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Bad break up, will he come to his senses?
Hi everyone. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this. Me and my boyfriend ( well now ex) have been together for 3 months. Known each other since February though. Ill tell you the story briefly. I got fucked over really badly by my ex boyfriend before I met him- he hurt me so much and left me for a really selfish reason- he ruined my self esteem so much and gave me major trust issues. I met this guy after 2 months and started talking, he really did love me a lot and I think he still does even though were broken up. He always talked about how hes never loved anyone as much as hes loved me and that im his first real relationship. I am 21 and he is 24. Although he is 24 ive always felt like he was a little bit immature in our relationship. I am usually the mature one because I have dealt with many guys and been in 3 different relationships so i started to know how to deal with guys more than hes dealt with girls. His relationships werent so intense and were pretty brief so this was all new to him. Anyway. During our relationship we'd get into little arguments about things and whenever we'd get mad at eachother i would tell him that i didnt wanna talk- and i was really moody a lot of the time and wasn't so nice. However, it was all because of my past relationship and how i got so tired of caring about people so much and i think he knew this as well because he knew i had major trust issues and tried to do the impossible to make me gain his trust. After a few times of telling him i didnt wanna talk and him getting upset about it, i finally told him i was sorry about that and that it wont happen again and that i only do that so we don't argue more- he said its okay and he understands. So he works all the time, and i only get to see him on monday because thats his day off. So i decided to take off from work on a monday so that we were able to hang out till the morning till night time. So i did that. I texted him in the morning and he told me that he can't go out until after 6PM because his family is coming over for dinner and he can't leave them because it would be rude. i told him that hes being rude to me and hes putting me off (and he knows i took off from work for him) so why couldn;t he just tell his mom he couldlnt be avaialble for this family dinner instead of ruining plans with me? Usually i have to go to a friends house and hang out with them until he picks me up because im not allowed out of my house after a specific time and i know he finishes late. so i try to go that extra mile so i can see him and stick to just anyone until he picks me up. So i got tired of doing that and we ended up getting into this argument of you don't and i do and blah blah. Now keep in mind that before this little problem we had, he poked a girl on facebook and when i found out he started laughing and we ended up fighting because i told him that i hate that and he told me that i dont have the right to be snooping around his activity log and that he ONLY did that because he wanted to see if i was gona say anything because he wanted to catch me going through his stuff. We got in a big fight and i told him that im not gonna go through his stuff anymore but to seriously never do that again just to see what i would do because its really childish (he could have just asked me if i go on his facebook since he IS the one who gave me his password to begin with ) anyways. Prior to this, he had deleted a message to a girl that i specifically told him not to ask a favor from and then when i was on the phone with him he told me that he had this specific conversation with her about the favor in person when she passed by his true- which was a complete LIE because i saw from my end that he put the message in archived so that i wouldn't see it from his phone ( I also LET THIS GO) and did not confront him about it because i dont want to keep arguing with him and making problems.. i actually want this relationship to work because i started to love and really care about him so i let it go for the sake of my own sanity. Anyways. This was BEFORE we got into the fight about going out. After we got into this fight i told him BYE because i was frusturated and so he said bye and the conversation ended. He didnt contact me all day even after he finished with his family and he knew i was upset because i canceled my plans for him. The day after he didnt even call or text me and then i see that the girl he poked on facebook has now become his friend on facebook and instagram. My face was priceless and i was so angry and upset. Like he told me that he doesnt even KNOW her and that only poked her on purpose to see my reaction and how i found out. Now they are adding one another, and especially when we got into a fight? So i called him up and told him i saw it on instagram and i thought he said he didnt know her. He first said that he didnt want to speak to me because i said BYE again during an argument and hes had enough of that. So i asked him why he added this girl right when we fought and he told me "i dont know, i just did, whats the big deal" so i said "okay so you lied to me? telling me you dont know her and the first thing you do is add her when we fight?" and then I honestly wanted to teach him a lesson and broke up with him on the spot. I told him that hes already been treating me like crap lately and hes always busy for me-- and on top of all of this he does shit like this without even thinking whether or not id be upset so that its over. Ofcourse i said this out of spite and anger. He told me to stop saying that and to not talk like that and i told him i made up my mind. After that we shut and he kept posting things on facebook and whatsapp all depressing for a little bit and then he would change his whatsapp picture every 2 minutes and be online in and out on whatsapp a lot so i figure hes doing that to grab my attention. I felt like he wasnt going to talk to me ever again and honestly, i have a really good heart so i can't have somene stay mad at me without clearing my concise and getting closure. I wanted to know where we stood once and for all and see if he was ever willing to try again. So i texted him on whatsapp an hour ago and he blocked me right when he read it. So i called him and he picked up with this angry tone. And i was like you blocked me? and he was like Yes, didnt you say what you wanted to say? arent you done talking ? didnt you make your decision?! and i was like yes but i was only calling you to make myself clear on what i did. (it basically took me 15 minutes to convince him to listen to what i have to say) and all he kept saying was ITS OVER- im not gonna ever be with you again-- to me this subject is CLOSED and pretend like you never even met me to begin with and that these few months never happend. I remained extremely calm and said "okay, and im not calling you to get back together, i just want to talk like adults" and hes like "okay go ahead and finish what you want to say" in a really asshole type of way. So i told him "okay, i did what i did and said what i said because i trusted you, you betrayed my trust and you were dishonest with me and hurt my feelings and i didnt expect that from you" hes like okay are you done? are you finished? im at the beach with my friends so i have no time right now. I was like okay i was just telling you so you know what you did and why i said that- hes like okay and i want you to know that we are NEVER gonna be together again and that its really over for me so dont try. So i told him to stop saying that out of anger and that hes gonna regret it and hes like no im not, when im done IM DONE and theres no going back so just forget about it. So i calmly said okay and told him to take care of himself and shut. He still has me blocked and i feel upset about all the harsh things hes said. Yes, i broke up with him but because he was treating me poorly and lied to me and wasn't honest. I didnt want to really break up but after that phone call, why would i wanna be with someone so immature anyways? All i wanna know is did i do something wrong? Should i have not broken up with him so quickly? I didnt know how else to deal with this situation because ive been through so much shit and can't handle someone else mistreating me or lying to me so i just ended it to prove a point but obviously he took it terribly and treated me this way.I feel like he doesnt mean what he said but hes only saying that because his emotions are everywhere but i dont know. I wonder if hell ever even talk to me again. we shared so much memories and spent everyday together (literally) just sad how that all ends in less than a day. I feel confused as to why he decided to block me once i texted him, why didnt he just do that before i texted him? Please let me know what you think and if i made the right choice. Thank you all so much for reading this and i hope your answers make me feel better, or atleast help me sleep at night.
