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humorist-workshop
I like a guy?
Yes, so I'm kind of both... Both shy and outgoing... like I won't usually talk to a person first (if it's a random person like this guy), but if they were to talk to me, I'd be very friendly and act comfortable. So... how should I talk to him?
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So was I when younger. So this shouldn't be extremely hard for you. To get over shyness and a fear of talking to people I didn't know or start a convo, I was told to start with smiling at, once perfected without any fears, I went on to saying Hi to strangers, a terrifying thing as I thought it would for sure encourage then to talk and then I'd not know what to say. From that stage, I went on to complimenting people I didnt know or have as friends, and lastly, start up a convo first by speaking on something similar, the situation we find ourselves in, i'll give examples. I know this doesn't sound like a fancy strategy but I recently came across it in a book titled, When Anxiety Attacks, so I understood perfectly how it works. What happens, is you go through a series of situations in which nothing bad as you may imagine ever happens. The worst we fear is making a fool of ourselves in front of someone who counts, like a prospective date or at a job interview. And also, we fear being rejected. This is the part about distorted thinking, where you know better and instead of dwelling on those negative thoughts, each time you find yourself thinking it, you give yourself pernission to only acknowledge the thought is there and then you counteract it with a positive one. The truth is, if you suspect the other person looks like they didn't understand or may be offended, that happens all the time in life but its how you look at it that changes the feeling of the situation into a more positive one. Heres where I try to put myself in the other persons shoes, if I were like them, maybe had low self esteem and took things personally, could I misunderstand and be ticked at what I just said to them. If I feel theres a chance that is the case, I begin to explain myself and what works best is to use yourself as the example and take the focus back off them so they can recover. like "I don't really know if you do that kind of thing, and I don't any longer, but I used to and I was just talking in general about how there is a way to overcome that issue, so if you ever want to hear more...." Something along those lines. Then about 2 in every 75-100 people I meet will automatically not like me, no matter I haven't ever talked to them yet or been around them. This is also normal. Its happened to me and if you can train yourself to not be shook up about it and lose your confidence, you can go a long way. I am not a psychologist but my best guess is they don't like the vibes coming off me, very friendly positive ones. If the person is a very negative type, they also won't like their negative vibes and be constantly sending them out to dump on others. Your positiveness is like a mirror that their negativity bounces off of right back at them so it makes them feel even worse and that scenerio is a true one of what happens between people and I just can't say its the only reason but you'll seldom in life have to be
concerned about meeting these kinds of people.
Another thing to keep in mind is everyones personal will and choices. We all have our favorite things in life and that goes over into what type of people interest us. You have a favorite color, food, music, books, etc and even a certain type of look that appeals to you in another person. Eventually we learn over time to go beyond looks and be concerned over personality traits that are most important to us as well as those in a guy you want to avoid. Just because you like a guy and he isnt into you does not mean that you will be perfect for another guy and he'll consider you to be his Queen or Goddess.
If you can tell yourself these things the moment you begin to worry about sticking your foot in your mouth, you'll actually be fine.
Heres one example of me talking to a guy I didnt know but had seen often at a coffee shop. As I walked past his table, I turned around and said, "Hey, as often as I see you here, it feels awkward walking past you and not being able to greet you by name. My name btw is......whats yours?" I noticed he was working with graph paper and asked him what he was doing next. People love to talk about themselves so always remember to ask questions other than how are you to which we're all programmed to respond Fine even if not. He went into detail on the studying he is doing to get into a coast guard job and I listened closely so I could ask further questions on anything I didn't understand of if I thought I understood, I put it in my own words asking if it was something like this.
