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follow up to my question


Question Posted Monday April 18 2016, 9:46 am

I had asked him out and he said lets just be friends and that is what I accepted and now im getting this odd behavior from him, the hurt facial expressions, sometimes he ignores me etc....

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Dragonflymagic answered Monday April 18 2016, 1:39 pm:
Well, that may be an important piece of info you just shared.
I can use my imagination along with my life experience in relationships and come up with two possible scenerios as to what may be going on. In either case, you haven't said or done anything to cause his frustration and the way he is acting, its all because of hows he's mulling over the subject of romantic chemistry. Let me explain.
One scenerio could be that he answered correctly, saying he'd go out but just as friends because he doesnt feel any romantic chemistry towards you. On the other hand, you both have great friendship chemistry, but unfortunately both are needed for a healthy couple relationship. Not that he knows this, but this could be what is bugging him. It could be that he knows you both have the friendship chemistry and has thoughts of being with you long term/forever as a couple but at the same time realizes that something big would be missing and doesn't want to coax you into a relationship, making you settle for less, even if you feel romantic towards him cus it needs to be a two way street and so he is frustrated, wishing it were otherwise and thus I can see him saying you deserve better. At the same time he feels unhappy cus he feels fate has served him a bum deal that there is no way of getting around.

Second scenerio is that he answered truthfully again that he wanted to be just friends going out, not as a romantic couple because he didn't feel that way at the time. There are 2 important parts of a foundation of a healthy relationship, being the best of friends, and also the romantic attraction, there is a need for chemistry in both areas but too many relationships have only one or the other, where someone or both settled for less and now are unhappy. He may not know about this or that two friends can start out not having romantic chemistry. We tend to assume its only about an instant desire and attraction at first meet. That is so for some. For others, they can eventually get to full blown romantic hot desire in relationship over time with their care for each other growing slowly over time, like an ember growing into a blazing fire over time and becoming just as real as the ones who felt it in the beginning. That would be a good thing, right? Yeah, but as a male, it could be what he is now thinking that holds him back from saying anything. He may think this is not for real and will fade in time or he knows it the real thing now and is afraid of sharing with you because he's so afraid of coming across as wishy-washy , not knowing his own mind, so he says nothing and suffers in silence, feeling the die has been cast and there is no way to change anything. Also since you accepted his statement so easily, he may have thoughts that you do not have any feelings for him in that way and so he must say nothing.

Most all humans problems, self inflicted or by others all start with distorted thinking and not speaking up to clarify things. And his is one of those situations. Either put it in your own words and ask him to be honest and open and trust you to reveal what is really eating at him. You could say that you suspect it may involve the status of your relationship as far as being friends or more than friends. Whereas he was sure at one point that it was to be just as friends, life has twists and turns and if his feelings have changed, you want to know. Then tell him you'll start first by sharing that you were willing to accept him as just a friend as thats better than nothing, but what you'd prefer is the romantic relationship cus you do have those kinds of feelings towards him. (well, only if this is true for you)
Or you have my permission to share my answer with him as that for sure should get conversation started, the kind that will reveal whether I was close or not. Unless he's unhappy for another reason like a grandparent in the process of dying soon, or some other thing that makes him unhappy, it should be obvious that he is just unhappy in all parts of his daily life, not just when hanging around with you.

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