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I don't know how to talk to boys?
I'm a socially awkward/ socially anxious person but I can talk to other girls no problem (unless they look snobby or give bad vibes) but I can't talk to guys at all I don't have any guy friends, I have guy acquaintances through my friends that are girls, but I don't really have any guy friends at all, in elementary school (elementary for me ended in grade 8) I didn't have this problem heck one of my best friends was a guy, but as soon as high school started everything changed. The guys at my school were complete douchebags they judged people based on appearances and would make fun of you without even knowing you. These guys gave me the impression that guys were idiots so I started only hanging out with girls, I can talk to certain guys but not guys that are physically attractive because I feel like they're gonna judge my appearance like the guys in my high school did. If I listed what those guys would do/say about me this post would be way too long. I'm already socially awkward as it is but now that I'm in university I don't only want girlfriends I want guy friends too but it's just hard because of how awkward I am and the because of the past. Whenever a guy (that's attractive) comes near me I get dizzy and anxious and can't really form anything cool to say. I've always wanted a relationship but I feel like I shouldn't even bothering trying to get into a relationship first (not that I even know how) without even having a guy friend. Please help with any tips and tricks. I'm 17 years old in university i will be 18 in two months and if you couldn't tell I'm a female as well lol
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Youre already better off than I was at your age or lets say younger. In HS I couldn't talk to any people unless they spoke to me first. I've since learned that a large amount of people are very friendly but for some reason don't face their fears and work on it.
Since you're in Univ. and already have no problem with talking to a girl, I know you will master this easily. In fact, you may find it to be fun like a game but its serious stuff.
The reason its hard to approach or talk to an attractive guy over an average one makes total sense. We don't have to worry about the impression we are personally going to make on the one we aren't interested in. NO watching of all our move and words which can steal the pleasure right out of anything. So thats why you have no idea what to say. When our minds experience their first moment of panic in this area, all the concentration in the world won't help you regain your last thoughts or focus on new ones. Yes, I have been there. It was the last year of HS before I was sick and tired enough of being this way to do something about it.
I can't say whether you are ready but one thing that is a MUST here, is that whatever you do, you do not back down from fears. This whole exercise will be one to show you how little we think our fears hold us back and whats stranger, how easy I found it was to face my fears. There is a tipping point which once you get past it fear wise, you won't have fears again at all cus by experience you've proven to yourself that nothing terrible happened and you move on from there. Its all about facing your fears.
Start where you are already at. I had problems meeting peoples eyes when talking to them or starting conversation. Heres goes:
Overcome Shyness
I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.
It took until I was about 16 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.
I did this for fear of all people but this will work grandly also for your reasons, the fear of attractive males. I know it sounds funny but its not funny to be the one trapped by our own unreasonable thinking. So much of people today have issues with their thought processes, there is a rise in anxieties and depression and the biggest one of all is distorted thinking. The distortion can be as simple as saying aloud to your friends, I am not going to get the part in the play, I just know it, cus I am not tall enough to costar with Tim. This is the
'fortune telling' mode, of predicting the outcome of your future even though you can not direct the outcome of a lot of your future and who ends up liking you is one.
Try this and let me know how it worked for you. Only recently did I find the same techniques listed in a book by Dr. David D. Burns "When Anxieties Attack". It is the exact same plan God gave me decades ago that I already know works.
As for facing your fears, I think next would be, how can I think of things to say to a guy. The exercise should help cus lots pertains to where you find yourself and what the two of you or at least He, is doing. I can walk up to a stranger, a male, ask him few questions about what he is doing and he'll spend the rest of the time talking about himself. I add in compliments and mention things I noticed so he knows I'm really listening. Dating starts as a thing of trials and errors in trying to find a person who will most closely make a best friend for you and also one with whom you have a great sexual connection and love. If you want more help with the actual step of what to say to a guy, give me one recent past situation where you wished you had known what to say and I'll go over it with you giving you answers based off my personality (how i'd answer) at least but it will show you how easy it is.
The biggest thing I had to face was fear of past failures. And fear will be your scariest thing until you get past the initial scare. Its like the bully thing, the bully unable to take what it has been dishing out. So if you stand up to it longer, a debate as simple as asking a guy what he's doing, you'll be shaking with fear as you approach him, fear as you can't make sense of all the paperwork in front of him, fear that you have no idea what you are talking about let alone it being interesting to you at all,, but remember for your treatment its all good, don't avoid any.
A line like "This looks interesting or this looks challenging is usually enough to get a reply. Don't ask close ended questions, ones that can be answered with a yes or no as it stops there then. For more, lets use a real situation of yours that is long past and see if we can discover a better way for you to have handled it and the half dozen conversation starts I can find to it, even perhaps a chance for a light flirt too, all without acting like a giggly school girl.
This means you need to describe a lot to me, The place, setting hot cold, summer, evening, what you all were wearing eating, exact words spoken, and other objects in the picture, maybe you were holding onto an umbrella. I need it all to show you how with a little decision making ahead, just a few seconds ahead based on where you find yourself, you will learn how to spot and create the convo's you want to have and more than one choice too!
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