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Friends concerned about boyfriend
My boyfriend and I met my junior year his senior year of college and we have now been dating for a little over a year. We actually met each other through two close friends who were dating each other. He is doing a fifth year of college so we are both still at school this year. Things started to get a little sour this past semester. We had three really big fights that left me really upset and my friends saw this. This semester four of my friends all broke up with their boyfriends. The combination of my friends seeing my boyfriend hurt me with the fact that I refrained from talking about the good things he did (not wanting to come home to a group of girls grieving relationships and brag about mine...) made it so that at this point some of my friends are really confused why I'm with him. Now my friends are all happy and starting new flings and getting out there but I think I just got in the habit of not talking about my boyfriend a lot around them. Plus, his two close friends are the exes of two of the four girls who had break ups at the beginning of the semester. It has made it difficult for us to all hang out in groups like we used to. My friends never had a problem with him until this semester. They seem to think he doesn't treat me well and that I deserve better. Part of their rationing was that he borrows my car and my laptop a lot and that he doesn't take me on a lot of dates. These are things that I complain about with him. What they don't know is that he's paying for all of his school on his own and that he can't afford a new laptop or to be taking me on fancy dates every week. While I try to explain this to them they still say they don't like seeing me hurt. Our last fight I considered breaking up with him and I told them that and now they seem to have it in their head that it just needs to happen... but in my heart I love him more than I've loved anyone in my life. He is one the kindest, smartest, most fun people I have ever met. I know if my friends spent more time around him they would see that. He is hesitant about spending time with them because he can sense that they don't like him and now it's just a viscous circle... I don't know what to do. I want everyone to get along but I can't help be bothered by my friends disapproval. I go back and forth between blaming myself for only talking about him when I complain, blaming him for always being standoffish and short with my friends and for hurting me in those fights to begin with (never cheated, just to clarify), and blaming my friends for not being able to see that besides the three fights, I am so happy with this person. They say that's all they want, is for me to be happy, but I want everyone to get along. What do I do?
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I can answer playing both sides of the same coin.
Perhaps in being so miserable from all their breakups, subconsciously they act out in ways to try to break you up so you can be like them. That old saying 'misery loves company' does have some merit to it. Or perhaps since they aren't in love with your guy, they aren't looking thru rose colored glasses and are seeing something that you are not.
Now on your side, I can understand the poor young person putting themselves thru school and not having a spare dime. However you did admit lots of fighting. Now lets get down to specifics. When he 'borrows' anything from you, does he ask you first nicely, or does he assume that because he's dating you, its okay to take without asking? That hon would have nothing to do with being a poor student but poor at relationship skills. If that is how he plans to act in the adult world once he has his degree, it will not help him much at all if he can't get along with people cus they all feel used by him. I could be oh so wrong here. Just imagining a possible reason why you don't see a problem but they do.
I don't believe fights in a relationship can be and must be avoided. They are actually productive if both partners come out of it feeling there
is a happy ending for both of them, not one getting their own way every time or the problem never being solved.
In relationships, there will always be the stresses and storms of life that seem to attack and surround you. A relationship can either weather the storms of life and grow stronger or the stresses will tear couples apart and this goes for married couples too. There are so many stories of tragedies like losing an infant, and instead of drawing closer to console each other, some people will blame each other even tho theres no blame to lay, and break up over it.
If your fights with your guy iron out, then perhaps theres a chance for you two, if not, it may be the natural selection of life, weeding out guys who are not right for you. You must always make decisions with your own best interests in mind, not those of your friends. My own family did not approve of my first husband but loved me and supported my poor choice. Eventually after 30 yrs I saw the light and left him. HOw they respond is something your friends will need to decide for themselves, it is not for you to cater to them to contain a fake peace.
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