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Should I quit doing this even though it makes me *GENUINELY* happy?
So I've been in a relationship with this man for ten months now. We got engaged five months into our relationship (don't judge, please. My parents got engaged at 17 after a few months of being together. They've been HAPPILY married for 31 years now, so this is possible. I've NEVER been certain about any guy in my life EVER except for this man.)
Anyway... What makes me *GENUINELY* happy and overflow in pure positive energy is putting infinitely effort in making him happy.
When he puts effort in (which trust me, he does A LOT)... it makes me happy, but not as happy as when I'm doing things to make him happy.
I do things like give him massages without him asking... waiting on him, like taking his dirty plates in the kitchen, making him food and bringing it to him, etc... complimenting him whenever... reassuring him about everything... allowing him to change the channel when I'm watching a show I really love (for example, I love Jerry Springer, but he doesn't, so I let him change it, which makes me happy when I let him change it to what he wants)... choose to listen to his favorite music in the car instead of my favorite (which I like his music anyway; but sometimes he'll choose to listen to my favorite because he's sweet like that.)... etc.
Trust me, he puts a lot of effort in. He's SUPER appreciative and the sweetest thing ever.
I don't know why I'm like this. I just don't get that happy when he's trying to make me happy. I'm PURELY and GENUINELY overjoyed when I'm doing things to make him happy.
The more I do for him, the happier I am.
The less I do for him, the less happy I am.
Is this bad at all? I REALLY don't want to stop putting so much effort in because it makes him super happy as well as making me super happy.
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I agree with Adviceman. The relationship should be 50-50, not 60-40 or 80-20, etc. I also have no idea what exactly he does for you, regardless of whether you feel happy or not.
And right up the alley here is this quote "Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in Equal effort to make it so."
You only wrote in detail what you do for him. Yes, it's normal to recieve pleasure from doing things for the one you love, however if both of you were at the same time choosing to do something special for the other, that way you also receive happiness from him.
So I want to know if he gives you massages without you asking, does he wait on you, like taking dirty plates or offering to refill your tea while he's up, does he ever cook for you 3 or 4 times out of the week as that would be about half the time, does he compliment and encourage and speak supportively of all your want to do, does he reassure you when you need it, actually noticing you're out of sorts and not having to be asked to reassure you, does he ever offer to change what he is watching to allow you to see a show you want, does he choose to show interest in your favorite genres of everything, etc.
Sometimes there wont be able to be compromise. I am talking of you wanting one show, him wanting to watch another. A better choice might be to not give in and watch his fav. show but both of you decide on what else is on that both of you would enjoy watching. If you always let him have what ever makes him happy without giving him a chance to reciprocate as much as you do for him, then you are robbing him of the chance to give his 50% in the relationship. And that is not normal to me nor for what healthy normal relationships are known to be these days.
What you wrote sounds a bit more like what womens magazine articles used to tell housewives in the 50s to do for their man, anticipating all his needs before he has to ask, being at his beck and call, serving him, making sure he never has to life a finger in the home, dressing up in dresses and high heels to greet him as he arrives home from work, offering him his favorite chair, putting his slippers on him, handing him his favorite beer and the list goes on. The man has to do nothing because all women did it all beleiving that was her role in life. The problem is that most men if spoiled like this, never given a chance to reciprocate, or trained to do special things for you, will grow up to become parents of boys who believe the same and society for women does not improve. At least these are my impressions due to what you've written.
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I met my wife in September. We became engaged in December and married in July. The day after tomorrow will mark 46 years together. Sometimes you just know from day one when things are right. Yes many people judged us, said it would last. Funny their marriages didn't last where ours has. If anyone says anything just let it role off your back like water off a duck. Being happy together is 50% of a good marriage.
If you receive genuine pleasure in doing things for him then their is no reason for you to stop. He should reciprocate in kind. Meaning all marriages are a 50/50 split. I'm going to get drummed out of the men's club for this but it needs to be said. Men have been waited hand and foot since birth by there mothers. If you continue to wait on him in that same manner it tends to get old after time, especially when children come along and you are not a stay at home homemaker. Then he really needs to step up and take on a full 50% share of the responsibilities.
I write the above because of this passage you wrote, "When he puts effort in (which trust me, he does A LOT)..." It is hard to define a lot. It needs to be more towards equal. I'm not saying you should stop doing what your doing. I'm saying you should encourage him to do his share especially if your living together.
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