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Your advice to my question "I embarased myself in front of my crush today
Hello, Dragonflymagic. I just wanted to thank you for your advice to my question. I'd like to add an extra few pieces of information. In school, I'm seen as one of the "weird kids", plus I am quite introverted and antisocial, so I don't think she returns my feelings if I'm being completely honest. I've had quite a few crushes on people before but this is the only one that keeps coming and going.
Her friends don't like me though, and I feel like if I do end up asking her out, it could damage their friendships.
What should I do to get rid of my reputation as "the weird kid"?
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Haha, I can relate, I was the odd, weird kid too. Basically, anything a person doesn't know well or understand,or is a bit different from the norm, they can tend to feel uncomfortable around and will avoid because they don't know how to respond. Take seeing a person in a wheelchair approaching a door that is not automatic. YOu could just open it and they might be thankful or they might resent it and snap that they can do it themselves. I've seen both. So most people would hang back and say or do nothing because they just don't know what to think or do.
All teens are quite self conscious, and low self confidence, but its just that a good many are great at hiding it and somehow come across as being extroverted, and social. I was like you until the time I graduately H.S. where I followed some simple exercises that helped cure me of having extreme social anxiety.
I was shocked at my 40th H.S. reunion this summer to find that I was now more outgoing than 90% of the people there. I saw so many standing around talking to only one person and not going around to talk to everyone. Other than maybe two girls who were naturally always outgoing in school and still were, I was the one going up to people and starting convos. I even had a couple people apologize for never reaching out to me to offer friendship. One confessed she had also been in my shoes, social anxiety.
It is okay to be a more private quiet person and that can be a personallity type. But if it is more fear related, fearful of talking to others and starting conversations and making new friends, then it could be social anxiety. NOw that I no longer suffer that, I can tell you if I come across an adult like that, like when I tried internet dating and met each contact within a week or two, one was so quiet and wouldn't talk that I had to carry the conversation and I never called him back. I can see now how being so closed off to people makes one seem boring and not worth the effort so kids will ignore you or tease you. I got both. I did have a small circle of friends who did not mind me being quiet.
When we are still in school we may having fast maturing bodies but in truth the pre frontal cortex of our brain responsible for good decision making, and for tolerance and acceptance of others, is very slow to mature and is still growing until we reach our mid twenties although there are others for whom it takes a bit longer. Therefore many young people will make mistakes in how they treat others. Adults have more maturity and won't giggle or point fingers and whisper nasty things about a person they see who may be mentally disabled or physically. It comes with the age group. There are some things you are not going to be able to get from the people who are going to take until closer to 30 to finally grow up mentally. But a good majority of people who avoid you now can be taught to change their opinion of you, although it takes some work on your part.
It won't be instant, but if you are truly ready to work on being able to reach out to others, not all will reject you, as I explained of my classmates, many were just as introverted or unsure of themselves as I was, only they were better at hiding it. So I will now post the list of what I followed, psychologist proven to work and it worked for me too. You work through it on your own pace moving to the next level when ready but working on it every day. Here it is:
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.
You might want to focus more on adults than fellow students at first because as you start greeting them or complimenting them, they may make a rude comment and take off or ignore you. Remember, you are just starting to try to change and they are more likely to respond in a negative way at first.
So compliment the cashier at a store, start up a chat with someone at a bus stop, ask someone for directions. Don't think a stranger or someone older than you will find it odd that you start speaking to them. 90% of people are actually very friendly but do not start conversations So if you learn how to do so, almost everyone will respond favorably. I used to greet all new neighbors in my neighborhood or apartment with cookies. Only once did a person not seem overly excited to meet a new neighbor and remained quiet and reserved and did not make overtures of friendship. It is rare to have someone snap at you. If they do, its not you, its them and they are just an unhappy miserable person who wants to continue to wallow in their unhappiness. You can't let the one out of a hundred who react that way to discourage you. It didn't take long for me, after a month or two, I was doing really well but I worked at it every day, even though I had to face my imagined fears in my head. Thats distorted thoughts and those are the only things that can hold you back. Good luck!
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