess on history here: When you were a teen, the parents probably didn't slowly give you the chances to start making some decisions for yourself while they still had the parenting role to teach you and prepare you for adult hood. They likely made all the decisions for you. Then when you graduated High school, they panicked, realizing you were not prepared to go out into the world and be a adult, or at least they thought you weren't. They unfortunately misssed their chance to teach you to be an adult and instead of apologizing to you for that and letting you know, they'd like to act as your sounding board for you to run your ideas past them to get another perspective (such as you're doing here) they/one or both of them became controlling. Both are bad behaviors, being overprotective and controlling. While you were under 18, you could not do anything about it. However after you turned 18, you became an adult. This means, you should now be making all your own decision. However, you are so used to the parents doing it all, its like your mind was lulled to sleep about it. It's long overdue for you to have a talk with the parents.
However, if you try to assert yourself and take back the reins of leadership now of your own life, you most likely will have a nasty battle on your hands.
So your choices are as follows:
Continue to allow MOm (and Dad) to meddle in your life and choose everything from where you live to who you are allowed to date to whom you marry and only become free of this when they both die and that means 30 or more years of this. So you will be 60 or so and never have had the chance to be an adult and run your own life. I know this doesn't sound appealing but quite a few make this choice. I recently met a 65 yr old woman who talked all about her adult son age 40 or so who lives with her and has never lived on his own or married, etc.
If you are having your schooling paid for by the parents, they can threaten to not pay the rest, thus making it look like they have the control here. This will feel like a no win for you and that you have to continue to dance to their will and be quiet and just finish school. If you have 2 or more years yet, then it's that much more time of them feeling they'll never lose control over you and will be all the harder for you to break away.
If their home is where you live while attending school, again they have one over you, and can insist you follow their wishes or they might hold the threat of kicking you out over your head. Yes, some parents do this, hoping the adult child will comply due to fear of having a place to live. Some parents may never actually do this, but its a heck of a way to find out to find yourself kicked out as many have done. Your option, start already now looking for a place you can stay for no cost. This means having a relative with an extra room or allowing you to stay in a rec-room and make it cozy. Or another option would be working part time and finishing school later if you are paying your way in school and paying a little money to an elderly woman with her own home who needs extra money and will give you a bedroom. You could always post at school you are looking for a roommate or two and be ready for that in fall. I know all this may mean putting off graduating in time that you might wish for but the trade off is gaining independence from your parents.
Your independence is not just a matter of moving out of the home into another place because Mom will likely be calling you all day long to check on you or showing up at your door to check up on you. If this happens, you let the parents know you will call once or twice a week and set the day and time and let them know that the only time other than that where they can call is for emergencies
. If they abuse it, then change your number and don't give it to them or anyone else you think might try to get it for them.
Another thing parents do is mention that if you live in their home after graduation of HS, that you are bound to follow their rules. This needs to be clarified if you run into this while declaring that you will be making your own decisions while living there. House rules since they own the place, are within their right to have no matter how dumb they are. If they say, no friends or men over, you abide by it, no noise after whatever time, same thing. Share in doing the chores, yes, you must do them, but just your share, not all of them and end up tied to their place because you are acting like their slave and waiting on them hand and foot.
I would say that having been so sheltered might be part of your problem with meeting guys but it is also part of things you have done or failed to do that is causing you to have problems with self confidence. It takes a lot of guts to stand up for your right to be an adult and have control of your life. Meeting a guy right now when you have not accomplished this lesson in life and made a stand,and continued to make a stand to be independent means you could be looking at trouble. If by chance you did meet a guy who seemed to be into you without you learning the self confidence needed, means you are easy prey to a boyfriend who might turn out to be controlling. Men like that seem to be able to spot people like yourself very easily. Yes, he might provide a place for you to live to get away from your parents but that could be like jumping from the frying pan into the fire. He could control you to the point you can not leave the his house and physically beats you for no good reason. So before I even start to give you insight on how to find a bf, it's best you find independence at whatever sacrifice you have to do to get it. For all I know, you are also dependent on MOm for transportation or she says you can't ride public transportation. Lots of things need to change hon. I remember being 20, and back then I didn't know as much as I thought. I might have been smart school wise but I had no experience being on my own yet although I owned my own car. I was not street wise either. And lack of experience due to my age plus naivity was what caused me to accept marriage to a nice church guy at age 20 who turned out to be verbally and emotionally abusive. I stayed with him 30 years! If there is anything I can say or do to help you avoid such mistakes, I wish to do so. So write me again but this time go to my column and choose to contact me from there as I can't answer you if you ask something on the place where you leave comments and scoring. I'll be glad to be your sounding board so you can continue to update me with your situation and how things are panning out. YOur situation could go all sorts of ways I can't foresee, so do feel free to contact me again if need be.
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