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22 yrs. New mom.. baby's father unfaithful
My son just turned two months and I recently found out that when I was five months pregnant my boyfriend was on social media asking other girls for their numbers. He obviously deleted any texts so I'm not sure what exactly they were talking about. I know he didn't physically cheat because he was home straight from work. I somewhat confronted him about it. (I couldn't say everything I wanted to because my son was present & I don't like arguing in front of him.) The conversation was pretty much "I know you did it" showed him screenshots. He admitted but didn't say anything that was said. He kept apologizing over and over again & was saying how he doesn't want to lose his family over it. He'll never do it again blah blah blah. I told him I needed time to think and made him move to the spare bedroom. I'm torn. I'm too angry/hurt to bring it up. All I talk to him about is our son. I want to know WHY he did it, what was said, and to who. Should I ask him or would that be pointless? My son deserves to be raised in a complete household and not a broken family but at the same time I deserve someone who's gonna stay faithful. How would you guys make him prove to you that he's worth giving a second chance? Or would you guys just end things now? Advice very much appreciated. Thanks in advance!
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You really need more information. Was it just online/texting flirting or full out relationships or meeting up. I think it's worth keeping your family together if it's just a flirting online type of situation. However, if he's involved with someone else that's a whole other thing. I think you will have a good idea soon what is going on. If he's secretive about his phone or not answering when he should be able to or not at home when he normally would be there's more to it. Now it's his responsibility to prove he can be trusted but if you decide to work things out you have to be open to allowing things to be worked out. You can not be over bearing, constantly checking on him and questioning things. You will drive yourself crazy and drive him away. After so long if you just can't get passed the hurt or he didn't prove himself it may be best to go you separate ways rather than making each other miserable. It'll be easier for your child to adjust sooner rather than later if that's what you choose. Don't stay in a miserable relationship for your child. Two happy parents that are separate is much better than two miserable parents together.
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There are a lot of variables here that make it hard to understand the why; Was he just fooling around, was he looking for a relationship outside of the one he has with you. If so why?You say boyfriend meaning you two are not married; do or did you intend to marry? Was this pregnancy a planned pregnancy or an accident? These are important question.
An unplanned pregnancy even to a married man can make him feel differently. No matter how much he may be committed to the relationship married or not. An unplanned pregnancy can make him feel trapped.
In one sense the feeling of being trapped is good as it means he is not going to run away but he is going to stand by his child and its mother. On the other hand the unplanned pregnancy takes something out of his equation that makes acceptance harder for him. In a planned pregnancy the father can bound with the child easier during pregnancy. In an unplanned pregnancy it may be until the baby is born that the bonding begins.
This is all subjective since I don't know him or you. Many men feel women get pregnant to trap them and each reacts differently. Many pack up and leave refuse to accept the child as theirs. Points in his favor he has stayed and wants to stay with you.
You have several options. You can look at this as nothing came of it and forget it and just move on. You can discuss it to death and get nowhere and ruin what ever relationship you have had or you can find someplace in the middle.
Right now the issue is of trust. Trust is both something that is both earned and in certain respects given. He has apologized and said he won't do it again. Can you find it in yourself to believe that him.
Whatever you do don't make him do things to prove himself as the proof is in his actions going forward. Give him some trust and let him earn the rest on his own. The choice to leave is always on the table. Right now the choice is whether to stay or not.
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