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Clarification? So i decided to take off from work on a monday....does that mean you both discussed this move and he agreed to it, or was it your idea that you passed on to him without him really aware you were planning this? You dont have to answer me, but I want to point out that unless you both discussed and he agreed to it, before you asked for the day off, then he is not it the wrong and you were just assuming he'd drop everything for his day off to be with you.
From there, you give a long detailed explanation of all your fights in which it seems to me that both of you are wanting to come out on to and win.
If two people care more about fulfilling their partners needs first than theirs, and learn when it is important to choose a 'fair' fight or what things are actually trivial and its best not to fight over, then a relationship will go a lot more smoothly. It just sounds like both of you enjoy the drama of needling and pushing each others buttons more than taking the time to really learn the do's and don't of relationships.
Its not just what innocent mistakes we may unintentionally be making, but our own personal maturity levels that can cause the kinds of issues you are having. Don't take me wrong, I am not saying you are immature and causing all the problems but I see this every day...people your age with the exact same kinds of issues.
Just ones age in years or previous experience in a certain matter doesn't make one an expert in a field. ANd this is where I think younger people get sidetracked. They believe that whatever they want should be attainable without any hard work put in on both sides.
'Happily ever after doesnt happen because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so.' And in your case, I would suggest that the maximum effort to make it so, be the effort of reading up on everything and anything you can get your hands on regarding relationships. There is no such class as relationships 101 where you can learn, study and pass the test with flying colors so you know you are ready to be in a relationship.
This is much like getting into a car when you have never driven and you dont know how to operate it let alone any of the rules of driving....that would be a challenge indeed with possible accidents ahead during your learning period. Many have lots of experience as you state you have with past guys. But experience isn't any good if we dont learn from it what to avoid, what we can do better and make those changes. Ever hear older women complain and wonder why it is that every guy they meet seems to be a loser. And I am sure these ladies are decent people but as far as relating to other people, there is always something each of us has to learn to be better and avoid doing to have a good relationship.
And hon, these same skills will help you in life with ANY relationship...its called people skills and will help you to get along with others to the best that you can. Like teachers, a boss, coworkers, family, relatives, friends. And we all need to learn that we can only change ourself and have no control over another person changing for the better. So if they are not willing, but lets say you are, there is an imbalance already and it will not work out.
So if at this point, he is saying it is over and he doesnt want to be in touch with you for any reason, you can't make him change his stance.
You wanted answers to make you feel better, and I don't think mine qualifies as it implies lots of hard work ahead of studying. But it is important.
I keep up on relationship stuff always reading a new book or watching some professionals videos on you tube or elsewhere on the net. Even tho I have lots of life experience, I'd rather not see others have to go thru the school of hard knocks, meaning the hard way such as you have with this relationship blowing up. Learning about relationships or even sex, are things that we must learn how to self educate ourselves on by gathering information from others who specialize in counseling for relationships. If you decide you'd like to start learning more than you already know to see if you can improvement future relationships by how you act and also knowing how to pick individuals who are relationship-mature and also willing to learn and improve, let me know and I'll gather up what links I have to send you. I did mention relationship-mature because I feel a person can be a fairly mature person in lots of areas of their life but without the knowledge of do's and don'ts and go about the relationship in a hap-hazard way without any goals to find out what the problems or issues are and what to do to solve it. Couple counseling is something that may help if one finds it too hard to learn on their own but both have to be willing to fight for the relationship. It is more so the committed relationships or marriage or long term partners that are not going to be so quick to throw away their partner but fight for the relationship. And couples who were only dating and no real commitment to each other and not sure if this is who you want to raise kids with and be with til old age, these couples won't see the relationship as worth fighting for and fixing.
You were raised in a society of fast food, fast everything, and throw away rather than fix when things get old, worn or need some tweaking. So its not a shock that most of your generation would rather give up on a relationship than fix it. But you must have a wiling partner and know how to choose the right one for you too. this all is much more than any person can write in here to share with you. But let me know and i will look for some links that can get you started if you wish.
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