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my girl, a bit controlling
I had a girlfriend for around ten months. On my end of the relationship, I thought I had done nothing wrong. I believed that until her friends told me how obsessive I was, and manipulitive I could be. Ever since, I've bettered myself, and no longer do these actions. However, my ex and I talk every night, we've actually kept a streak since the day we first met. But over time, she has become the controlling person. she hates when I talk to other people, yet talks to her ex-ex boyfriend, (the one before me). She yells at me if I do anything she doesn't like, literally YELLS at me over the phone. She constantly treats me like a child, talking down to me and telling me what an embarrassment of a boyfriend I was. and the worst part is, I still love her. I need advice. I'm not going to leave her, that's not an option, but can someone help me to help her understand her problems?
thank you
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
When she start yelling or saying hurtful ting for a purpose of being hurtful then just hang up. This may just make her more angry. if she calls back and continues yelling then hangup again and silence your phone.
call her the next day and be friends again. there is not need for ether side to apologize or make a big deal of it.
This tactic may take a few times for her to get the message, you are not going to just sit there and take abuse.
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I'd have to say that 90% of people do not respond well to someone (even in a nice caring tone) telling them about their short comings and how to better themselves. You are one of the exceptions here. I am too. While it stings to have someone tell you what they see wrong simply because they care, a person who is open minded, doesn't take things personally and is open to improving themselves is going to take such info and make the corrections. I am glad for the few brave souls who have not put me down but made some suggestions of things I could do in my situation, one with raising a difficult daughter and later, one who spoke some truths that I had not realized yet but helped me to make the move to leave an abusive spouse.
So now to your situation,from how you describing this girlfriend acting, it doesn't sound like she is open=minded, open to correction and doesnt take things personally. People can act this way at any age. However, I find more often that teens and 20 somethings are people who act this way. Some are like this simply due to inexperience, not having good examples in parents, simply not knowing any better. Then there are those who are angry at the whole world or beleive the world revolves around them or at least act that way. Have you heard the saying "YOu can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." Its even more complicated with people. But generally its the same deal, you only have control over yourself in truth, only person you can change is yourself. It is pretty much known in psychology that a person can not say or do anything to make a person stop something or change for the better. Why people think this is actually possible to change someone by speaking to them is probably because of situations in which they were a good silent example to a person who had decided to change and being that positive light in their lives makes the troubled person want to emulate the other. The big difference is that you are not talking to them about it, just being yourself, being wonderful, not being goaded into reacting in anger to their treatment of you. Do i know what I am talking about...sure I do...as I was in an abusive marriage once, verbally abusive. It was damned if I do and damned if I don't, nothing I could ever do was right. I hope you don't get stuck trying to be the good example for too long. I stuck with the ex for 30 years, God gave him that much time with me but at that point, it was long past the time where he could have slowly begun to change for the better. Some people never change in a lifetime, only making apologies from their death bed if they even have that chance. The counselor my husband was seeing told me that if no change at all in life, the best one can hope for is a person making minor changes and improvements during their life time. Sure theres always an exception to that rule but we're talking 1 in a hundred or hundreds of people. I have not yet found anyone like me who has made some of the biggest sweeping changes in their life until later like late 30s and 40s.
Hers something else I can tell you. A person grows up with parents having expectations for you, your friends, etc...and while their perceptions of how to live life work for them, you've only gone along with it cus you thought you had to, to be loved and accepted. However humans tend to make a radical change by time they get to their late 20s, like 28, 29 and early 30s. They drop the things that they've always done but just weren't for them, it isn't who they really felt they were inside and they embrace and accept the things which they feel better represent who they are at core. So by 30, if a persons behavior is still one where they have never questioned who they really are or try to improve on things in their personality, and drop the things that create conflict within themselves and make them generally an unhappy angry person, they will not change at all for the rest of their lives and remain this way. Think of it as becoming set in your ways if you don't seriously look at yourself and make needed changes before you get much farther than 31. I don't know your ages, but if younger, theres still a chance she could change. If at that age or past it, who you see is what you get with her and you can't expect that she will make radical changes later in life. I understand you have feelings of love and so I wanted you to know what you are up against. When dating, the reason is to learn as well as find what you like most and need most in a mate. I didn't know this stuff when I married at 20. Few people do at a young age. But we learn as we grow older if we are open to it as you and I are. Unless you plan on dating just to have company and for social reasons, then ultimately like most, you want to find a long term mate or perhaps a marriage partner someday. All the time dating many different people from first date until you find the one is a learning experience. Part of this is realizing that you need to find someone who already is exactly the kind of person you want to be with, not hoping they will change or you can change them later. This is why so many marriages break up. The wrong people married each other or beleived the other would improve someday. In my case, in 30 yrs there was no improvement, in fact it continually got worse. Any other woman would have left him long before me. In fact girlfriends after me havent lasted long with him leaving after a couple years at the most. The smart ones left him after a month at the most. So what you need to ask yourself is if you can be happy with her just exactly as she is right now, if she never changes but is like this the rest of her and your life.
