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Feeling guilty about taking the room my mom wanted
23/f
Long story short. My older sister moved out due to the stress of my parents fighting, being overly dependent on us (they don't speak English and are struggling financially). My mom's room is smaller (that's the room she chose because it had more lighting) when my sister moved back in years ago and gave up her room (master bedroom).
Since my sister moved out, I asked for her permission if I could have her room--my room's air conditioning and heater doesn't work so it will be getting hot soon. She said I can take it and that she won't be moving back. I gave her a month to change her mind. During the remaining two weeks, my mom came back from Taiwan. I asked for my dad's permission and he said I could. I called my mom, but she didn't pick up so my dad and I started moving things out of her (my sister's) room and my stuff in.
When my mom came home she asked what was going on and I said that I was going to live in my sister's bedroom now and that my dad and my boyfriend was helping me move things around. And my mom told me, "I was planning on moving in here and now you're moving stuff in. My room is too small and I need more space." And she stared at me when we already moved things. I asked her if she wanted me to move back into my room and she said, "well, you're already moving stuff. If your sister says it's okay, then it's okay." But she kept having a conversation saying that she wanted her old room back.
I got slightly frustrated because my mom is kind of a hoarder. I kept telling her that she should probably get rid of a lot of her things because she doesn't even use them and she doesn't even get into the closet (her stuff even blocks the closet). She uses her closet and her room as storage along with the rest of the rooms and I knew that if she had her room back, she would most likely use it as storage space and wouldn't be able to get into her closet.
I told her that I was planning on moving out by next year as soon as I get my teaching certification and find a job. And that she can have the room then since she wasn't giving me a direct answer. She looked a bit panic hearing that I was also going to move out, she said "okay, if you're moving into this room forget it then." Five minutes later, she comes back in saying, "Mary, if you're going to take the bigger room, then you should pay for more of the bills." Again, I got frustrated because I told her that I was still studying for my certifications and I was working part time. And she said that my boyfriend should also help pay because he sometimes stays over. I told her that I ask him to stay over, that he has his own apartment and his own bills to pay for. I said that if she wanted, I can stay at his place instead because he doesn't ask me to pay him whenever I sleepover and I think it'll just be awkward to have him pay just to sleepover at our house.
And my mom said, "then overall, I'm paying the most money out of everyone in the family." It's not true. My sister pays for the $300 cell phone bill. I pay for the internet, the gas, the water bill, etc. and I barely even have money left over for myself. My dad (retired) pays for the car insurance. My mom pays for the new car's insurance (she has a problem of consistently wanting brand new things--washing machines, cars, etc. even though we can't afford it). And my mom pays for the end of the year taxes and groceries.
I told her that she needs to go back to work (her boss has been consistently calling my sister because she wanted her to work for her, but my mom makes excuses about not working because it's 30 minutes away) because how is she going to survive if me and my sister both move out. And she said, "I am going to go back to work but I can't be the only one paying for everything." I told her that the best option was to sell the house like originally planned because she wanted to get a divorce, didn't have money saved up, and it was the quickest way to get money since she won't be able to afford it herself. Again, she came up with an excuse. It was excuse after excuse after excuse.
But I can't help but feel guilty about taking the room that she wanted. Or I feel guilty about unable to help her right now but slightly insulted that she wanted my boyfriend to pay money whenever he slept over as if we were a hotel. He doesn't really eat our food or anything, he just comes over to see me.
What should I do? Should I feel guilty? Should I have given her the room?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Unfortunately some parents have this tendency to constantly give this feeling to guilt to their kids, hoping to get certain things done in the present or in the future. And when I say parents, I am speaking in general, not your mom in particular. As adults, it’s their way of covering up their shortcomings or holding everyone else around responsible/blaming for something or anything that they were not able to achieve in their life. And you just cannot do anything about it because those traits are so deep rooted that you cannot point its origination. For instance, if you ask you mom about her behavior she may blame her parents for that and her parents would have blamed it on their parents and so on… It’s a viscous circle with no ending and no beginning.
Having said that, you just have to accept it and do whatever you can to support parents and help them in whatever way you can. There is nothing more you can do because you have your own life and future as well. I do not want to judge your mom, but perhaps you may recollect incidents from your recent past of teens or even childhood when she may have made you feel guilty.
Coming to the situation you described, it’s not like you want to move in this bigger room because you are selfish. You mentioned about the ac and heater not working, which is enough reason for you to make the move and your mom should be supporting you. So stop feeling guilty about it. The more guilty you feel the more guilty your mom would make you feel. Instead think that now you would be able to space out your things and be able to study/work more comfortably. You would be more positive with more energy to do get things done, which in turn means to feel good about yourself. Sure, all this is going to help you, but it’s also going to give you the needed space to think how can you be of more help to your parents and the whole family situation.
In fact I would suggest you to stop focusing on all this family drama and put your energy towards getting your certification, job which means more financial strength and independence. Despite this if you keep getting bugged, plan to move out of the house once you can support yourself. I don’t know about your bf but you can even share this with him and have him support you in the plan. I am not saying all this to shrug off your responsibility towards your family. On the contrary, this will only help and motivate you to do better and bigger things for them, if you will.
You seem to be a responsible and understanding daughter. Stop feeling guilty or anything negative. Sometimes you just have to shut off your mind to get better things done. Now you cannot explain all this to your mom. For now, just do what you got to do. Get support from your father and tell him why you are doing all this. As for your mom, you simply cannot do anything about it. You cannot expect her to change at this age.
It's like sometimes we have to go through and experience what we don't want in order to know more and more about what we truly want and your parents are just playing a part in this game, in a way helping you ;) :)
Hope this helps))
Good luck!
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