Two days ago at a fast food restaurant, I saw an older guy with bags of scrap material cutting shapes out and putting double stick tape on the backsides. So I asked what he was making, and immediately he started up with how this was his way of giving back to the community, it was a craft for children and there is a great ongoing demand for his stuff so he continues to make it. He mentioned the 'pay it forward' attitude which he lives by as well as Christian principles all which I live by too so we then shared a couple short stories back and forth of when we'd be the recipients of that kind of help and giving and a time when we'd given it. Again, I asked him something about what he was doing. The other way to start talking would be to compliment a person and after they say thank you, have another thing thought up to say to keep the convo going. Like if you compliment on the outfit he's wearing, my choice of keeping the convo going, even if he's not doing much talking yet and I am doing most, at least I still have his attention focused on me longer. You say whatever came to mind that fits your personality. I would say, "Do you pick out your own clothes? If no or yes, you can comment, oh you have a good fashion sense, not all guys do, like my Dad or my uncle for instance. Or Your Mom chose well and it looks like a style you'd have picked out yourself. If he's quiet now, I might ask another question pointing at his shirt, so it that your favorite color, cus you wear it often. Whatever he answers, if he doesnt reciprocate, I might quickly add in, my favoriate color is .... and then look at my watch and state, well I've got things to do. Nice chatting with you, til next time then.
Don't drag out the conversation trying to hope he'll warm up to you instantly on the spot. If he's been crushing on you, he will jump at this chance and start talking with you but if he doesnt eagerly respond, either he still doesnt know you well enough to know if he'd even be interested in you that way or he knows he is not.
If he's not interested in you, he won't seek you out first, ever. Of if he sees you somewhere, won't greet you first before you do to him.
If he's not sure yet about you, then you don't want to go on too long in any convo cus he'll just be overwhelmed and immediately come to the conclusion, why is this girl all of a sudden talking to me when she hasn't before. I just know she's hoping to be my girlfriend or maybe is going to ask me out. Guys don't mind when girls ask, if they are already interested. If they just dont have enough info to know yet to be able to make a good decision then even if he guessed right, he won't be scared away to trying to avoid you.
You may want to practice getting over the awkwardness of you starting chats with others you do not know. If its someone whos already a friend, you will feel too comfortable and the deal is you're trying to get past feeling scared or uncomfortable while doing this. Start with females, then move on to males, in fact if the guy you like is nearby or with other guys, acknowledge them all by name in greeting or just a Hi guys. And then try to practice chat with one of his buddies. Let him observe you. If you can be funny or make a person laugh, laughing seems to bond people even easier. He will see that you are friendly with all people, not just hitting on him, you are relaxed, and outgoing, aspects of a personality that most people like. This gives him the chance to mull over the idea of what it would be like to date you.
Don't worry if you are younger than a guy. I've heard from plenty of girls in school who crushed on a guy a couple years older and got in with his buddies as well. These guys all liked and accepted these females, one into each group because for her age, she was very mature and didn't come across as a giggly kid. Guys are more comfortable with a girl if she is treating them like a best friend instead of a potential boyfriend. But amazingly, thats one of two important foundations for long term relationships like marriage. You've heard of people who complain about getting friend zoned. Sometimes it happens when the two become friends first and one secretly hopes for the romance and the other eventually grows in love with the other but wont make a move for fear of losing their friend and messing things up. There are ways to deal with that if it ever comes up. Right now, you focus on practicing with others.
Lastly, if you are nervous while talking with test subjects, admit it. Let them know you've been wanting to become more outgoing and able to talk to people and you apologize for going blank and not knowing how to respond or admit you're feeling a bit nervous. The moment you admit to being nervous or scared, those feelings actually go away. And no normal person has ever not felt awkward or scared at some point and can relate. YOu may feel like a fumbling idiot but if you got peoples opinions as I have when admitting I was nervous, I found almost everyone saying they admired me for having the guts to do something that was hard for them and yet they seemed to be popular or normal to me. I am always surprised to find out that the little I do is something big in others eyes. So dont worry or second guess yourself and go have fun.
If you have any convo's that don't go well and you want my feedback, write down asap what you said and they said as close as you can get it, exact words are important and you can write it to me here later...its all part of your learning. Since you are the type who warms up quickly once talked to, you're lots like me and I know you will be successful. If not with this guy, with another in the future.
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