I'll keep this short but this may not be the correct category.
I was adopted at twelve years old. Went to live with them that summer prior to my October birthday. Thus, I was eleven in their household. I was in a fosterhome and loved by my foster parents. Genuinely loved.
My parents by adoption never grew to love me. They use to tell me they loved me unconditional because they're super Christian Methodists. Of which they may not be truly saved Christians but that's not what I'm going on about. I never believed they loved me because of the constant mild neglect throughout all the years. Turns out although they had everyone fooled, I was right. They recently admitted it saying, "I never grew to love you as a child. I am so sorry! There's no room in me." The truth made me appreciative to have obtained. However, I'm bent out of shape. This hurts really deeply. To the core even. It cuts me. I spent about 14 years not being loved by them. Because they didn't love me and I was often isolated with just them and not really around others except church and the school year I began to withdraw more and more. Their lack of love made me hollow inside. I think it was because I couldn't handle it and still struggle to handle it. It hurts to feel. To feel this.
I can see I might not be letting others in and I can't help it. I have this mark on me that I can't be loved. I know it isn't true but I keep pushing people away saying silently, "You're better off." Since I was adopted and over the years, the people that loved me before don't anymore. Everyone eventually stopped loving me. I feel like it is because the curse they placed on me. How do I cut off these binds? I'm SO used to them. I'm used to feeling unloved. I don't know if I can let go. I don't like holding on but it comforts me, oddly.
It seems that someone is concerned about my well-being that may want to be friends with me. I can't seem to let her be my friend. She says she's worried about me. I can't seem to empathize with her nor feel if there's a true feeling of concern there. I don't want to grieve her but inside I can't help but have a disbelief in me that she could feel concern.
adviceman49 answered Monday March 6 2017, 10:22 am: I'm sorry your adoptive parent never came to love you. Adopted children are considered very special because their parent chose them. My cousin was adopted by my Aunt and Uncle. It’s funny that he and I have always enjoyed a very special relationship. A family love for each other that had existed long before I was told or he was told that he was adopted. That relationship still exists between us even though we are separated by over a thousand miles.
Reading the note to use I can feel the hurt you feel. We all want someone to love us and to hold us especially when are world crashes around us. You for your reasons can't allow someone to get close enough to have that person.
It is not your fault you are this way it is a defense mechanism you built so not to be hurt. You need to tear down this wall you built around you and for that you are going to need help. I suggest you contact a psychologist for talk therapy. The psychologist becomes that best friend you don't have that you can talk to and tell you darkest secrets. Though the talk therapy the psychologist will pin point how you were hurt and help you overcome it and deal with it properly.
If you have health insurance through your employer you most likely have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP). If you do have an EAP program, Human Recourses or the owner would know, get the contact number and ask them to find you a psychologist. Generally they will give you a list to pick from. I would suggest you might be more comfortable with a female. Pick one and they will contact them saying you will call for an appointment. Generally that appointment and a few more are covered in full by the program then you medical insurance will kick in to the extent of whatever coverage is offered.
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