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Are some people just meant to greatly suffer? (Dead serious question.)
So I have literally dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life. I can remember being in first grade and not being able to do much of anything because I was so anxious. And I can remember faking my happiness since I was a very young child.
It just gets worse and worse every year, and I swear I've spent all my life trying to overcome them, but I just continue getting worse... continue getting weaker...
I've tried literally everything for years and years - different therapies, different medications, different meditations, different exercising, different diets, different religions/spiritualities, therapy animals, subliminal messaging, binaural beats, hypnosis, different hobbies, talking to people more, taking better care of myself, "faking it until I make it", getting out of the house more, making myself do things, mental hospitals - I've tried this constantly for years and years and im just so tired.
I'm exhausted. All I ever do now is fake who I am. Every single person other than my parents and my fiance think I'm this genuinely super happy and enthusiastic person because thats who I reveal to everyone. I never show my crippling, severe, torturing depression and anxiety to anyone. everyone just thinks im perfectly fine and super fucking happy.
Please don't tell me to try more. There's nothing else I can try. I've tried all therapies, too many meds to count - just everything any psychiatrist or therapist or psychologist could think of.
my life is pointless. I just get worse everyday. I cry everyday. I can't sleep.
The only thing that keeps me alive is I don't want to go to hell from killing myself, even though I feel like I've given up on God, yet I still try to show my love for Him. I don't want to give up on Him, so I try to still think He loves me somehow.
I don't think there's any hope for me. I've tried everything... I've dealt with this all my life... I can't do anything. I'm meaningless. I can't work or drive because I'm too sick. Nothing's ever even lessened my issues even the slightest...
Seriously, are some people just meant to suffer? Was I just destined to live like this?
How can I accept that this is my fate and just accept that I'll have to fake my happiness to everyone for the rest of my life?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
We are what we think. If you think you're destined to suffer your whole life, then that's what you're gonna get. We get what we think about whether we want it or not. What you harbor in your mind will manifest in your body. Like the placebo effect.
One thing you can do to lift your spirits is the practice of gratitude. Sounds like you do have some things to be thankful for. A fiance, parents still alive, a place to live, internet etc. Gotta focus on the little things that you are grateful for. Even if we take most things for granted. Like having working arms and legs, eyes, ears etc.
Its all a matter of perspective. One time I was feeling sorry for myself. "I suck, my life sucks, fuck this." I went to the store to get myself something to drink my sorrows away. On the parking lot a guy that seemed perfectly normal and happy approached me and asked for my help to zoom out his phone (you know, using 2 fingers). He asked for help because he didn't have arms. That was like a slap in the face to me. How dare I be this selfish and feeling sorry for myself when there's people who REALLY have a reason to not be happy. And it made me look at all I have going for me that I choose to be blind to. We're free, we eat every day, enjoy comforts that we take for granted that other people would die for.
I know there's always the "yeah but..." That comes to our mind to protect our belief that our life sucks or we suck. But we really create those excuses ourselves. Suffering and feeling sorry for ourselves has become a part of our identity. Our minds don't like stepping out of who we've been. So it makes it uncomfortable to be different. Even if its to improve our lives. We'd rather keep suffering because its more comfortable and familiar, even though you're miserable in it. Which makes sense because you've felt depression and anxiety since you were young. You've had a lot of practice. So feeling this way is the most familiar and comfortable for you. Its what you're used to.
Nothing is good or bad, right or wrong, but thinking makes it so. You probably have a lot of good things going for you. But you choose to focus on the bad. Happiness is a choice. We can find reasons to be happy or we can find reasons to be unhappy. The choice is ours. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
I strongly recommend the book "the power of now". Not only does it help put things in perspective, but it also talks about how and why we keep ourselves in a state of suffering. Its perfect for you.
In the book "as a man thinketh" (which I also recommend) It talks about your mind being like a fertile patch of land. We can plant seeds (thoughts) that we want and will benefit us to hold those beliefs. Good feelings about ourselves and life. But you have to plant them yourself and take care of them. Most people don't tend the garden, so weeds (whatever crap lands in your mind) grow and they take over the garden.
There's been lots of famous people who were depressed and suicidal at one point but managed to turn their lives around 180 degrees and now they're rich and or famous. That includes the author of "the power of now." Now he wrote the book, is rich and has helped millions with his book. He was homeless, living on the street. If that hadn't happened to him, he wouldn't have written the book. Sometimes, we only see the way out and not road ahead.
About killing yourself... We don't know what's on the other side. Most religions advise against it. And if there is no hell and there is reincarnation, who is to say your next life will be any better? Maybe you gotta atone for killing yourself last time. What if I kill myself and next time, I'll be the guy with no arms. Naw, better make the most of this life.
I've read some research conducted with magic mushrooms. The results are that for the majority of people, it was extremely spiritual and profound. It cured depression for those who had depression. It puts things in perspective and kind of "resets" our mind. There might be places where you can go do a ritual of psychodelics. Typically ayuasca, or maybe san pedro. There's places in the US. Of course also in south america. I met a rich white guy that lost most of his $ so he was extremely depressed and he went and it changed his life. If you're suicidal, what could it hurt to go and possibly save your life if nothing seems to work?
"the power of now" and "as a man thinketh" can probably be found online as an audiobook. Probably even on youtube.
Good luck! I hope this helps.
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I had extreme social anxiety as a young child and that continued until I was healed from it forever at the end of my sr year of high school. I've not had clinical depression but the temporary ones due to situations and those I found a way to deal with to snap out of my depression. There are many more things I've learned since then.
I wish I could share it with you but you have your mind set that there are no answers, no way to stop suffering if even to be just a little better rather than more. I have been imersed in the CHristian faith as a teen, my choice. I can also say I have outgrown those confines of beleifs because there are no real answers to some questions. At least for myself, I have found answers that seem to make sense to explain away what the purpose of life is on this earth, why it seems to be that life is so harsh and hard for the majority of us, why are there sweet people and then the extreme opposite of psychopaths ready to mess up peoples lives, why is there evil, is there any good, is God even real or Jesus or the beliefs of many gods, on and on. I am in my late fifties so Its not like I am young and just questioning cus I have lots to learn in life. The questions I have and seem to have found answers that make my life more bearable, I love to share with others or at least make suggestions to get one pointed in the right direction. I also know of the tricks our minds play on us and how some of us get so stuck in traps we have created by our own thinking and how to recover from that. When you are ready to hear my experiences or beliefs on any particular thing like fate and destiny and why there is so much bad in the world. I'd be glad to share some of my own stories and recommend a Book that is free on line to just start reading. I had lots of answers but non connected until someone recommended I read this book. Its not a self help book but should answer a heck of a lot of the questions you have. It may not change what you have to go through in this life but change your outlook, anything that gives more sense to our chaotic world, I feel is helpful to continue with existing and maybe actually being able to not just survive but lend a helping hand to help others to survive. When you are ready or curious enough, please go to my column and write to me and ask what you want and refer to this message of yours so I know who you are. Until later, then.
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