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Advice about my guy and how to let go,please
Hi Dragonfly,thank you in advance for your advice and wisdom as you have answered me before,God Bless.
Alot to say here,but will start with this,I have a somewhat sweetheart and for as long as I have know,has an obsession with a porn star,I feel.He's always visiting her Instagram,always leaving her comments,always trying to make her feel better,something he has never done for me,yet with this one,it seems frequent,he'll go back and like photos from 2 years ago,etc.likes her Facebook,its goes on and on,is he obsessed? or this normal? My complaint is that his ideas of this woman are unrealistic,and obviously he wont go to bed with her,but he doesnt care.He also watches porn quite heavily
He also leaves comments all the time for other girls,calling them sexy,beautiful,wow this,wow that,it goes on and on
Ive been dissapointed with him for quite some time,as I moved out of state to be with with him,Im very let down,because he still hasnt asked me to be girlfriend,I've seen him for a 5 times in the last 2 months,even though he's just 25 minutes away. He also when I got here though it was a good idea,to go on a date with some woman just a few days after moving here,as he recorded this on his Snapchat,and on top of that he admitted he did go on a date after I confronted him. We have of course talked and kept in touch.
To top this all off,he uses the dating APP Tinder,and what he does is look at profiles and looks them up on Instagram and follows them,I could go on about him.
I dont want to make it sound like I'm complaining,but is this is NOT OKAY with me.Not okay to accept this behavior from someone who is making life plans with you. I think maybe he does have a problem,I know that men will look at women,I get them,but he goes a little above and beyond.Its not my place to judge whether he watches porn or not,I myself,am against it,as it teaches nothing about love,and looses touch with what sex truly means,as I feel is the ultimate expression of love and affection for someone else,not because people do it on camera for money and never see each other again.Anyways,back to him,its quite obvious he wont change,and he'll only get worse.... So how do I stop all this from bothering me,and then let him go,I men honestly,does he really sound like man anyone would want to spend the rest of their lives with?
I worked so hard to move here,I got a job,getting another job and am trying so hard to make ends me,whil he jacks off to porn,plays video games,lives with his parents,and as of current has no car...it goes on.Im more mature and established,and I try to make value of m life. I feel we are just so opposite,and I cant tel you how much Ive cried or how his obsession of his whore has hurt me,how he is always looking around behind my back,Im hurting,and want to know what to do,it isnt fair,and if I say anything,its my fault,Im the one who has the problem and is jealous.It's not my fault he lusts after other women? Thats my problem? No it isnt!
What do I do? How do I handle this? Please,thank you!
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Hi Hon.
It warms my heart to know I've been able to help you before. Hopefully I can again.
I am sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. I might have something that will help you come free of thoughts and any other ties to him and heal and I'll share that at the end. I don't know enough details like whether you knew him in person before it became an LDR or how long but it is too easy for people with things to hide to do so when in an LDR. Unfortunately, it is one of those things that is hard to listen to others about to avoid what you're going through, you just have to experience and learn and grow from it. Here's something a person could learn from this.
Be extremely cautious when comtemplating a major life decision like where to live, what job you take and whom you get into relationship with. You did all 3 at once which is a big ball of wax which is dangerous enough in itself if it doesn't work out and you might be wondering about your ability to make good decisions. Even wise people can be fooled but not for long. thats why its important for a person to be able to prove themselves to you face to face as long as you need, before making the kind of decisions you did. Some things like researching a city online to see what the general pay is housing cost/rent average, climate averages, etc... is important and researching a company before taking a job there. But there are unforeseen things like what the coworkers or boss treats you like that can make, what size place you can afford to live in and the condition of the place that are hard to know ahead of time. If it doesnt work out, we can switch jobs and find another place to live. Thats a whole lot easier and you can easily forget about nasty co-workers or a dingy old place once you've moved on, because you have something better. The part about seeking 'someone' better is good too, but its hard to forget the person who didn't turn out. It's important to learn from each choice we make that didn't turn out good so that we can easily avoid falling into the same trap again in the future, not settling for less with the next guy.
And that is a big thing....I can't warn you on all the things to look for but you are a wise young woman so you have that on your side. However even the smart strong women can for a while be fooled by someone with an agenda /or who lives to enjoy life for what gratification they can get, without considering how to give back to the earth, to society or to a partner. What I learned is that it takes great energy to keep up a false facade for long so eventually a persons true self begins to show through the cracks. I am glad you saw it now. Usually the fastest you see the true self show is after the date or 5, 6 months. And that even is extreme. If one sees the another many times a week rather than once or twice a month (in person) then its much sooner you see their true self and can decide if thats for you or not.
The things you say dear of how you look at a sexual relationship, or at mens tendency to look at women show you are very intelligent. I dont have to share much, just that you're on the right track. Yes, men can look at other women, and though personal taste comes into it, it is to me the same as looking at a beautiful scenic vista, we all have our own sense of what is beautiful to us. And since men are visually oriented, they look. But I can tell you this, since finding my second husband, I know that when a man is 'in love' with you, that changes everything so much. They may look at other women, but it is not with a feeling of sexual desire for them because, the guy has you and you both fulfill each others needs quite well. The only difference between two people might be their libido's not matching. I made sure that this time, My having a high libido, that I found a man with one as well...this is all about how often one wants and desires and engages in sexual pleasure of some sort, with a partner or masturbation. My ex didn't require it often. This is a major issue for couples and one to discuss at the beginning of a dating relationship as I did the 2nd time around. Yes, I put it all out there and discussed with men interested in me at first face to face meetup what my boundaries were, what I was looking for and how I wouldn't settle for less. It is quite important to know if someone is thinking of dating
just for having a partner for social events, or to find a friend with benefits but no commitments, or whether one is obsessed with sex and gathering a harem for themselves, or looking for one woman to be his mate, his Goddess...meaning he had great respect for females and their abilities and seeks an equal partnership or defers to her wishes when there is a need to compromise, unlike many couples were the male takes the lead. I have run across a few examples of men who refer to all females as Goddesses, since finding my guy, so I know they are out there.
Okay, to stop this tie between you and him which is why you wrote, heres what a blogger has to say about it, its called A cord of attachment and is formed when you become interested in another person. You have some energetic investment or interest in the relationship, whether that’s positive or negative. The relationships in which cords of attachment form tend to have energy behind them. And this energy is what can connect the two. I believe its stronger when there is a sexual side to the relationship as women form these ties quickly then due to the emotions and feelings of sex. Heres a link to her blog that will explain what must be done. So...did I ever do this with my ex? Yes, and it was 5 months before I left him, during a meditation where an Angel appeared to me and told me I needed to decide now whether I would cut my tie to him and I saw scissors and a cord that went from my solar plexus/stomach area to the husbands. I was told, once I cut it, there was no going back because for me, I needed to move on in life and a cord like this can be reestablished if the energy is put into it. Last time with him in public, at daughters wedding, he sought me out during reception to stand by me and try to put his arm around me and appear to be the happy couple to others, but since the ties were cut, I felt nothing of love, romance or hope for him anymore, in fact it felt creepy, him touching me, just like if any stranger on the street put their arm around you uninvited. So heres the link to her blog:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Let me know how it works for you. SO if you like the city and you like the job, stay, just don't stay with him. He doesnt know how nor seem to want to commit. He's playing with women. They are his sex toys. and YOu don't want that kind of man. If you want to talk more about what steps to go through on finding the right kind of guys to choose from, I have more to share on just that.
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