You may answer as I did in my marriage, yes I can deal with it. Thats because I only looked at it as dealing with it on a day to day basis. Humans can take a lot and still carry on. But when I asked myself at almost 30 yrs if I could handle this another month, or so, I answered myself, yes but I won't like it. Can you handle this another 2 years? I hesitated and already felt agitated at imagining 2 more years of mistreatment. Well I could probably manage, as I've done so for so long already. But when I asked myself if I could handle this treatment with no improvement for another decade or two or until the day I die, I actually broke down crying, realizing that i didn't want to live the rest of my life on earth this way. You may have to ask yourself these questions, at a point when you are ready. Keep in mind that loving someone and being in love are two different things. We love a favorite flavor of icecream, we love a sport but this is the kind of love that can change, can tire of one thing and look for something new or different to try. You may not be spiritual or religious but there are some truths about love and a favorite one is what is written in a bible verse which I am pasting here for you;
1 Corinthians 13:4-8New International Version (NIV)
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Take that description of love and ask yourself if she loves you. Is her love exactly as written here? You might compare yourself to this to see whether theres room for improvement although I give you kudos for making the changes you already have. That verse is not just bible mumble jumble.
I remarried to a wonderful man where we both are deeply in love. Now that I know what it feels like to truly love and be loved in return, I think in ending I will share how that verse compares to what I experience.
Love is patient and kind. Both off us are starting to lose a little hearing. We often have to ask the other to repeat themselves. sometimes after 4 times of trying to hear we both still don't understand the other. And yes it is frustrating. However we make a conscious choice to not rail out at the other or berate the other. Instead we use patience and kindness. We tell the other what we thought we heard and almost everytime it is so funny that both of us are rolling over in laughter. Love doesnt envy. Envy is wanting something the other has. So perhaps it is a character trait. I am very nurturing and patient. Instead of wishing he was the same and being upset cus my strengths don't make him look good in certain areas, and vice versa, we compliment each others strengths instead of envying, we don't boast of ourselves but we like to tell others about our mates strengths and refer each other to people who are asking for or needing a particular help. He is so proud of what I do here on advicenators and knows he could never do this. And I agree, some of the things about him that are great in our relationship would not transfer well to giving advice to strangers asking for it. Love is not proud. Talking of self pride here, not like a parent proud of a child in graduating HS. This pride means one feels they are better than and above anyone else, so they are already not working as a team. But for me, we both work as a team on lots of things. It takes two people putting in equal energy to make a relationship work. ONe can't point the finger and say its all the other persons fault. Love doesnt dishonor others. Sure you've heard of the term dissing, thats what we're talking about. We talk highly of each other, we don't try to bring each other down by constantly reminding each other of things we may have once said or done that we didn't like or agree with, and certainly we do not chew each other out ever unlike my ex who did this in front of family and friends horrifying them all that I was with him. There are right and wrong ways to bring up a discussion to tell someone of something that bothers you. My husband is a highly functioning Austistic. It doesn't mean he is without some issues that come and go depending on the day. Too much stimulation can cause him to feel actual pain. ONe day I can show love by stroking his shoulder or playing with his hair. Another it is painful. INstead of yelling ow that hurts or stop doing that, I don't like it. He does like it when it isn't affecting him that way. He honors the ways I show I love him by using gently tones to alert me that right at this moment is actually hurts but He knows I love him and as soon as he feels better, he will let me know and we can touch as much as we want. Theres always and right and wrong way to do things in relationships. Love keeps no record of wrongs. The ex kept reminding me daily of all the things he didn't like about me, anything I failed to remember. Unlike with current husband, anything we did that made things difficult for both of us by one forgetting something as we don't tend to do purposeful wrongful things to each other, we let that go. Its in the past and if what one forgot makes a situation scary, we still don't blame the other like his saying he'd always check oil and fluid levels in car cus its old and has had problems often in this area. He forgot and the car overheated the other day and he couldn't come pick me up at daughters place. They had to bring me home. We do not get angry with each other, we simply try harder to remind each other of things. We are starting to get older and more forgetful but when its simply that we are human and prone to forget or make a mistake we don't hold it against each other. Can you say that of your girlfriend? The rest is true for us but I won't continue to go on as I figure you get the picture by now. Even teens dating their first love can practice these things. They may not be as successful most the time and still make mistakes but as they learn, they improve and all their relationships get better, not just boy/girl relationships but relating to friends, family members, students teacher, co workers, etc. Everyone basically. There is no way I could answer your question the way you hoped because it isn't possible but hopefully all I've shared will shed some light and help you to either enjoy her with all her shortcomings but if anything is hurtful to you too often and causes stress to you, you may have to rethink your decision to be with her. I will say that after a long time of giving love but not being given love in return, the love I had for my ex was whittled away, till nothing was left. think of a savings account with a hundred dollars in it. Every month you take out 10 but never put anything back in. So in 10 months time, that acct is empty and you keep expecting to get money out of it, like people expect you to s till be in love with them, but without them making deposits of love into your life, it goes dry. I hope she decides to change before that happens to you. Otherwise, sometime in the future, you will realize you no longer love her and besides are suffering the mental or physical effects of stress. I became very ill while with the ex. I am now healthier than ever after leaving him. You will know by instinct and how you are treated whether you've got a great thing here or if it is time to move on. Sorry hon, but that is the best I can tell you.
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